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January 2020

Stepmother of bride

Judy, on June 13, 2019 at 11:59 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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My husband and I are both widowed and remarried. We got married when my stepdaughter was 13 and she lived with us. Very tuff years with lots of interference from her mom's parents. She has always been stubborn and held her ground. Our relationship was ok she had up a lot of walls that really prevented us from getting super close but for most part got along. So now the mob question.

My stepdaughter is getting married she lives about 90 minutes from us. We don't see much of her. I offered to help with planning when she first got engaged. She seemed ok with it. 2 minutes after she was engaged she booked it. Nothing was run past us as far as date or location suggestion? 2months go by and we hear nothing she doesn't update us or run things by us. At that point I emailed her and asked what role she wanted me to play not to assume mob. She was oh yes I want you to be mob. So I mentioned to her to have her moh contact me about shower.. 2 months later I hear she sat down with moh and told her what she wanted never said anything to me. Two months later I finally hear from moh she has a place picked out another 90 minutes from us. I asked her to move it closer to where most of family and friends live. She went back to bride and bride said no. I'm kind of upset but not surprised knowing her personality. Maybe just won't agree because I suggested it. I feel how am I helping plan if I didn't help with the venue? Is this how it's done these days?

What do I say if they ask me to contribute??

I'm also thinking maybe I shouldn't get a formal gown and just do a short dress? She may decide not to include me in the photos or procession?

Help!

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Melissa, on June 13, 2019 at 7:38 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on June 13, 2019 at 12:04 PM
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Perhaps the MOH decided to take on the shower as her own project. It's great that you offered to help with it, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she has to take you up on that offer.
I think you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. If she asks you to walk in the processional, that's great, but it doesn't really have any impact on your attire.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on June 13, 2019 at 12:07 PM
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Our parents didn't help pick the venue, and my parents are paying for 100% of the wedding. My mom helped pick my dress, florals, food, and she hosted my bridal shower. My dad is out of state so he didn't contribute at all, but we did take dance lessons together. If they ask you to contribute (and you want to), I'd ask for a job rather than just sending cash. Like maybe you get invites, or decor, or food, or games. Then you'll feel like you helped more than just sending money. I'd get whatever dress you feel best in. Mom's can be in processionals and wear short dresses.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 13, 2019 at 12:09 PM
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I don't include my mom in anything wedding planning related to be honest. It's not because I hate her, it's just because I feel like it's easier for me to plan with my bridal party. Maybe you can just be there and say I'll help out however in whatever way I can but if you can keep me in the loop so I am better informed, that'd be great.
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Devoted May 2021
Melissa · on June 13, 2019 at 1:49 PM
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It’s ok for your feelings to be hurt a little. My mom is helping me out a bit financially with my wedding and says it’s whatever I want but I couldn’t imagine not having her be apart of things. My moms feelings would be hurt if I didn’t include her in anything. I understand that your not her mom and not trying to be mob but you are entitled to your feelings and it’s ok to want to be apart. It’s just unfortunate that you are not that close to your step daughter so she’s probably not looking at things the same way you are.
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on June 13, 2019 at 2:30 PM
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She may just be excited about planning with her FH, and not want any influence or interference from family. Not to say that you are interfering. It's just that some brides don't want any input on their choices or decisions, so they don't tell anyone anything. I wouldn't take it too personally, since she said she did want you to be the mob.
As for your dress, ask her what she would like you to wear. If she has no opinion, then pick whatever you are comfortable in that is appropriate for the occasion.
If you want to contribute and are able to, let her know that.
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Champion October 2009
2d Bride · on June 13, 2019 at 3:27 PM
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You have no obligation to contribute. (Many parents don't, regardless of their relationship with their kids.) On the other hand, it is her and her FI's wedding. Sometimes it can be hard for the members of a couple to agree on what they want, and involving a third party in the planning (no matter how well intentioned that person is) can further complicate things. So I wouldn't take it personally.
As far as the shower goes, the traditional rule was that family members should not be involved in planning the shower at all. See Miss Manners, https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-wedding-showers-and-gifts-unwelcome-host-guests/2011/09/30/gIQAhxcavL_story.html. Many people believe that rule has been relaxed these days. But it's still just fine to have another person who volunteers be the sole host.
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January 2020
Judy · on June 13, 2019 at 3:45 PM
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That's it completely at first I was hurt that I wasn't included in planning but I got past it. Then it was the wedding dress, didn't get included in that, got a last minute invite but then she canceled because she already got the dress. I think this situation with the shower put me over. As time goes on I know less and less. She has a decent amount from her dad to pay. I was so excited to be part of the wedding the air is slowly going out of the balloon.
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Devoted June 2020
Kimber · on June 13, 2019 at 5:03 PM
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I'm trying to find a way to phrase this, but many of your statements are focused on you. I think it's wonderful that you want to help your stepdaughter, but think you might need to adjust your perspective to look at things from where she is coming from. It seems she knows she can rely on you for help, she may just not need help. It doesn't seem that she needed help with the venue, so perhaps view it not as a slight to you, but just her not calling in the reinforcements (you) for that task. The shower location is tough, but not to be offensive, there are probably other reasons why the location and arrangements were made the way things were other than as a slight to you. Just try to remember that you love her, so approach these things from an 'I'm here to support you' view rather than a 'things should be run by me for approval' angle
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January 2020
Judy · on June 13, 2019 at 5:32 PM
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Totally wrong I don’t want to run things would just like to be a part of it. Meaning talk to us! She is not my daughter I could never ever “run” anything for her since day one!
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Devoted May 2021
Melissa · on June 13, 2019 at 7:38 PM
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I don’t think she was expecting things be run by her. She’s just excited and wants to help even in the slightest. Her step daughter will need her help when she falls short on money and that’s not fair either.
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