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Just Said Yes July 2022

Stepping down as moh due to multiple planning issues

Beeharvdv, on July 4, 2021 at 1:28 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18

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My lifelong best friend made her maid of honor about a year ago. We have been each others support with everything for more than half the time we have been on this earth. The guy seemed perfect for her at first, but three months in the had problems left and right. Things moved quickly, he proposed after 5 months of on/off dating when she wasn’t ready and still said yes. She asked me to be her maid of honor and we began planning when she came back from deployment. In classic narcissist fashion(speaking as a survivor of a relationship with a narcissist), he reeled in everybody while she was away and when she came back—things took a turn for the worse. He also has wonderful manipulation tactics to make everyone else on the bride’s side look bad.

Due to certain reasons, she moved in with him immediately after she came back and he has been jobless for longer than the pandemic has lasted. She has an amazing job, she pays for everything, supports his gaming hobbies, and takes care of the house. This woman deserves everything good for her in her life and it pains me when I hear her crying about he has been unfair and neglectful in the relationship. These phone calls have been happening very often. He has been financially abusive and not a single cent she earns stays in her name. He will not take her out for dinners EVER, instead opts for time with the bros instead. (GM to BM ratio is 2.5:1) He told her flat out there will be no honeymoon and no special night. She has already come to the realization that he does not love her as a person. Yet, she has put herself in debt and emotional stress. He does not treat her like his future wife, and does not honor her as a woman.
He has shot down any pre-wedding events in the making. Anything I plan has no support from the maids, and anything she plans is cancelled immediately by him. He even told her to cancel her hair and makeup trial.
Her wedding is 4 weeks away and I have not been able to do anything for her. Lack of cooperation, my dislike for the groom, his and his family’s dislike for me, and now she has ghosted me for a few days ever since the last time she cried on the phone to me—has pushed me to consider resigning. I have been effectively pushed out of this wedding by everyone and I have no support from anyone in the bridal court.
I have tried to advocate for her as she asked me to last year and I cannot seem to make things work in her favor with so many opposing forces. I truly believe that if I am having this much of a hard time making things work for her I need to step down. I do not support her relationship and as badly as I want to be there for her on her big day, I cannot be the one to support a marriage in which the groom will not respect and love her. Am I making a mistake? Or is this the right choice.

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on July 5, 2021 at 9:52 PM

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on July 4, 2021 at 2:41 AM
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It sounds like your friend made a huge mistake saying yes to this man and that she shouldn't be marrying him. But for whatever reason she is still choosing to go through with this wedding. It also sounds like you've been super supportive of her despite your feelings about the groom. But based on what you have said, it seems the groom is trying and succeeding at controlling her so I completely understand why you don't want to be in the wedding. I would probably try one last time to talk some sense into her, but she still does wants to proceed with marrying him then I would be honest her that you love and support her, but you can't be her maid of honor because you don't think she is in a healthy relationship. I would expect her to be upset, but you shouldn't be in a wedding when you don't support their union which I wouldn't either based on how you have described it.
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Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on July 4, 2021 at 2:41 AM
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If she is truly one of your best friends you need to talk to her face to face, help her get away from him and into therapy. Staying with him as you know, will be one of the worst decisions she’s ever made.
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Master June 2017
Mrs. Coakley · on July 4, 2021 at 5:31 AM
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Agree with the previous poster. You need to say your piece. What's the worst that could happen, she doesn't listen and you guys have (basically) the same relationship you do now? What have you got to lose? You say she's your true friend, and you guys have been there for each other. Do what you have to do to get in touch with her (In person) and tell her to get the hell away from him as she's being abused in multiple areas (emotional, financial.. probably other ways as well) and help & support her if she chooses to leave him. Good luck OP.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on July 4, 2021 at 7:12 AM
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Sometimes it takes a grand gesture for people to realize how truly bad it is, so maybe by you telling her you need to step down and giving her the list of reasons why might knock some sense into her. It sounds like she's making a HUGE mistake by getting married to him...and while weddings can be expensive, some divorces can be worse. Better to get out of it now than worry about a wedding AND a divorce later.
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Super October 2021
Clarissa · on July 4, 2021 at 8:25 AM
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That’s an abusive relationship and she needs some help. I was with someone like this as well. He made me feel like everything that went wrong was my fault isolated me from friends and family. I was only really allowed to communicate with people he approved of. He’s using his manipulation tactics on her as well. Maybe see if you can get her away from the house to talk to her. She doesn’t have to be obligated to get married because she spent the money and is now in debt. See if she’s willing to see a therapist because the mental anguish is going to take a long time to heal from.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on July 4, 2021 at 8:53 AM
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I wouldn't want to be apart of the wedding either.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 4, 2021 at 11:29 AM
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I agree with stepping down and I also agree with PP that you should try to get her to 1:1 and have a serious conversation. I’d offer her a place to stay, if you can, and to help her with getting out as quickly and safely as possible. If she marries this guy, he will officially have access to continue financially and emotionally abusing her. I agreee with others the worst she can do is cut you off - hopefully it won’t come to that but she needs someone to show her how drastic a situation this is.
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Just Said Yes July 2022
Beeharvdv · on July 4, 2021 at 12:03 PM
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She is aware of everything going on and I have expressed my concerns to her multiple times but it seems as if she doesn’t want to hear it from someone else. The conversation is diverted elsewhere. She is already under so much stress. I don’t want to put her under more stress by leaving the wedding altogether, but unfortunately it has come down to that. Like everyone else has also mentioned(which I love y’all for these responses!!) I have offered her a place to stay multiple times. She stayed with me once for three days since my apartment is closer to her job(we live 45 miles apart) and she opened up to me on one night about the reality of her relationship. Immediately the next night she praised him for being amazing but the phone calls that followed for weeks after that told me otherwise.
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Just Said Yes July 2022
Beeharvdv · on July 4, 2021 at 12:06 PM
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Yes I am so afraid she will cut me off. We have been friends for almost half of our lives together through so many milestones together. I don’t want to lose her, I love her so much as my own sister. I am afraid if I haven’t lost her already, I will definitely lose her. I just need her to tell me straight up if I’m still the MOH or not. I’m not so much worried about my role as MOH, just her mental health. She hasn’t spoken to me in days and leaves my texts on read instantly when I send them. Their desires are loud and clear.
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Just Said Yes July 2022
Beeharvdv · on July 4, 2021 at 12:09 PM
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Yes I’ve told her I don’t support this marriage but I will stand by her side if it’s what she wants. I told her I would be her getaway driver even if she had doubts. We bought little bridal flasks together to bring to the wedding to take shots out of before she walks down the aisle—that’s how we are as best friends. She hasn’t actively heard me out but I know she’s aware of my dislike for him because I’m the one who gets the distressed phone calls. I really wish there was more I could do but it’s a situation I can’t control at this point since I have been pushed out.
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Super October 2021
Clarissa · on July 4, 2021 at 12:29 PM
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Unfortunately it may take for something drastic like you stepping down for her to see it. Maybe she sees it as you don’t really believe the things you’re saying because you’re still willing to support it even though it’s wrong. Just let her know that even though you don’t support this marriage that you’ll be there for her whenever she needs you but you can’t stand by and watch her make the mistake of marrying someone who is taking advantage of her.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on July 4, 2021 at 4:13 PM
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I agree I think you need to step down. You have expressed your concerns till you are blue in the face and got nowhere. I think it's going to take drastic measures to make her eventually leave this bad relationship. Now don't be worried if when you step down she is mad and cuts you out of her life. If she does cut you off remind her that you will always be there if she ever needs you. She is being so manipulated by this man that she won't realize right away how he has controlled her thought process. Her way of thinking right now is his way. It will take time but she will get there and eventually leave him and come looking for you to help her.
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Just Said Yes July 2022
Beeharvdv · on July 4, 2021 at 8:58 PM
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I am ready for the consequences and the animosity that will result from resigning. I have mentally prepared myself and accepted every possible outcome from the immediate future to the distant future. She knows I will always be here for her to provide a home and love.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on July 4, 2021 at 9:06 PM
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Your friend is in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship which she is not ready to leave. She’s aware of all the faults in her future husband, and the problems their relationship is riddled with, but she clearly is not yet in a position where she feels like she is able to leave.

If you step down from being MOH, you will undoubtedly be ending the friendship. I disagree with the other responses that your friend will suddenly have an ‘a-ha’ moment about her relationship in response to your action, rather, she will probably feel even more isolated and alone, and when she does eventually see the light and realise that she’s better off without her partner, she will need someone to lean on in her darkest hour.

It’s incredibly painful to bear witness to someone going through this and knowing how they won’t leave, despite being aware of the reality of their circumstances, but eventually, she will come around, and she will need you there to support her. Stepping down as MOH will only cause her to feel like she’s lost you, and it will likely cause her partner to question any interaction she does have with you, should that contact continue. It’s difficult to be a bystander doing nothing in these circumstances but stepping down from MOH is going to put an end to a friendship which she so desperately needs.
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Just Said Yes July 2022
Beeharvdv · on July 5, 2021 at 1:06 AM
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I completely understand your side. It’s the thing I fear the most. However, if she so desperately needed this friendship as I would think, she would have responded to every attempt I made to reach out to her for the past couple days. Leaving me on read, denying phone calls, blocking me on social media now, it proves a point that I am no longer wanted in the wedding process. I opened a new credit line specifically for her to help her with any additional expenses and she hasn’t responded to that either.

In the distant past we have gone months without contact when she was in bad relationships and only reached out to me when things were going bitter. Only within the past 4 years have we reconnected and communicated on a regular basis. I don’t want to leave her isolated, but when I am being excluded from everything for months and blocked out this close to the wedding date, I no longer feel the honor of being the MOH. Therefore, as an a unwanted guest, I will be resigning from my position. My presence will cause animosity among 80% of the guests and I do not want to give a fake MOH speech about how “amazing” her husband is—especially when they had a terrible start to their relationship particularly on his end. It seriously hurts to do this. Like I said, if I haven’t lost her already I know this will be the end and I can’t be there for her if she is showing me the signs she doesn't want me there anymore. The only way she can lose me is if I cut her off, but I can only extend my hand as a lifeline. She has the power to cut me off and I will respect that if it’s what will make her happy. In the end, my only wish is her happiness.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on July 5, 2021 at 1:09 AM
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That’s totally fair – there is only so much you can stand by and watch this happen and it is quite emotionally gruelling so I can fully appreciate where you are coming from.

I truly hope your friend eventually comes around one day and after leaving this POS thanks you for everything you’ve done for her.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on July 5, 2021 at 11:51 AM
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I would have a heart to heart with her, tell her you're concerned about her and ultimately I would step down.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 5, 2021 at 9:52 PM
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This is good advice.
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