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Just Said Yes June 2022

Swapping invited plus one for random person

Rsac23, on May 7, 2022 at 9:10 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 4

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My fiancé and I have gone over our guest list count that fit our budget by almost 30 people. We only gave plus ones to those in long-term/serious relationships and/or couples who have kids together. These “rules” applied to our wedding party as well. We sent and invitation addressed to my cousin and her boyfriend of several years, who have a kid together and lived together. They just recently broke up within the past couple weeks. My cousins and I have a group chat and she casually started talking about how she is just going to bring someone in place of him and she doesn’t know if it’d be a friend or a guy she meets. We don’t really know any of her friends and obviously wouldn’t know the random person she brought. It made it super awkward because rather than ask me privately I feel like she asked I’m the group chat to make me feel uncomfortable saying no (that may just be me overthinking). I responded that I would prefer that she not do that because we only invited people in long-term/serious relationships and that we already had some people upset with us that they didn’t get plus ones, plus we didn’t even give some of our wedding party plus ones. Our family is really big and we are very, very close so it’s not like she wouldn’t know anyone or have fun. She never responded when I said that so I’m worried it’s going to go ignored. She also didn’t give a gift to my sister and her husband (who recently got married) and went on a rant about how it shouldn’t be about the gift and it should just be about the celebration… but weddings are incredibly expensive (as you all know) and I don’t want to be paying for some random person. Also, people in our family didn’t get plus ones, so they would know that she was allowed to bring a random person but they weren’t. I want to use our “FAQ” section of our website to address plus ones but I’m not sure how to word it politely. I want to essentially say that if the name isn’t on the invite they can’t come. Anyone else have this situation?

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Gillian, on May 8, 2022 at 10:51 PM

Super March 2022
JA · on May 7, 2022 at 11:35 AM
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Well I'm glad you told her she couldn't bring someone random. I would absolutely stick to that. It would be different if you had a big wedding and gave plus ones to more people, but clearly this event is intimate and curated to be people who mean a lot to you only.

As far as website goes, keep it strait forward and simple:Q: Can I bring a plus one and/or my children? (Or omit the children part if you are allowing kids)A: Unfortunately we can only accommodate those listed directly on your invitation and RSVP. If you have any questions, please reach out to Brides-name or Grooms-name!
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on May 7, 2022 at 12:30 PM
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Agree with JA. Letting them know that when you invited the SO, it wasn't a plus 1, and the extra seat is not transferable. You can only accommodate the guests that you invited.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on May 7, 2022 at 2:41 PM
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A significant other is not a plus one. A plus one is a random stranger to entertain an unattached single guest. A significant other is invited by name and it’s not the bride and groom’s place to judge the validity of the relationship based on the time frame they have been together or whether they engaged or not.

You call them up directly and be firm. If they decide to attend with random guests, then say that they will be missed and you will meet up later. Have security at the venue as well which many require anyway.
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Devoted July 2021
Gillian · on May 8, 2022 at 10:51 PM
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Stick to what you want. I’m sure the guest is going through a lot of things emotionally- if you don’t want a random plus one, don’t allow it. Guests should be respectful of wedding guest lists. JA outlined wording really well. I would follow that or something close to it.
If she shows up with a random plus one, you have a few options. You/maid of honor/wedding coordinator (or someone trusted with wedding detail responsibility) can kindly ask the extra person to leave and kindly say that it is a private event. On another path, you can let the extra person attend the ceremony, but ask them to leave for the reception as you do not have a seat for them. Lastly, you can just let them attend the event, but depending on counts, they may not have a meal. There are many ways to work this out.

Overall, stick with your gut though. You shouldn’t have to pay for extra people that aren’t specifically invited if you don’t want to.
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