Surprise Wedding- short guest list

Virtual ceremonies are great for people who can’t make it because of health or financial reasons, but I wouldn’t do one for the benefit of uninvited guests.

I had someone who chose to do try to do a surprise wedding during my annual Winter Solstice party.

They planned to live-stream it for their guests in other countries.

We ended up parting ways but I thought that it seemed nice.

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I agree with this. Nice to share for those invited who can't make it, but kind of a slap in the face to friends/family not invited.

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Thanks! Is there a specific reason why you wouldn't?

Our problem is, we've been together since high school (we are now in our mid 30s) so everyone we know (other than the exception of people we've just met in the last few years) are going to feel that they are "entitled" to attend our wedding. It's like "the thing" everyone has been waiting for. That one annoying question that we've been getting asked for the past 20 years.

If you want a small, intimate wedding, I would have just that. Broadcasting it on social media seems much less intimate to me and kind of a slap in the face for those who didn't make the cut.

Maybe you could just share your wedding photos and/or video on social media after the wedding. I would keep your small private wedding off social media for that day for the reasons mentioned above.

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Why do you feel it's a slap in the face? Just looking for perspective so I can figure out what things I should consider.

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To me it's like "here is my wedding live streamed so you can see but I didn't invite you to see in person" I guess? Like distant acquaintances won't care obviously but someone who thought you were closer maybe?

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Thanks for responding. I probably didn't explain that right. So you can invite people into your live. So it's not a for all my fb friends kind of thing. But nonetheless, I understand.

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I understand, yeah that's something to consider. I guess I'm looking at it from a different viewpoint. So the only reason I'm on Facebook in the first place is for my family. Apparently this is how they share information and I finally got annoyed not knowing things and someone saying "you didn't see it on facebook?" So I guess since this seems to be their favorite way to communicate, it sounded like an effective plan lol They literally post EVERYTHING on there! Smh, but yeah, I'm gonna think longer about this.

Thanks so much for your input.

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Yeah I'm wondering if this is one of those things that will be based on personality or principle. lol I wouldn't feel a way and would get caught up in the moment (as if I was there) but I am aware that most people I know do not have a personality like mine.

Thank you for your input.

I have to agree with posters suggesting you skip the live stream. If you want an intimate ceremony, then do that. Most people are reasonable and understand that bigger is not always better. I'm sure those friends that want to see you married will be just as happy to celebrate with you another time.

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If there's the expectation of an invitation that's all the more reason not to "virtually invite" someone. It just draws attention to the fact that they didn't make the cut. It's great that people want to participate, but I feel like if someone told me I wasn't invited but could livestream them, I'd think it was a bit callous. As a non-guest, I'd much rather just look at pictures or watch their wedding video after the fact, or just grab a drink and celebrate with them when the wedding whirlwind is over. I'd just feel a little weird letting people participate in such a limited capacity. Now, if the guest is unable to participate further, then I think livestreaming can be a great accommodation.

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Gotcha! I just know how "facebooky" my family is so it sounded like a good option but all of the responses are saying the opposite so I'm probably gonna ditch it.

Thanks for your input.

I’d be careful how you handle this. A cousin recent did this and got horrible reviews from the guests who did attend as well as those who didn’t. She invited everyone to her “bridal shower”. So my mom declined the invitation saying she’ll take the time off for the wedding rather than the shower. Well, it wasn’t a shower, it was a wedding. And all of their guests felt like they arrived unprepared, for lack of a better word. They felt tricked. They felt like the gift they brought wasn’t enough. And they felt held hostage because the ceremony/reception lasted way longer than they anticipated a shower to be. Don’t get me wrong, everyone was happy for the newlyweds, but also very upset about the way it all unfolded because it made everyone who went feel uncomfortable and those who didn’t go because they wanted to save their days off for the wedding felt sad and betrayed.

As far as the Facebook thing, I would have someone record the ceremony and then post it the following day with a caption of “a thing happened” or something to that accord. I also love the idea of a surprise wedding! Clearly being that it’s a surprise, people won’t come with gifts and whatnot, but I believe that’s the point of it being a surprise. That sounds like so much fun to me. The only part I’m not sure about is telling the bridal party the night before. But you know your friends, will they be on board with this or will they feel slighted because they won’t get dresses that they’ll “totally wear again!” I personally would at least want to go buy a new dress, but I love dresses (sans the bridesmaid variety), so maybe give them half the week if you think they can keep the secret. I wish you luck and hope you have fun with your secret wedding plan!

View Quoted Comment Yes, I remember that thread. How did it end up turning out?

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Oh wow, that's a good idea! Thanks for that! I will definitely consider doing the facebook thing that way.

Sooooooo there are 5 other women in my "clique" of best friends. Hubby has 1 brother and 1 best friend, that is the end of his groomsmen lol so what I decided on as far as bridal party is his brother, best friend, and our oldest son, then my 3 sisters. I'm just going to ask my friends to walk down the aisle after the grandparents/parents but before the actually bridal party. Telling the besties before the event is an absolute NO, they're the main ones I don't want to be stressed by! I tell them a week before and they would be out here planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party in 3 days, even if it's just us! LOL

So here's the "gig," hubby is going to tell everyone that he wants to do a big proposal turned engagement party (after I say yes). So for the people we need to dress up, he's going to tell them he has a role for them to play in this proposal so therefore he wants them to dress in blah blah. But as far as my friends go, they were coming dressed to the nines anyway with just the info given. Haha. We're going to have to be more specific with my sisters but that shouldn't be too much of a problem either. I will find and buy their dresses if I have to.

We've been together almost 20 years. We had a housewarming 3 years ago. We've received more than enough gifts from family and friends over the years so that's not even something we're thinking of. We're also not worried about "no-shows," The most important people will not be trying to miss this. The parents, siblings and besties will be too eager to help so I'm def not worried about them not being there. The other family and friends who we're inviting show up to everything else so I doubt they'd miss this "proposal" but if they do, we're all just going to have to live with that. They can watch the video lol

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Thanks for your response. Dang that kind of sucks but I doubt ours will play out like that.

Ours is going to be a fake proposal turned engagement party (because of course everyone is expecting me to say yes lol). I'm keeping our list short to only the people who literally show up and support all events we have.

Plus, this is actually a big deal. It's more of a big deal to my loved ones than it is to me. We've been together almost 20 years, kids and a house, so of course everyone's number 1 question "when are y'all finally getting married?"

I'm pretty confident that 98% of our list is going to show for this "proposal." But yeah, I'm also aware that there will be a lot of hurt feelings for those who weren't invited. I thought the fb thing would be a good alternative but everyone is saying NO so I'm over that now! lol

View Quoted Comment We parted ways as friends. They wanted us to change our whole event for them. They wanted us to invite their friends and family who we didn’t know. They wanted us to “tone down” the pagan decor/rituals because they didn’t want their family to judge us. Oh and they wanted us to still pay for it all.

Not changing our whole celebration to throw a wedding for them. 🙄