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Just Said Yes October 2020

Stepmonster.

Ashley, on August 26, 2019 at 6:18 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 12
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I am just about at my wits end with drama including my fiancé’s stepmother, and it’s creating so many problems it’s ruining our entire wedding planning experience so I need to vent and get some opinions. I have always known my fiancé’s stepmother was insecure when it came to his mom, for whatever reason I’m not sure (remember this) - My FH and I decided on a small Intimate destination wedding with our close friends and immediate family, so we were excited to have our engagment party so everyone can get acquainted and meet eachother. Like I said, stepmother was very insecure. The day of our party she had walked in, my mother mistakingly thought she was my FH mom and was SO excited she ran up to her and said i know you! I’m so excited to meet you.. (keep in mind, both women are blonde and very similar looks wise) so it was an honest mistake, StepM smacked my moms arm away from a hug and said “don’t you do that. Don’t do that” in front of my whole family and our friends. I wasn’t in the room so I didn’t hear about it until I got back, and was LIVID but didn’t mention anything because it was my engagment party and I wanted to have a good time. StepM came up to me later in the evening and told
me how wonderful my dad and sisters were, leaving out my mom - I said “oh did you have a chance to meet my mom?” And she gave me a sideways look with an eye roll - so I called her out. I said “I heard you kind of had a weird altercation earlier, it was an honest mistake I wish you would have been a little nicer.” She BLEW UP & immediately got defensive instead of realizing she probably overreacted. She then tried to tell me my mother was lying about what happened and all of our guests who witnessed it as well, I kept my calm and said “it was an honest mistake I think you should understand that” trying to get her to come around and realize. She then continued to yell at me with her finger IN MY FACE to stop this and to drop it.. I told her politely to please get her finger out of my face and then she said “NO you stop this” with her finger in my face again. So I told her she needed to leave, she was clearly on a mission and didn’t care about anyone she hurt in the process. My Fiancé's dad tried to drag her out but she wouldn’t, she then came over to me to pretend to apologize so he let her come over, she told me “Now you have caused a scene.” No apology, so i walked away. Needless to say my entire family and FH told her she needed to go immediately and my FH and I cried in the back room of our party because of what happened. It is now the main memory of our party and we are devastated. My fiancé’s dad has called and the stepM has as well but as this point no apology is going to reverse the damage, she had so many opportunities to apologize and make things right and she didn’t. We told FFIL we don’t want her at the wedding with all the problems she caused, we are embarrassed and worried what she might do at our intimate wedding. He said if she isnt invited he won’t be there. My fiancé was in tears not knowing how his father could defend this behavior. HELLLLLP.

12 Comments

Latest activity by Ashley, on August 27, 2019 at 4:12 PM
  • Aleaj
    Expert October 2019
    Aleaj ·
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    Hi hun. I hate you had to experience this, i understand how important it is to have your future father in law there. Some adults still behave like children. I would tell my fiancé to tell his dad that she can come, but she needs to sincerely apologize and STAY IN HER PLACE AT THE WEDDING! Your fiancé needs to handle this. I’ve been through similar situations, it will work out for the best!
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  • Fmv
    Super October 2020
    Fmv ·
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    Omg! Im so sorry this is happening. Can you invite her but tell the ffil there needs to restrictions? I wouldnt give her any place or role in the wedding. She can sit with everyone else as a guest
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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Ashley ·
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    Thank you Smiley sad We aren’t having a wedding party so that wouldn’t be a concern, I think the main thing is we simply don’t want her there you know? I just don’t want to feel awkward/worried about someone on my wedding day, we have a lot of group activities planned and there’s only 30 people Invited, I’m terrified!

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  • Yam
    VIP September 2019
    Yam ·
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    I bet FiL is bluffing just to get his way, you could test the waters a bit. Don’t give in, be polite and say “If that’s how you feel” and let him decide if he still wants to come. You owe the stepmother nothing.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    It sucks that you’re in this position. I don’t think your FFIL is defending her behavior, but as most people would he’s choosing his spouse over anyone else because at the end of the day she’s his significant other. Her behavior definitely isn’t ok, but it sounds like you have to decide if it’s more important to have his dad there or to not have her there.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Ashley ·
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    This is kinda where I’m at. I don’t like how when my fiancé tells him we are concerned with her being there, he immediately says he won’t come. My fiancé immediately was in tears. This entire situation is because of her! My parents spent a lot of money and time to put together a great party, the minute she got there until the minute she was kicked out she was a nightmare.. it all seemed like an agenda to me.

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  • Bride2020
    Devoted May 2020
    Bride2020 ·
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    It's hard to say I think you should apologize for something you didn't do, and please don't apologize to her if you don't have the emotional headspace for it, if she has drained you and you really can't deal with that feeling in your gut when you let someone like this get their way, then don't do it! But I guess what I'm saying is... take a moment to realize that feeling is pride, and if you can overcome it for one conversation with her, you would save your FH a lot of drama, and at the end of the day, you will win out. Don't give her the fake story to tell about how she has been wrongfully wounded and not invited to this wedding and have her be grumpy with you for years. That's letting her pull the wool over other peoples eyes. Be the bigger person ONE time. Not for her, but for you, so that you can change the narrative. So you can say the first time she was crazy, you did everything she asked, you apologized, you invited her, and you were kind...and you didn't give her a second chance after that. Take away any way for her to say you didn't apologize or do something to her standard, and then never get walked on again by her. Put up with it once so that you can invite her to this wedding without drama, and then just..avoid her. Don't interact with her before the wedding enough for something else to go wrong, and then after, never roll over for her again and show her you're a boss when she does this kind of stuff. But do it after the wedding. Letting her tell people she isn't invited to your wedding is lasting drama she can easily spin til the end of time. Just my two cents, but I am indeed an internet stranger, so really, I could not have a total grasp of this lady. Best of luck, best, best case scenario: she was having a bad day and nothing bad happens with her ever again. More realistic best case scenario: you apologize, she says something like "oh woe is me, this is too little too late! I don't want to go to the wedding, hrumph!" and then you're free of her and it's her own fault. But I think one fake apology to this woman to save a huge headache isn't the worst thing, you can show her you're strong and aren't going to fall for her crap at a later date. That way your FH and his dad don't have an elephant in the room every time they talk due to him not being at the wedding.

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  • thisismrsb
    Expert June 2019
    thisismrsb ·
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    She publicly insulted you and your mother at your engagement party, without apology, and is still expecting an invitation to your wedding? She needs to address her anger issues and get treatment for her anxiety if she wants to go at this point because both of your mothers will definitely be there.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Ashley ·
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    She has tried to apologize since, but at this point it’s kind of too late. She had multiple opportunities at the party to apologize but she kept trying to put the blame on me and my mother. Also, the apology also includes the excuse of “I had to much to drink.” - which is bizarre because as soon as she walked in the door she created the drama with my mom. The whole thing is such a nightmare and spiral affect on the family, I feel terrible for my fiancé.
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  • thisismrsb
    Expert June 2019
    thisismrsb ·
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    Have FH talk to his dad, tell him that the stepmother needs to give you space, because you are extremely hurt and angry by her actions. Tell dad that if she really wants to come, then she needs to see a therapist to help her deal with her anger and anxiety, or even a psychiatrist if meds are needed. She will only be invited to the wedding after you see some improvement. Explain that this is about you and FH, not her. Your mother and FMIL will most definitely be in attendance and if she wants to go where she will be around them, she needs to check her s***.
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  • Cassi
    Super October 2019
    Cassi ·
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    First, I am so sorry you have to deal with this :/ it really sucks. She is definitely in the wrong. Like previous comments you have to accept in the fact of not inviting her you could end up causing the dad to not come and thats just a reality unfortunately. I know it seems as though he is defending her but honestly he is just doing what any of us would want our husbands to do. My FH and I have a saying " back up in public correct in private." You should always have your SO's back and while I wish he acknowledged at least that she was in the wrong, hes really just doing what a husband should do. I do understand why he would opt to not come as well if she can't come... I know if I wasn't invited to an event like this my FH definitely wouldn't go without me even if I did something that caused me to be in the wrong. She was definitely in the wrong though but you may have to save face this one time. I agree with a previous post that not allowing her to come will be all she will talk about and may cause some more long term drama than saving face but again only YOU know her and how she is so ultimately only you can make the decision.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Ashley ·
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    Yes. I agree it will probably cause more long term problems, My fiancé and I just don’t feel like we deserve to be on eggshells on our wedding day. I don’t deserve to be worried about the interactions between her and my mother, and I also don’t want to spend my wedding day with someone who ruined the celebration of my engagement. There will only be 28 people there including my fiancé and I, and every single person who will be there was there for the engagement party and saw everything. I wish she could make it better and make me forgive and forget, and move on - but my blood is just boiling Smiley sad
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