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Savvy August 2020

Taking the Save the Date back

Caitlin, on October 15, 2019 at 8:28 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6

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Ladies, I need your advice! First, backstory- I worked with a woman who was fired from my office about 6 months ago. Not only did we work together for 14 years but we were very close friends outside of work during that time. When I got engaged she was one of the people who was happiest for me. Unfortunately, our friendship suffered quite a bit after her separation from the office. We just couldn't see eye to eye on anything for a few months and now it looks like we cannot repair our friendship. Anyway, we sent our Save the Dates about a month ago and I didn't think twice about sending one to her and her husband. Granted, future hubby and I still have a few months before our invites go out, I'm agonizing over whether we should send them an invite. I know it's terrible manners to do the Save the Date and not an invitation but considering the circumstances, I wonder if I would rather it be her call on the response when they get an invitation. My fiancee has not been her biggest fan for much longer than these last 6 months and he would not be upset if she didn't come. Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you ladies!

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Latest activity by BHP Oct, on October 18, 2019 at 8:17 PM

Master October 2019
Laura · on October 15, 2019 at 8:37 PM
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In general it is bad taste to not invite them after, but in your case i'd say it would be the right thing to not invite her. If you are no longer friends you shouldn't feel obligated to have her share your day.
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Expert September 2020
Marcia · on October 15, 2019 at 8:58 PM
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I agree with Laura. Generally, those who receive a STD should also receive an invitation. In this case where you aren’t really friends anymore and given the history, I think you would be ok not sending one to her.
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Savvy November 2019
Jackie · on October 16, 2019 at 1:37 AM
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I agree that since you’re no longer friends, and your FH isn’t a fan either, it makes sense that you wouldn’t invite her, etiquette aside. Are you two on speaking terms at all, at this point? If not, then I think it’s fine to leave as is. If you are, but you still don’t want to invite her, I would suggest proactively reaching out and letting her know. That may be awkward, but I feel like if you don’t do that, you could potentially run into an even more awkward encounter/conversation if she reaches out and asks why she didn’t get one. For me personally, if i didn’t have that chat upfront, I would constantly stress once invites went out on whether she was going to ask me or not and just dwell on what I would say if she did. This way you can at least make the decision, handle it on your terms, and move on.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on October 16, 2019 at 11:06 AM
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It's in bad taste to not send one, but if the friendship is basically over & not improving before invites go out, I wouldn't send one.
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Lady · on October 16, 2019 at 2:23 PM
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I'd still invite her. Then you didn't do anything rude, and she can decline on her own (which is not rude either). If she accepts, then you don't really need to spend any time with her above and beyond the in person "thanks for coming" that you should give every guest.
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October 2019
BHP Oct · on October 18, 2019 at 8:17 PM
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I experienced the same after save the date send out remorse. And let me tell you...the drama did not and is STILL NOT going away. And I agree with MrsD. As much as it is bad taste, if the friendship is basically over or if it's not going to improve before the wedding, I wouldn't send it. You could leave it to chance and see if after invitations are sent, if she contacts you regarding the invitations to gauge if she is interested in attending? And from there send her an invitation, Mail can sometimes get 'lost in the mail the first time around.'
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Taking the Save the Date back

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