Survival tips/hope for the over-30 single women please!

I got divorced in 1996 when my ex cheated and got someone pregnant. Within a few months I jumped into another relationship because I was lonely. I was 27 and should have been having fun! The new relationship was a mistake. We were better as friends and are still friends now after our breakup in 2000. I then entered into a nearly 13 year on and off "relationship" with a really great guy who didn't want to commit. He's currently nearly 50 and living in his mom's basement....When I asked where he saw our future he told me he didn't think about it, so I knew I had to move on for my own sanity.

In April 2017 Rob, my now husband called and said he was taking me to dinner and wasn't taking no for an answer. I'd dated him back in 1985 when I was 15 and he was 20. We only broke up because I was young an he left for the Navy. We went on to marry and divorce other's before finding each other again on facebook in 6 years ago. He'd been trying to get together but I didn't want a relationship or a date. I went ahead and said yes. On that date I knew I was in trouble LOL He moved in 2 months later, proposed 7 months later and we got married last month in the community center we first met at all those years ago at a dance. We got marred two weeks after I turned 50, and he's 54, so trust me there is hope

I’ve been through a lot of difficult times over the last 10 years, including with my husband. Everybody told me I had to enjoy being single. They would judge me for not wanting to be single. Sit on your couch and be happy! Go to a club by yourself! You’re an independent woman get over it! But I have no intention of being single and that’s my right. Everyone who said that to me was in a LTR/married. I didn’t have to marry or have a LTR with everyone I dated but sitting around at home wasn’t going to get me to my goal of having a husband. I started dating online, met some guys I didn’t like at first, met my fiancé, and 4 years later we’re married. If you want to be single and enjoy time by yourself go for it, and I sincerely hope you find happiness and what you’re looking for. But as for me personally, I’m obviously still irritated at people telling me what to with my life while they were already living their dream. Yes I can my first child after 35 nowadays but I don’t want that for myself. I stopped believing in soul mates and I think relationships are who you’re attracted to, compatible personalities and whether you can make it work together. You could be happy with different people, or someone you think is perfect actually isn’t. I read Getting to I Do by Dr Pat Allen and it has changed my life. I’m so happy with my husband but it was not an easy journey and it didn’t happen by itself. And if we got divorced which I hope never ever happens!, hypothetically, I could start fresh and find happiness again because I know what I want out of life. Sorry to bombard you but I’ve thought about this a lot over the years.

This is a wedding forum not not exactly sure this is the place to get the support you're looking for. Best of luck though.

View Quoted Comment Well I was hoping some of the ladies have been in my shoes and now that they are on the other side, they could offer some advice?

I dated people in high school and college, but was single when I graduated at 21, and didn't date again until I was 27 (I'm now 32 and engaged to that same guy).

Even though I wasn't actively avoiding relationships or seeking them out -- I was pretty indifferent about it tbh -- I truly enjoyed being alone. I was still living with my parents and liked spending time with my family and just doing my own thing. Our relationship adds to my happiness of course, but I don't feel like my personal worth depends on it. I don't like the love language of a partner 'completing' the other person - I like the idea of adding to each other's life and being part of a team.

I do think it's important to be single for an extended period of time, though what exactly that amount of time is will be different for everyone. I definitely don't think people need to be single for 6 years like I was, lol. I feel like if you don't have a solid sense of self, it's just hard to develop one while you're in a relationship. You don't want to be a supporting character in your own life.

My good friend is a couple years older than me and met her now-fiance last fall -- and they'll be getting married in June! Life can change very fast on its own; you don't need to put any pressure on yourself.

Remember that as much as social media makes life feel like a competition, and that 'success' is checking off certain life milestones by certain dates, that's really not the case. The day-to-day moments are the ones that matter, so all I can recommend is to focus on yourself and do things that bring you joy, and the rest will fall into place.

I got divorced with two children a few years ago. After being married for a long time getting back into the dating world was super scary. I got married at 33 this time with two kids I have sole custody of. I really do believe there is someone there for everyone!

I remember after my last break up, I was in such a bad state. Not mourning over my dumb ex but mourning over what I'd become. I had to relearn how to be alone and comfortable with just myself because I was so used to being with someone all the time for so long. And let me tell ya, it's very empowering to just be able to enjoy your own company. It is something I try to instill even now that I'm married - that I'm still my own independent person

I fully believe that you will never be truly happy with someone until you can be happy by yourself. I’ve been through bad break ups and a divorce in my early 30s. It’s not the end of the world and life is moving ahead for you, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. Find things that make you happy. Pick up a new hobby, a sport, or maybe a club of some sort. Do something that’s only for you. You’ll end up meeting people who have the same interests that you otherwise wouldn’t. Every day do one thing that boosts your confidence. You’ll get there.

I agree so much with what Eri and other PPs said above. I've been there, and I was lucky to have a really great solid group of friends who were in the same boat as me when I was in my mid/late 20s - so we all kinda had fun being unattached in a great city together. I was always really independent anyway and while I was crushed when my ex ended things, I know it was really for the best. It paved the way for such great things to come my way. This is your time to rediscover your 'self' and develop your own interests outside of a partner. It sounds like you have a pretty healthy way of looking at this, but try to remember that social media is only highlights, and comparison is the thief of happiness. *Hugs*

Probably not the right venue for this, but I am happy to share my thoughts.

Spending that time being "truly single" will help you get perspective you need. My ex and I had lived together 10 years before getting married and we were married for 7 years. We went through counseling the last 3 years and truly tried everything, including counseling and it did not work. I spent the next year truly being single. No dating, no thinking about dating. I worked on ME and what I needed. Here is what I did.

1. I really thought about what I wanted and what I needed. What did I want my life to look like? If you are looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage, then own it. There is no shame in that.

2. I created a man file - what he had to have and what were deal breakers

3. I started online dating and really opened what that guy could be like and kept an open mind here - age, race, kids no kids, etc. I was real in my profile. Recent pictures, honest in who I was and what I was looking for. if there were deal breakers that showed up in the guys profile or text conversations, they were cut. No, oh he could be this or he has the potential. No, cut and run. Example: I chatted with a guy who seemed nice and a bit older 40s. He never had a pet. Ever. I grew up with all manner of animals and have always had pets. Always. This was not going to work. Cut and run.

4. Date several men at once, no sleeping around, and let them know that's the deal. Getting to know them with conversations, texts, coffee and dinner dates. Fun activities - picnics, dancing, museums. Again, any deal breakers that showed up from my list and they were gone. The key is to date several as you might forgive a deal breaker if you are focused on just one guy.

5. Take notes after your dates to remember. I kept a spreadsheet (yeah I'm a geeky analytical type).

6. Let it develop and be deliberate. He will show up and It will happen. I followed this and coached/counseled 2 of my single friends. They, like me, are engaged to wonderful guys and are very happy. I am engaged to my soulmate now. It took me time to find him but I am so happy I did.

Take care of you and find that person you would like to build a life with. He is out there. Don't follow much of the social media.....that is always only part of the story and it is often painted more pretty than the reality really is.

I am rooting for you!