Splitting Holidays For First Married Christmas

My wife & I are both super close with our families. My family lives about 1.5 hours from us and my in-laws only live about 30 minutes. For thanksgiving, we spent the morning & afternoon with my in-laws then drove to my families house and stayed the night. For Christmas, we will do Christmas Eve afternoon and early evening with my in-laws and my family is coming to our house that night and staying over. Christmas morning and afternoon we will spend with my family at our house, then Christmas evening we will be back with my in-laws. It’s a lot of back & fourth, but it makes everyone happy.

He needs to be the one to talk to her and he needs to set boundaries. Your family is his family and vice versa. She needs to back off some and if she cannot then he needs to turn his phone off. Your family is just as important and they should not be the chew and screw. If he cannot put his foot down then he can go and you can spend more time with your family and join later. She has to share.

When you're going to her house second, I think you should give her a time and then TURN YOUR PHONES OFF. You will arrive when you said you would, but will not let her interrupt your other plans. When you are ready to leave, you need to get up, say good-bye and then LEAVE. It sounds like you need to be very clear about boundaries with her. Good luck!

Has she been hosting the holidays for a long time? Do many other people come over to her house for the holidays?

I totally get that it's hard to let go of traditions and time with family. I've been with my FH for 5 sets of holidays now, and it's honestly still hard on me to not spend as much time with my family as I used to. But everyone has to compromise - your MIL included.

My FH is not close with his mom, but he is with his aunt. For Thanksgiving, we spend all day with my family; then we do Thanksgiving 2 on the following Sunday with his family. For Christmas, we generally see my immediate family Christmas morning, then spend the rest of the day with his dad. The Saturday after Christmas, we do part II with my extended family. On Sunday, we do part II with his extended family. It's a lot, and it's significantly changed from when I was growing up, where we'd spend Christmas Eve at one grandparents' house, then Christmas Day at the other grandparents'. But this way, everyone gets a substantial amount of time together.

Your MIL has to realize that your family has grown, and everyone is equally deserving of your time. Thinking she can text/call and have you guys leave early to be with her is incredibly rude, and can't happen anymore. I would have your H talk with her and set boundaries. As PPs mentioned, have a set time when you'll be there, and don't respond if she texts/calls - that behavior can't be rewarded, or she'll keep doing it.

Not sure if you guys are planning on having kids at any point, but that's something else that will change the holiday dynamic. I used to see my extended family on my mom's side on Christmas Eve, but when my aunt had my cousin, they asked if we could switch the get-together to the Saturday after Christmas - they live 2 hours away, and understandably wanted my cousin home Christmas Eve to get ready for Santa and such. Even though she's a teen now, we still keep this format because they have their own tradition on Christmas Eve now.

I hope your MIL comes around!

Everyone has given you great suggestions. I have a difficult future mother-in-law who is struggling with seeing her son transition into a new family (he and I). This Christmas is the last one as an engaged couple, and she calls it "my son's last Christmas". As if he's dying. It's so bizarre to me but everyone on their side is used to her dramatics. I wonder if this is a mother/son dynamic more generally. I think the advice people are giving you about your husband turning off his phones and being clear about what time they can expect you to arrive is great. Maybe in the future your husband and you can be the hosts of Christmas or Thanksgiving- that way both of your families can join you in your home.

I have this same issue but with my grandma (she's raised me since I was three). His family is super understanding and lets us do what we need to, but my grandma tries to guilt trip me. My family lives in Arkansas (a 6 hour drive from Kansas City) and his parents live in Florida, so not an easy trip to either. When I told my grandma we weren't coming for Christmas (since we went there for Thanksgiving) she about had a little kid meltdown. I know it's not easy but have him have the conversation with her and like everyone else said, set a time at which you'll be there and don't respond to anything else.

I think your H need to grow a little more of a backbone. If you two have decided what is fair and doable for the two of you - he needs to communicate that to his mother and tell her specifics "We will be with Josie's family in the afternoon and will be to your house no later than 4pm. I will let you know when we leave Josie's mom's, so please don't interrupt our family time with them by calling and texting - you wouldn't like it if her mom did that while we are with you."

My husband and I both came from single mother households, my MIL is now married though. This is exactly how my MIL acts, constantly calling and texting my husband to kind out when we're getting there. The first year it happened when we got to her house she told us "Finally, you got here, I thought you were never coming and I was going to be all by myself" My husband laughed and I (disappointed because we left earlier than I wanted from my family's house) responded with "Well I wanted to be with my mom for a bit and I was not going to leave her early when shes by herself to run over here where you have a full house and party going on" I also told her that it would not be nice for me to pull my husband away just because I wanted to be with my mom, we both need to be considerate of each other.

If your husband thinks its wrong but can't seem to get the point across I don't see why you can't simply tell them hey were doing our best to see everyone on these special days, going out of our way to drive around when everyone else is at home (because thats the part I hate the most) we'll get here when we get here and we'll leave when we're ready.

You guys need to have a voice together as a couple, don't let her walk all over you!