Shan
Just Said Yes October 2020

Sos; need advice on taking people out of the wedding!!!

Shan, on January 20, 2020 at 5:39 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18
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Hi everyone!

I am hoping for some advice on something I am having a REALLY hard time with. Its kind of a long post and I am sorry.

Little back story so that its clear whats going on. So, my fiancé and I picked out our wedding party in September 2018 when we got engaged; we had a plan to get married in July 2019 but after being told I would never have kids, we found out we were pregnant December 2018. Super exciting, we had our daughter in August 2019 therefore, we pushed our wedding to this October 2020.

My fiancé has all 3 of my brothers standing up as groomsmen, so we asked 1 of them to have his kids in the wedding as well (realizing now, HUGE mistake). We made some changes to our people & made them a JR Groomsman, a JR bridesmaid & a female ring bearer. My SIL has been SO overbearing with all of the wedding planning already. She is not in the wedding (we are not and have never been close whatsoever). She doesn't like the color of the dresses for her daughters, she told me SPECIFICALLY how she wants her kids hair done, the flowers she wants in their hair, the fact that she needs to be involved in all of the wedding events (WHICH IS NOT HAPPENING) and now, she is trying to tell me that they will be wearing high heels and not the cowboy boots in the wedding.....all of this she said in the group chat with the whole wedding party (how embarrassing Smiley angry !!!). All of my friends in the wedding created a separate group chat without her and every single person has told me how uncomfortable she has made them feel due to her arguing with me Smiley ups . We decided that it is better off to ease tensions and take the elephant out of the room by removing the kids from the wedding....HOW DO I NICELY TELL HER WE ARE TAKING THEM OUT WITHOUT HER FREAKING ON ME!!!! HELPPPP! I am desperate.

18 Comments

Latest activity by Florida Marlins, on January 21, 2020 at 4:04 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    I think it’s pretty awful to hurt your nieces and nephews because of their mother’s actions. A more mature alternative would be a conversation with your SIL, adult to adult, about her behavior.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    No way to do it rather just sit with her and tell her that you appreciate her help but that you would like to plan the wedding as you would like and to let her bridesmaids plan it. You hope she will attend the event but I would also stop including her in any wedding talk and if she wants an opinion in regards to involvement I would just tell her that someone has it under control or have FH talk to her. You removing the kids is not fair to them and could cause bigger in law issues.

    • Reply
  • K
    Dedicated October 2019
    KAREN ·
    • Flag

    Agreed with Caytlyn. You can't penalize your nieces and nephews for your SIL's behavior. I would speak with her honestly and tell her that while you appreciate her suggestions, you are doing things the way you are doing them and that you would really love them in the wedding party but that they need to wear what is required of the wedding party.

    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't penalize the children for the behavior of their parents. Are you close with your brother? Maybe you can discuss what the kids will wear with him (leaving out any negative comments about his wife). Also decide what really matters (their clothes, for instance) and leave the rest of it alone (e.g., their hair and flowers).


    And finally, since you have 10 months until your wedding, you have plenty of time to take a break from this topic. Kids clothing can just be bought off the rack much closer to the event. If you don't spend between now and October locked in battles with your SIL over inconsequential things, you will enjoy wedding planning much more!

    • Reply
  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
    • Flag

    Agreeing with everyone on not penalizing the kids bc of her. Your FH needs to talk to her and let her know her behavior is unacceptable. While the outfits are your call - it doesn’t matter if she like them or not, too bad - the hair is really the person’s decision. It is a big much to dictate how someone wears their hair. However, she needs to pay for it. He needs to let her know that is the required attire and she needs to get on board, otherwise they will not be allowed in the party. That puts the ball in her court if she decides to pull them out. It should also be stated that communication like this needs to be between you and him only, and not in a group convo. That is totally inappropriate.

    • Reply
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    Oh my goodness, this woman sounds like a nightmare to deal with!


    I agree with the other posters, the kids should not be penalised for their ridiculous mother's actions, and I imagine they are likely excited already for their roles. It will probably cause more upset to remove them from the party than to deal with the mother alone.


    I would sit down with your SIL and assert to her that it is your wedding and that you are the one solely responsible for choosing how they will look etc (perhaps though say you are open to suggestions if you wish). If she has a problem with it and wants them not to be in the bridal party, fine, put it on her.


    Even more so, removing the kids from the party doesn't change the fact that this woman's behaviour is totally unacceptable. She needs to be put in her place.

    • Reply
  • Megan
    Super October 2020
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    There is no nice way to tell her that.
    Also, if she’s already freaking out about hair and flowers and cowboy boots, this would just cause a huge blowup.
    To echo PP’s, that would be so upsetting for the kids.
    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag

    Since it's your Fiance's brother, have him talk to his brother and explain that his wife is making everyone uncomfortable with her demands. Have him explain that if she is not will to do things the way the two of you want them done, she is free to remove her children from the wedding party.

    • Reply
  • Crystal
    Devoted October 2020
    Crystal ·
    • Flag
    Maybe say something to her husband,

    If she refuses to have her daughters follow your requested wear, she can remove them. It’s on her.
    If she freaks out on you have her do it by text or messages. Then, you have evidence to show family members if she’s that kind of crazy.
    And you can do a kid free wedding (with exception of bridal party children).
    Good luck 🍀
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    I am with others, don't cut the kids. Their mother will make you the villain and poison your relationship with them forever. Do talk to your brother. Explain in terms that leave no doubt or wiggle room: It is your wedding. You pick exact dresses, or if you want ( not mom) just ok colors and style, subject to your approval. Jr bridesmaid must wear same boots other bridesmaids are. Depending on the age of the others, you might want to okay flats for the kids. It is truly ridiculous to spend what could be $60-100 for a kids boots to match yours, if the child is at an age to outgrow them in 3 months. But if they are young enough for no boots, No Heels. And tell brother his wife is not in charge of your wedding party attire. You are. If he cannot convince his wife to behave in a socially appropriate way ( ie. no bullying the bride) then you will let the kids and everyone else know it is completely their mother's fault they cannot be in the wedding. Because mother won't let them dress like the wedding party. Kids usually are not exact matches. They wear clothes that are compatible with the wedding party, accenting colors or the same colors. Not matching dresses. Most adult bridesmaid wear is too sexualized in its cut to be appropriate for very young teens and girls ( ditto wearing heels.) And often for a family kids' budget, anything over $45-90 is exorbitant for a child who may only have 2 chance to wear it before outgrowing it. If you have $125-$250 BM dresses, buying 3 at bridal prices would be tough. 1 J BM, ok.
    It is not up to any bride to decide the hairstyle or color of any BM, even if she pays the hair dresser. A bride may state a preference, but in the end every BM will do as she likes. ( Same with GM hair and facial hair.). So why fight the mother on that. Just , Jr BM will or won't wear a hair piece or accessories, according to what the other BM wear. That you choose. Kids, who cares, they are one of a kind.
    These are pretty standard rules for any wedding. So make it clear to your brother, if his wife is difficult about this, you will tell the world, the kids are all disappointed, but it was their mother who insisted they dress the way she wanted, totally ignoring the BM and your choice. So you had to accept them withdrawing, since you are not getting in a public fight with SIL. But perhaps brother can intervene, for the kids' sake?
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    THIS. 💯 percent.
    • Reply
  • Shan
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Shan ·
    • Flag
    Hey guys! Thanks for all your advice! So it’s MY brother not my fiancé’s brother haha. But, I did try to talk to her last night; she took my calm and cool chat, to an extreme level and tried super hard to make me the bad guy haha. My dad (isn’t a fan of her either) actually typed most of the messages back to her to create a “healthy boundary” and she absolutely blew up and so did my brother. My brother started and ended the conversation with some nasty words followed by “my wife, kids & myself are out. You’re acting selfish and spoiled so now you can do whatever the f*** you want”



    Y’all, last I checked, this is MY day to be selfish if I want to be 😂😂😂 anyways, thank you all again for the advice 🙏🏽💜
    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Wow. I'm sorry they're being like that, but hopefully, problem solved! You're absolutely allowed to be "selfish" on your own wedding day. I'm betting they were, too. I do hope this isn't just for show, and that they're not expecting you to give in to their demands and beg them to come back, or something. Sounds like too much drama, to me!

    • Reply
  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Exactly this!

    • Reply
  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
    • Flag

    Tell the SIL:


    1. Her kids will wear the assigned attire, or not be attendants.


    2. She is not a wedding planner, but an honored guests.


    Good luck.

    • Reply
  • Cherry
    Expert February 2020
    Cherry ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    What a bummer. Unfortunately, I had a feeling it would go that way, no matter how nice and calm you were during the conversation. It IS your day to be a *tad* selfish and you do have every right to plan for a specific look and feel for the day, and if they didn't want to add to it, and in fact wanted to take away from that aesthetic, then it is definitely your right to dismiss them. I'm glad they have backed down, though it was in poor taste for them to blow up and put it all on you.


    I'm amazed at how other people who have been married suddenly forget how stressful it was for them to plan a wedding X amount of years ago. They forget that they had their perfect day and it was because everyone had to put up with their craziness LOL! Oh well.


    I'm sorry they blew up. But I'm glad that stresser is gone now. Best of luck with the planning, and congrats on your little bundle of joy!! Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • Jill
    Jill ·
    • Flag

    You get to be a tad bit selfish but unless your paying for your niece's or any of your bridesmaid's hair, you don't really get to dictate how they wear it. I'm not sure that's a hill you want to die on. And is this really worth ruining your relationship with your brother? However, I can understand you putting your foot down on attire.

    • Reply
  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree. Give her choices, it can be her call. But please don't pull the kids due to the sins of the mother. It will not end well for anyone.

    • Reply

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