Surprise Wedding Etiquette

The bridal shower and bachelorette parties are thrown in your honor by other people and include people invited to the wedding. If they don’t know they’re invited to the wedding, then they are operating under the assumption that they are not invited and it will come across as gift grabby to be invited to a shower, for instance.


You can reduce the amount of opinions by just planning a wedding with you and your partner and telling people you aren’t sharing specific details or certain things are not up for discussion. If anything, I’d imagine the stress level for planning a secret wedding would be even higher because you need to keep a pretty big secret from your friends and family for quite awhile. Another potential issue with a surprise wedding is that some people may not make the effort to come to a “send off” but would make the effort to come to a wedding. So you may find yourself upset some folks didn’t make it, or folks could be upset they were lied to. For instance, if you have any out of town guests, they may not think it makes sense to spend the money to travel for a send off, but they would absolutely spend the money to attend your wedding.

View Quoted Comment The surprise wedding is set in stone, so that’s happening whether ppl can attend or not. No one knows planning is happening so it’s been fairly calm besides normal questions. No “wedding hysteria”. The pre-wedding events are up in the air as some of my friends are interested in throwing it for me. Just wasn’t sure how to go about it.


Thank you for your feedback.

It's all going to look like you are fishing for gifts, unfortunately, including the "send off." An elopement is not generally announced and a party for people not supposedly invited to the wedding is going to seem like a gift grab.

View Quoted Comment We aren’t registered anywhere so I’m not expecting or asking for any gifts. Just looking to celebrate with no “fuss”.


Thanks for your feedback.

I think the surprise wedding sounds fun!! Unfortunately, since you aren’t informing people that they will be guests at your wedding, it would not be appropriate to have a shower.

I would think a bachelorette party would probably be fine.

If the etiquette of a shower seems dicey, maybe your friends who are interested could throw a non-gift daytime party to celebrate your wedding?

I think your surprise wedding plan sounds great!

View Quoted Comment This is a great idea! Thank you.

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Yes, but that's something that would have to come from them, not you, and it would be limited to the people whose idea it was, not open to a big group.

A bachelorette can be expensive, especially the way some people seem to view them these days. It would not be appropriate to expect that people spend lots of money to celebrate an upcoming wedding they don't believe they are invited to. Unfortunately, you really can't have it both ways.

That said, if I was invited to a surprise wedding, I would send a nice gift afterwards.

I think that if you want a surprise wedding, you have the trade-off of skipping pre-wedding events.

You risk offending your loved ones by inviting them to a small party but not the big one (wedding). Also, they may be so offended that they decline further invites to any marriage- related gatherings and there is no one to surprise afterall.

Also, the whole purpose of a shower is gifts. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t registered. That only suggests you aren’t thinking of presents. People know that it’s appropriate to bring a gift to a shower and will pick something out the old fashioned way, on their own.

Technically, you can have a bridal shower if someone throws it for you but it is never appropriate to host that party yourself or ask for it. A bachelorette there is a bit more flexibility with if you are willing to take on more costs personally and are transparent with your friends, but it isn't in the best taste. As fun as a surprise wedding sounds, you're risking a lot of declines as people are not usually keen on attending a party for a wedding they weren't invited to (which is what your guests will be lead to believe until the day of). I'm not sure how this will take away much stress of planning but overall this decision will take away the opportunity to have standard, formal bridal shower and bach party.

View Quoted Comment

The point of a wedding shower is that it is a gift-giving event.