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Just Said Yes November 2022

Stepdad and Father Wedding Advice

Jenna, on July 13, 2020 at 1:38 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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I recently got engaged in February and what should have been a joyous time has turned into family drama. It hadn't even been a week of being engaged when the first problem happened. My stepdad wanted to be the officiant of my wedding which I was okay with but wasn't a definite plan. I had to talk to my dad about it because I am very close with him and his opinion matters to me, and we agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea. My stepdad lost it when I told him he couldn't officiate the wedding. My mom and stepdad dad absolutely hate my dad and stepmom and I've always been in the middle. After this incident my stepdad hasn't spoken to me. I have tried to be the bigger person and reach out to him but he immediately mentions that it's all about what my dad wants. I have told him he will be a part of my wedding but he won't listen. I don't know what to do. I cant enjoy a single moment of my engagement without a fight breaking out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on July 13, 2020 at 3:19 PM

Master November 2020
Kristen · on July 13, 2020 at 1:45 PM
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May I ask why did you feel it would not be a good idea to have him officiate? You do have that right to make that decision. I say in my opinion do not let people know your plans and just invite them. I am sure it hurts that he is ignoring you and that sucks but truthfully he is a grown man and at the end of the day you do not need to beg anyone to come. I say back off and your decision was your decision and he does not have to like it but he needs to respect it. I say send him and your mom and invitation like normal and it is on them if they choose to come. Only discuss wedding plans with people who are happy for you and your new venture. I hope things get better.
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on July 13, 2020 at 1:55 PM
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Well if nothing else, his own behavior proves he is absolutely the wrong person to have such an important role, so sounds like your gut decision was the right one. Bullet dodged, and now you can find either a professional, or someone who loves and supports you unconditionally.
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Devoted October 2020
Waitingtomarry20 · on July 13, 2020 at 1:57 PM
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Girl! I feel you on the drama. Right after we got engaged, his SILs started asking, “When are you getting married?” and started telling us what to do. I thought it was the happiest time, but it didn’t last too long.
So we die died not tell anybody and just invite them. No wonder why all my friends had eloped. There’s so much drama in wedding planning!
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Jenna · on July 13, 2020 at 2:02 PM
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Thank you. I thought it would not be a good idea because it would really upset my dad and his feelings really matter to me. I mean technically my mom cheated on my dad with my stepdad so I dont blame him for not wanting to see him marrying me and my fiancee. Nothing was ever set in stone it was just an idea that has turned into a nightmare.
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Expert July 2022
Elmarose · on July 13, 2020 at 2:05 PM
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I completely agree with this, I don't understand how your dad wouldn't think it's a good idea. Your stepdad would be officiating and your dad has his role in walking you down the aisle. I think that's beautiful and special. My step dad has been sick for over 10 years in a vegetative state. My prayer is for God to heal him and he could be a part of my wedding. You have the blessing of having both of them there in your wedding day and your step dad wants to be a part of it in officiating your wedding that's special.
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Jenna · on July 13, 2020 at 2:06 PM
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Thank you for your response! I am sticking to my decision.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on July 13, 2020 at 2:19 PM
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Awwwwww ok I can see that perspective. Nothing wrong with protecting your dad. I can agree with a pp that considering how he did react but just not even communicating with you maybe that was a huge bullet dodged. I would say still show him the respect of inviting him but if they choose not to come that is on him. I would not reach out to him further but let him reach out to you if he chooses. Sorry so much drama and as a previous person mentioned that is the benefit of eloping less drama ha ha.
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Devoted August 2022
Sinaya · on July 13, 2020 at 2:24 PM
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So I think your stepdad is being selfish. This day is not about him, it’s about you and your FH and what the both of you want. And considering how he came to be your stepdad I can see why this would upset your dad. Moving forward, if anyone asks to play a special role in the wedding, just say me and FH are still figuring everything out and will let everyone know once a decision is made. And if he doesn’t want to speak to you just leave it alone. You did your part by trying to reach out and that’s all you can do.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on July 13, 2020 at 2:29 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your step-dad needs to grow up. I can definitely understand why your dad wouldn't like your step-dad. Most people don't like the person their spouse cheated on them with. I honestly don't think I'd want any type of relationship with my mom or step-dad if I were in your position. I definitely wouldn't want someone who couldn't respect your parents relationship performing your wedding ceremony.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 13, 2020 at 2:52 PM
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As someone who absolutely had my engagement destroyed by family drama and ultimately made the decision to disassociate with several members of my family, the only useful piece of advice I can give you is to find someone to talk to--a pastor, a tight-lipped friend, even a therapist. I developed anxiety over my wedding due to family fighting about it to the point where I really struggle to enjoy planning. If I could do something differently, I would have tried earlier to formally process and cope with what was happening so it didn't fester in the back of my mind.
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Jenna · on July 13, 2020 at 3:01 PM
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I am luckily seeing a therapist that has helped a lot. She has told me I've done everything she could suggest so it's on my stepdad now.
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Dedicated January 2021
Lorraine · on July 13, 2020 at 3:09 PM
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Ugh, I'm so sorry! I completely understand how it feels to be in the middle of your parents. My sister has actually been really helpful and sat my mom down for a "you need to be an adult about this" conversation. You could also tell your stepdad that you want your officiant to be someone special to BOTH of you.
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Jenna · on July 13, 2020 at 3:16 PM
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Lol I have gotten to the point where I just want to elope, my dad even thought I should but my fiancee really wants the ceremony and everything and I really do too but sometimes they just push me to giving up on the whole thing.
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on July 13, 2020 at 3:19 PM
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Thank you for sharing your dilemma- I am soo sorry you had to go through it! I am thanking my luck stars that so far it’s been drama free. I have relatives that offered but we said we were still in the planning phase. We opted to hire an officiant & couldn’t be happier! There are certain things that we wanted & we wanted someone to be impartial.
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