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Just Said Yes September 2022

Somehow my wedding is all about my moh

Sarah090522, on August 11, 2022 at 10:30 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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I have a MOH that I am struggling with. I want to communicate with her and the other bridesmaids that they’re supposed to be there for me instead of just me being there for them on my wedding day… but I struggle with tact when I feel this hurt and frustrated.

She complains about her MOH dress all the time to me. I ended up having to style her entire outfit so she doesn’t feel washed out at the wedding. She picked the color of the dresses. I ended up making birthday brunch reservations for her plus one the day before the wedding. And then when they moved hotels I made them another one.

Then she cancelled their reservation by my hotel in the town where the wedding is to go stay near everyone else/her friends instead of me the day before/day of the wedding.
She is having me prepare the bridal suite for all of them and get them all charcuterie, pastries, champagne, decorations, and wrap/display all of the bridesmaid/MOH gifts before everyone arrives, so they feel special on my wedding day. She wants me to run errands for her. Somehow after every conversation we have, I end up with more tasks to help make the day special for her.
I specifically told her for the bachelorette where I wanted to go and that the “bride square/bride tribe” is not my style and that I just want to color coordinate with white… so she went and got a bunch of “bride tribe” shirts and “bride squad” slippers. She is showing up late to the bachelorette. I am paying for all of the food, drinks, decorations etc. and got everyone beautiful, custom gifts for the bachelorette.
Our wedding is destination, so anytime I ask her to help with anything she complains about her luggage space and that this is her vacation and my wedding just happens to happen during it. That makes sense to me for the guests- not the bridal party. She also keeps telling me I should be grateful that anyone is even coming because of the travel expense. She makes the most money out of everyone who is even coming to the wedding, but complains about the cost the most.
Thanks for making it to the bottom. Any help or advice would be extremely appreciated. I’m at a loss and I don’t want it to ruin our friendship, but I’m starting to feel like this is a one-sided friendship.

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5 Comments

Latest activity by Erin, on August 12, 2022 at 3:41 PM

Champion November 2054
Jacks · on August 11, 2022 at 11:19 PM
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She's right though? This is her vacation. She's taken time off work and is spending money to go to where you want to go to be there for you.
The bridal party doesn't have any extra responsibilities other than to get the dress and show up on the day ready for photos. It wasn't her job to organize the bachelorette etc. In terms of money, again, it's not really up to you to determine how much is ok to spend.. It's her money after all.
Maybe it would help to focus on the fact that she will be there for you, despite the distance. Practice gratitude for all of the things that people are doing.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on August 12, 2022 at 2:13 AM
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I agree with Jacks. When did the honour of being a bridesmaid turn into a job?
Maybe I was not the 'normal' bride but I helped organise things for our guests that travelled, planned my bachelorette, organised and set up all the food and decorations for the morning of the wedding etc etc.
I personally don't understand when brides think that "I'm getting married" entitles them to expect their friends to bend over backwards to do things for the wedding, plan things, spend money etc.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on August 12, 2022 at 8:15 AM
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You chose to have a destination wedding, and should settle accomodations for your guests. As for getting ready, her image doesn't have to be your plan. However, you should feed your attendants and hair and make-up crew breakfast, mimosas optional. It will be a long day. Decorations are completely unnecessary. You're MOH bestie is a complainer, you knew that. Check her and tell her you have other things to worry about than her luggage. Then lean on your FS for the rest of planning because your friends aren't free labor.
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Expert October 2023
Bailey · on August 12, 2022 at 8:49 AM
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While I always try to sympathize, I don't understand the "she's making me" tone of this post. Nobody can make you do anything. Why did you set up a birthday brunch for her, and change her hotel? Is she an adult? It sounds like she has a history of being babied by her friends, which you are enabling. My advice is tell her no.
"this is her vacation and my wedding just happens to happen during it." is rude of her to say. Yes, it's her vacation, but she should not have phrased it this way IMO.
As far as the bridal suite, if you're having a destination wedding, you should have done those things (set up, get food, etc) for your bridal party without her telling you to. It sounds to me, as your MOH, she's trying to make the experience special for the other bridesmaids, not just herself.
As a destination bride myself, you absolutely need to step up as the Bride and make the experience special for your guests/bridal party. They're likely doing/spending a LOT for you to make it to your wedding.
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Super May 2022
Erin · on August 12, 2022 at 3:41 PM
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Sorry, but have to agree with all above. Bridesmaids’ and MOH’s obligations are just get the dress and show up to the day. Anything beyond that is optional. While I understand wanting to feel special, as most brides do, having others plan the event(s) for you should not apply. I think maybe in some way, a lot of the wedding rom-com movies out there have made ladies think that the MOHs and BMs are supposed to work on a lot of stuff for the bride. Personally I planned everything, even the bachelorette. My parents set up decor along with the coordinator because they wanted to, and that was that.

Now when it comes to her hotel reservation, yes that is a bit much. She is an adult and should not be asking you to book for her. Your only obligation is to let everyone know where a block is available, and after that it’s up to everyone to book their room.
I’d advise to set appropriate boundaries with her about communication (regarding the part about her complaining to you about luggage space like Michelle said) and be sure to express gratitude to the bridal party that they are flying all that way for you.
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