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M
Beginner December 2019

sos House Wedding

Meara, on November 16, 2019 at 9:15 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12
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I have a chronic illness. My wedding was going to be 100 people, outdoors and in December. Thanks to being integrated into the community, we pulled things off cheap and everything was set to go. But with an early winter and being a graduate student, my illness has come on hard. After much agonizing my fiancé and I decided to forgo the big wedding and marry a day earlier than planned at my family’s house. We explained my situation to my vendors and all were able to accommodate except the wedding planner.
The house wedding will have only immediate family and my 2 close friends (my parents are both only children and my grandmother cannot travel).
My question is, how do I gracefully bow out of my big wedding? People in my community have expressed excitement, some helped pay for my dress, own the venue we got a discount on, and many other favors that helped my fiancé and I pull off a big wedding at 6k. Then there’s my fiancé’s big family that purchased plane tickets and hotel rooms to see us. So - SOS, diplomacy?

12 Comments

Latest activity by Vicky, on November 17, 2019 at 7:35 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I’m sorry that you’re sick and unable to continue with your wedding plans. I have to say though that I don’t think there’s a way you can do this without upsetting people. Family members have booked flights and accommodations for the weekend before Christmas? That’s likely expensive and non-refundable. I completely understand why you’re looking to cancel, but without being willing to pay people the money they’ll be out, I don’t think there’s really a diplomatic way of handling this.
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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    I agree with Sarah. Family and friends will be pretty upset especially because it is SO CLOSE to your wedding date. Are you sure there isn't any way that you can get some sort of medical accommodation, medication, anything for you to go through this on the intended date? I understand that chronic illnesses can really take a toll on the body, trust me. I do get that. But, my only thing is how close to the wedding it is. Family members booking plane tickets is HUGE. I mean they are READY for your big day. It's just way too close. I would reconsider changing your date unless you feel like your condition is truly life threatening. A lot of people that have weddings around Christmas find they have a smaller turnout on their guest list. So the fact some folks really did book flights the week before Christmas is huge. I would try to see if there was any way you could still continue on with your wedding on your planned date. I don't think this will boil over well with most of your guests. I would understand if it was an acute condition, that would be sort of different. But you've most likely had this chronic issue for some time, and I would think you would have thought about how this could have potentially affected the outcome of your wedding. However, I do not know what your medical condition is and I'm not a doctor. I hope everything works out for you though. I really do, because this one is tough.

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  • M
    Beginner December 2019
    Meara ·
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    I am recently diagnosed, and treatment resistant. At my last appointment they were talking of hospitalizing me in order to go to the wedding and honeymoon. I’ve been calling my doctors like crazy. We’re trying to figure things out.
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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    I'm really sorry to hear about all of that. I really hope everything works out for you and everyone involved, Meara!!!

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  • M
    Beginner December 2019
    Meara ·
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    Thank you, Andrea!
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  • M
    Beginner December 2019
    Meara ·
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    Thank you, Sarah. I designed some cards trying to explain the situation to be mailed out.... I hope that helps.
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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    You need to let people know ASAP. I get how you can’t always control medical things, and this may be completely out of your control, but expect people to be angry. You’re letting them know with less than a months notice that you’re canceling. Most people will not get refunds on their airfare, and may also lose money on their hotels. It’s one of the busiest months of the year, so I’m sure there’s other things they could be doing if they hadn’t planned to come to your wedding. I hope no one takes it out on you, but you should prepare yourself for upset guests. I wish you the best.
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  • M
    Beginner December 2019
    Meara ·
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    Yes. I am aware. I am trying to think of how to get the word out - I have prepared cards to send out with careful wording, and I am also thinking of an email listserv. I don’t necessarily want my MIL wanting to handle all of the communications with my fiancé’s family.
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  • R
    Super September 2018
    Rachel ·
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    Is this a money-related issue? I ask because if your family has already booked travel and you’re already paying a caterer (whether you use or not), would you be open to turning all of that into a family holiday get together rather than completely cancelling? Perhaps feel out a few close family members to see if that would interest them. I know my and my husband’s family only get together so often.. so my thought is if they’re out the money whether they get on the plane or not, perhaps it’s be some consolation that they could still travel and get together and see each other just before the holidays?
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  • M
    Beginner December 2019
    Meara ·
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    This is a good idea. Only 4 family members bought tickets but many bought hotel rooms. I don’t really know because I don’t communicate with my fiancé’s family. My family is just me, parents, sister. I know money is a concern for us. I may have to call my MIL. My big problem is that I barely made it through my tiny church couples shower and had to use a mobility aid. I don’t want a bunch of people and I need a day of rest before I hop a plane to Costa Rica.
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  • R
    Super September 2018
    Rachel ·
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    Ok, I don’t know the details of your situation. Perhaps by flipping it to a holiday get together and taking the stress off you being the center of attention would help? Or you could skip it all together and let the family get together without you if you still want to offer it. But if this is truly more of a situation where you need the money back, then this isn’t a viable alternative since I’m suggesting you repurpose the arrangements you had for the wedding toward a more casual get together. Otherwise, what about pushing the honeymoon back a few days or months? That impacts you and FS alone rather than 100 of your nearest and dearest. Best of luck to you.
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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    Agreed. If at all possible, push the honeymoon back before causing your friends and family to waste money they already spent based on a promise of a wedding invitation from you.

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