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Jenhandlady
Savvy September 2023

Stressed...

Jenhandlady, on May 23, 2023 at 3:27 PM Posted in Planning 0 6
Where do I go and where do I start? I'm so stressed and tired.


Engaged 1 month and 1 day after our 1st date. Wedding about 1 year from engagement. He lived 3 hours away... so I moved and got a new job, in a new field. It can be boring partly cuz training is non-existent and I've not done a lot of this work before and sometimes I feel lost. The good part is I have a good boss (lack of training isn't fully her fault as this is a joint venture thing with a state and federal grant) and it is a lot less stressful than previous career in most aspects.
We have been moving my items slowly from my old home to the new one we purchased together, which no one lived in for 2+ years. He lived with his parents after his late wife passed (almost 10 years ago) because of all the hours he worked and he still had a teenager to raise. His parents are the sweetest people too, but I find the amount of dirt they and he is used to living in is beyond what I can handle and he already works so hard it is hard to push him to help me more but I feel pressure from every corner.
My brother will be renting my old home starting June 1 so that should help us I think.
New home has a "Mother-in-law Suite" that we were going to AirBnB but now my mom is going to downsize and move into that. I have my alterations to do on my dress and I'm afraid I'm going to miss something on the wedding plans. I've never helped plan a wedding, my bridesmaids are all out of state so it is limited help and none of them have done anything with a wedding either. My mom also lives out of state and at times drives me nuts because she wants to do things as if it was her wedding. No, it is my first one despite me being 46. She had hers! I also wish to include FH as it is also his...
I just need to vent and any ideas from anyone to lighten my general stress and or make sure I don't goof up a big part of my wedding would be appreciated. I've also had more than my share of health problems since before even starting to date FH, had a hysterectomy and removal of fibroids, endometriosis in August, another bout of kidney stones and related surgeries in December/January. New job, new house, becoming a landlord, and a wedding in all under a year. 馃槻 馃槺 馃槻 馃槺
I want to explode.

6 Comments

Latest activity by Jenhandlady, on May 25, 2023 at 9:52 AM
  • C
    CM
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    It's no surprise that you're stressed out with everything going on and so much change in your life in a short time. You're not going to like my advice very much but if your wedding is this fall that means you have literally only known your FI, moved in and bought a house with him for and within 5-8 months max. IMO wedding plans should be least of your concerns right now. I would postpone the wedding. What's your rush?

    Lots and lots of people are as busy or busier than he is with work. The fact that he's not willing to help at all and lives in dirt is a red flag. If he's already happy to live and treat you this way in what is typically considered the very early honeymoon phase of a relationship, then what else are you going to discover a year or two from now that you don't know or are not paying enough attention to know right now?

    Slow down.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2023
    Cece
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    Unfortunately, I have to agree with the previous poster. I would postpone the wedding for a year. Give yourself time to acclimate to all these huge changes, and get everything under control. Plus, I think everybody should live with her spouse for at least a year before getting married. You need to see what a day-to-day life with this person is going to be like after the newness of the honeymoon phase wears off. Wedding planning should be fun and exciting! Not just a ball of stress. You鈥檇 really be doing yourself a disservice moving on with plans the way they are.
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  • Jenhandlady
    Savvy September 2023
    Jenhandlady
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    I do not believe either of you understood the realities. That's fine, but I will clarify.

    1. Yesterday was an extremely bad day and I was seeking support, not condemnation that I have chosen the wrong man because I haven't known him long via a "calendar". Sometimes you know and I trust him and know he had a successful marriage with his late wife. "I just need to vent and any ideas from anyone to lighten my general stress and or make sure I don't goof up a big part of my wedding would be appreciated." I'm utilizing the checklist the best I can and making more detailed lists for corsages, boutonnieres to make etc.

    2. Never did I say he won't do housework - he does help when he can.

    3. There are no red flags. I've been through one of those before, but I do need to improve my communication to FH. He is aware of that and that he cannot load me up with too many things at once or I get overwhelmed (like yesterday) and my anxiety gets triggered. He didn't trigger yesterday, that was my own doing.

    4. He does work A LOT. He works a minimum of 50 hours a week, some weeks I've seen 80 and one was 88 hours.

    5. We've already put down deposits on the venue, officiant and so much more. Attendants and others are/have purchased their clothing, plane tickets, requested time off work and more - we are not postponing.

    6. It has always been my impression that getting married is 1 of the top 4 stressors in life. (Marriage, death, new job, new home)

    7. I do understand you felt you were helping me.

    If anyone has tips and tricks on how not to goof up the bigger details I am open to those. Thank you.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2023
    Cece
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    My suggestion of postponing WAS my "idea to lighten your general stress". As you said, planning a wedding can be a stressful event. And it sounds like you already have a multitude of stressful events occurring in your life right now; so it would make sense to remove one of those stressors and delay it a bit to a future time when you've smoothed out all these other things going on. I definitely did not insinuate you were choosing the wrong partner or that there are any red flags with your relationship - just that this may be unfortunate timing for a wedding. And that it may be beneficial to your mental health (and make planning a much more enjoyable experience!) if you could delay it a bit.

    Other than that, I'm not sure there is much you can do to alleviate stress with everything going on, since it sounds as though there is really no free time. If you could carve out some "you" time in there, maybe you could go to the gym (exercise is a great stress reliever!), or start yoga (if you can't get to a class, there are a lot of online tutorials you could try at home). Speaking to a counselor/therapist could also be quite beneficial to you - it's cathartic to vent and they can provide tools for coping, relaxing, etc. Getting massages or dedicating an hour at night to reading or taking a walk could also help you relax. Have you thought of hiring a wedding planner?? They could handle your wedding details for you, so you have one less thing on your plate.

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  • LM
    Dedicated December 2022
    LM
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    That's definitely a lot of changes. Wedding planning can feel isolating and overwhelming because most people have never planned an intimate event of that size before. I don't think there's a wrong way to wedding as long as the basics are covered: enough chairs and food for everyone. The WW and Knot checklists are helpful with calendar reminders. If you can, outsource expertise. Hire a housecleaner, movers for one (trip) and done, real estate lawyer/manager to draw up rental contracts, and a partial-wedding planner to get you to your wedding day. Just because you have time, doesn't mean you have to do it all. Prioritize yourself and your relationship by blocking off 2-hr bi-weekly wedding meetings with your partner. Then when times up, move on with other life matters. Most importantly, know that no one changes. This includes you as well as him. Work excuses will remain acceptable for as long as you both allow it.

    I have a good friend who married in her 40s, works 60+ hrs average (same as husband). Her unexpected pregnancy pushed up her wedding day, her miscarriage made the wedding day as something to get done and an end date to her suffering. She went back to work on Monday. Merely a 70k day, she says. She leaves one- foot out of her marriage and feels she conceded too much.

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  • Jenhandlady
    Savvy September 2023
    Jenhandlady
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    Thank you. I like the idea of 2 hr time blocks!! This could also be used for our finances. We did block 90 minutes the other night to go through the basement boxes to ensure nothing was needed in them for the wedding. I will prioritize 1 hr most evenings to continue to sort through the boxes and get those to the right rooms. I still haven't found my veil, boob tape, or the fabric for my alterations and my garter. They are somewhere, but worst case I found veils on poshmark that are identical and can get more fabric when I see my mom in June.


    We are planning to enjoy our Sunday. We will drive together the 3 hours to my old home to do a final clean and walk through...probably 1-2 hours then an afternoon of fun for us in the city before going back home. We enjoy miniature golf, and we are lucky enough there is a course in our town...they even have an unlimited season pass... We are going to do a best in 5 tournament there, lol.
    We can talk some during the drive Sunday I am sure. He isn't much of a scheduler or planner like I am. I am list maker to keep my stress manageable. He got our invitations printed, I got the programs going with stamps and printed address labels but we need to start our ceremony song choices so that we can do on the drive as we have some ideas already. I have also designed our advice and well wishes cards, just waiting on paper to be delivered and then get those printed. I am working with him on getting mailing addresses for his family and then all the invites can be done...
    Monday is going to be me working on finalizing my petticoat with ribbon or sewing a dress for fun. So I need something to re-energize me. I am also going to find a local massage place and get a doctor and chiropractorappointment done. I knew all of those before I moved but I need to prioritize my well-being first.
    After my well-being, I think I need to break things down in a time-line that works for me. Our wedding is so much more simple than the WW checklist. It's my definition of value-conscious, elegant and simple. Oddly enough, WW thinks simple is beyond my elegant lol. I refuse to spend that much money when we are in rural Iowa and don't make a lot of money. I have a beautiful gown that I love, he has to finalize what the men are wearing...I told him anything but jeans. Colors are purple/plum and peach. I did finally figure out a way to make all of the lists work without having to use both WW and Knot. It seems easiest to use both app and my laptop but at least I don't need 2 sites...
    Thanks again for the help everyone and for reading this long post.
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