Step-siblings & FOB's step-granddaughter invitations

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Bridal. Balls.

Learning to stand up for yourself starts now, hon.

No pay, no say.

Who's paying for this wedding?

Make the 11 year-old a JR. BM so no one gets pissy about not allowing the inviting of kids. If your dad has already said she is coming no matter what, you might want to avoid that fight by giving the girl a role in the wedding. 11 is old enough to behave for the most part.

I say this because I would not invite the step-siblings. My family has been disowned by the two children my father had from his first marriage. We have no contact whatsoever. This "getting to know each other" BS, is just that, BS. Since everyone is a grown adult and no effort has been made to connect as of now, you certainly will not do so after the wedding.

@GrayCatVintage She doesn't even want the 11 year old there but you think she should make her a JR BM? I say hell no!

@Erin Put your foot down and tell your Dad no! Unless he's paying for this wedding, he has no say in the guest list. And especially cannot veto your no-kids rule.

Before I offer any suggestion, do you have a relationship with the 11 year old? At the end of the day, is it that big of a deal to invite the 11 year old? Is it worth damaging your relationship with your dad and step-mother over this girl being at your wedding? Ultimately the decision comes down to what you and your FH are comfortable with. But you shouldn't allow either your father/stepmother OR fear of your friends' reactions decide who you invite or don't invite to your wedding. That being said, I think its clearly that your step-mother's children have made it obvious that they are not interested in having a relationship with you so there is no need to extend invitations to them.

A wedding is no time to be "developing" relationships with your step-siblings. If they haven't been a part of your life prior to this wedding, family, or not, and have made no such effort to become a part, they don't deserve to be there. Period! i believe this about all family members, not just step family. Granted, I invited one aunt to keep the peace, but that was because I didn't actually care one way or another.

Now the 11 year old is tricky, but if you feel strongly about her not being there, even though your father is raising her, you need to put your foot down. Just tell him, you are asking other guests to find a baby sitter and you ask that he do so as well, but be prepared for the backlash. Are you actually going to have your father/stepmother escorted out the day of if they bring her?

I would have a heart to heart though and calmly explain to your dad how you are feeling about both of these and how him bringing the 11 year old puts you in an awkward situation with the other guests, so it doesn't make it all about her.

The OP said her stepmother and birth father are RAISING the 11 year old.

Given that the OP does not want to have kids at her wedding, it would be a great compromise to have the 11 year old be a Jr. BM. Why? Because the OP's father and step mother probably treat the kid like their own now, so it would be exceptionally rude to leave her out. Much more so in my opinion than not inviting the 5 step-siblings since they are adults. Since it seems like the father and stepmom are up in arms over two issues, the step-siblings and the 11 year old they have adopted, it seems more logical to have the 11 year old as a BM. That way no guest can get butthurt about not inviting their kids too since the 11 year old will have a "role" in the wedding. The issue with the step sibling can be the compromise as to not have to invite 10 other people (step siblings and their spouses).

It is ultimately up to the OP who she and her FH invite especially if they are PAYING. If it turns out papa is footing the bill, she really has no choice but to invite ALL of them.

Thanks for all your words and advice.

To answer your questions: my dad is paying a portion of the wedding but not all of it. I do NOT have a relationship with the 11 year old aside from saying "hey, how's it going" at family functions and her short answer "fine" as she's got her nose in her iPad. "Fine" seems to be her answer for everything; "how's school going?" "fine". tap.tap.tap.... 'Nuff said.

She has NOT been adopted by my dad and stepmom; they are her guardians. Not that that makes much of a difference.

Update: I spoke privately with my dad and he seems to understand, though is very concerned for his wife's feelings, rightly so. He apologized for telling me harshly he was bringing the child, and his final words were "it's your wedding". And should the child end up coming, if anyone at the wedding brings it up, I will direct them to my dad and SM and they can explain it.

My stepmom is the hurdle. She is taking this VERY personally and it's like talking to a brick wall. We even said we would invite her kids, but because we weren't going to originally, she just won't let that go. She appears to refuse to even try to understand or accept what my FH and I are trying to convey. I sense a lot of awkward family functions in the upcoming future.

1) Step-Siblings since there is no relationship no need to invite definately not a time to "develop" those no matter what your step-mother wishes would happen it just isn't going to and it sounds like nothing matters regardless of what you decided because she is stuck on the original decision not to invite

2) 11 yo unfortunately sounds like you should invite her given your Dad is paying a protion and they are her guardians it is not like she is soome random kid either and if anyone says anyhting just do like you said direct them to your dad and SM.

Good luck with your decisions

I agree with Erin. If they are paying for a portion of the wedding and it's important to them, then it's just not worth the bad blood not to invite the eleven-year-old. Fortunately, the daughter isn't a rambunctious two-year-old or something. It's pretty silly to think you'll get to know someone better at a wedding where you're the bride and the daughter isn't particularly outgoing, but this is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your parents and do something considerate for them. I'd definitely stand my ground with other guests' children requests, though.

I'm going to disagree with everyone here. Step-siblings are siblings. You should invite them, especially if your dad is contributing. Is he contributing more than what it costs to invite everyone?

@Erin: We'll have to agree to disagree especially since I was not at all rude with my opinion.
Don't use the royal we. I would only ever tell someone not to invite their siblings if there was some serious rift and it doesn't sound like there is.

Even if she shouldn't have to invite them, is it worth the issues this is causing? It's important to pick and chose your battles. If this one is important to her, that's fine, but she asked our advice and my advice is the she should invite them.

I re-married into a blended family - he has kids still in grade school and so do I. From my perspective, my kids don't understand when they are excluded from other family events (outside this immediate group) and his kids are the same way. I think it is a sad situation when blended families aren't included - they can always decline - but inviting them/including them does nothing except foster good will and recognize that family (either by birth or by marriage) means something. And, for me, inviting all family (even if one is a child and it is an adult-only wedding) meets etiquette - I have been to several weddings where non-family children weren't invited, but the wedding-family included their children. To me, marriage makes us family and inviting all the family for our events is a given. My oldest stepdaughter has chosen not to include my middle school/high school children in her honorary wedding party (honorary, not standing up - she has chosen not to have any attendants, but is having her full-sister and groom's sisters be honorary). Besides the fact I covered the venue and photographer, and have asked for nothing else (even my siblings didn't make the guest list), I was surprised. We have lived in the same house together and the children do get along. My boys don't care, but my 11-year-old daughter doesn't understand. The way I was raised, I never imagined her step-siblings wouldn't be included. It has not been a good feeling... and one I would try my best to avoid giving to someone else.