A
Just Said Yes October 2022

Strained Relationships

Al, on October 23, 2021 at 11:59 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7
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Long story short, my FH has a very strained relationship with his half brother. My FMIL is super upset that we are not inviting half brother and his family to the wedding. I'm stuck in the middle of it all and don't want to be. I don't want to pretend like everything is just okay when its not and I want to be supportive of my FH's decision to not invite. My FH won't talk about it much but basically his brother ruined every special event in FH's life and doesn't want him to ruin our wedding.


My FMIL pleaded with me that his brother has changed and that my FH is going to regret not having him there and the fact that brother won't be there will draw more attention to it and away from us. She basically wants him to suck up years of childhood trauma cause by his brother. Everything is always about the brother, brother this - brother that.. brother brother brother, can't do anything wrong kinda thing. My FH's grandparents threatened not to come if we don't invite him.... at this point we are just so tired of it and if people don't respect our decisions they don't have to come. I just don't know how to communicate it with my FMIL to get it through to her that we made our decision, my FH has talked to her multiple times about everything his brother has done and she just shrugged it off and that she raised my FH to be the bigger person - but why can't the brother be held accountable for his actions?


Its hard because brother is married and has two kids, and it feels like we are punishing his wife and kids when they've done nothing wrong.... I know my FH will be absolutely livid if his brother was there, he told me as much he would kick him out of the venue if he showed up.... I'm just lost.

7 Comments

Latest activity by bevbabe, on November 1, 2021 at 7:33 PM
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    There's honestly nothing left to do. Next time someone brings it up, just state "our decision is final and this is not up for discussion." And be firm. Do not discuss it further. If they keep prodding, tell them that the conversation will end if they do not move to another topic.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Oh that’s rough but unfortunately very common. She should never be coming to you with this because it is not your decision to make. Fiancé needs to set and maintain boundaries with consequences with your support as a team. He needs to make it clear to his mom that he has chosen not to invite him and that it will not be discussed again. Change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone when she starts in.


    Out of curiosity, who is paying for the wedding? When parents contribute, they have a tendency to use that as emotional leverage to plan the wedding how they want because it was common for someone else to plan the wedding and the couple had no say in plans.
    If his mom and other relatives want to get together with brother, they can do that anytime on their own on another occasion that is not related to the wedding. If they refuse to respect fiancé’s choice of whomever he wishes to invite and not invite, then they are free to decline the invitation, but they don’t get the right to harass and guilt trip him. Which is where boundaries come in to play. If those boundaries are overstepped, you may need to go no contact due to toxicity.
    Good luck
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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Al ·
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    Thanks Michelle.

    We are paying for the wedding so she doesn't get a say who gets invited. I'm just tired of the guilt trip and her trying to manipulate me into swaying my FH's mind. My FH said he's thinking of writing her a letter so maybe it will finally get through her head, he's already talked to her about things but she just shrugs it off. I'm supposed to go over there Friday and visit but I won't bring it up or anything. I already told her we haven't discussed it recently but last time we talked the decision was still the same and not likely to change.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Al ·
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    Thanks Hannah

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    I don't know the context of why your fh is not inviting his brother however if your fh feels this strongly about not inviting him If your mil persists just tell them I am sorry we have made up our minds and if this makes fh side of the family mad then I guess they don't have to be there.

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    I agree with others regarding only providing a "that decision has been made and is final" response. In addition, this was your fiancé's decision and HE made it, so I think you both need to make it clear to his mom that you will not discuss his decision with her again. There's no reason for you to feel "in the middle" -- you are not. This was his decision, he's made it, and you support him 100% (but, it's also not your decision to make or change). Next time your MIL tries to talk with her about it, tell her ONCE that your fiancé has made HIS decision, so there is no reason to bring it up to you again. If she continues, remove yourself, whether that means ending a phone call or walking out of her house in the middle of a visit. The longer you tolerate her bringing this up, the more she will do it -- you need to make it clear the topic is off limits and if she can't respect that boundary, you will limit your interactions with her. Good luck -- it sounds like his family has some serious issues.

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  • bevbabe
    Dedicated June 2023
    bevbabe ·
    • Flag

    I would tell FMIL that it's your fiance's decision and you will support whatever he decides. He knows his brother more than you do. Say you don't want to get in the middle of their relationship. She needs to speak to him if she wants him there.

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