Social Name Change

I had a big issue with what to address wedding invites to DH's friends. Some are professionally/legally maiden names, some socially go by either. It's really up in the air.

When you socially go by something, it's not official in any way, there's no real way to let people know, and it's really just not true. It's someone's choice to be called Jennifer or Jen - basically in the same way you're choosing to hyphenate, but you can really enforce it.

I just think going by more than one name (something professionally and legally, and something else socially) is just really a nickname you're giving yourself.

ETA: your you're - ugh

Oh, I kind of like thinking of it as a nickname we're giving ourselves!

Legally, there is no issue. As for its being "just not true," that's no more the case than if you were named Jennifer and called yourself Jenny. But practically, there are some things to think about:

* You have to be consistent in all legal documents. People have lost the ability to vote, for example, if the driver's license says SK and the voter registration says S.

* Bank statements have to be in your legal name. So if you write a check as a gift to a family member or friend, it would have to be in the names of S & K, not of SK.

* To the extent that part of the issue is having SK as your name on Facebook, say, Facebook has taken a pretty hard line lately on requiring people to use their legal names.

This is not necessarily a reason not to do it, but you should be aware that it may cause some complications.

Thanks, @2dBride! I didn't know FB had taken a stance on that. I have friends who change their names on FB all the time, adding middle names, dropping last names, hyphenating, un-hyphenating, etc. I'll have to look into that!

Just curious, but how does Facebook know what someone's legal name is? There isn't any proof required to change a name on there that I've ever seen?

@AdventuresofRuth, I just looked it up. It looks like they can ask you to send in an ID or a copy of an ID to verify it. You can also send in a copy of a marriage license, which I'm imaging would work for a social name change as well. I can't imagine they do this often. I have friends who name themselves some pretty wacky things on FB. I think it's probably for cases of identity theft or people impersonating celebrities.

I'm curious what/how you would decide on the name for your children? Also, just curious if there's a reason you're not taking his last name, why you're hyphenating only socially and not legally? Just being nosey.

@K, we're considering hyphenating when we have kids. Among other things, changing it socially now would be a way to see if we like it. If we hyphenated when we have kids, we'd change ours legally to match though we'd keep our original names professionally. I publish a lot and want to keep my maiden name for that. Other considerations for when we have kids include giving them my name or giving my name to one and his name to another. Whatever we do, we probably won't only give them his name.

For us, it feels outdated and patriarchal. It seems fundamentally strange for a woman to carry babies and go through all the pain of labor and then have them not even get her name. That's just us and we certainly respect those who make different choices.

Those are also our basic reasons for me not taking his name, period. FH actually has super strong feelings about it; he'd rather not even hyphenate and would probably be fine with giving the kids my name. He thinks a woman taking a man's name isn't compatible with his understanding of feminism and wanting me to take his name isn't compatible with his feminist identity. (Of course, if I was insistent upon taking his name he'd be okay with it.) I am more of a third-waver so I don't exactly see it that way, but I know it isn't right for me.

Interesting, thanks @Jessie!

My mom has her name written in Korean on Facebook and when she wanted to change it to the English spelling (still of her legal name), Facebook wouldn't let her and said she needed to provide proof even though it was legally her name, just written in English letters instead of korean letters. So yeah, Facebook is definitely cracking down on you using your legal names

@LissyLoo, I love all your ideas! Thanks for showing me how this can be a fun transition. It sounds like you have a great group of friends, too.

@AdventuresofRuth: I think it only happens when they get a complaint, at which point they require you to show legal identification. It's been surprisingly common among my friends, though. And it's been a particular problem for vulnerable people. For example, a lot of trans people have been targeted for using their new name, if the old one hasn't yet been changed legally. Women who have been the target of domestic abuse often use fake names to avoid letting their abusers know where they are, but they have been targeted, too. Or just people who write controversial things, and get death threats. It's a big problem on Facebook.

It doesn't only happen when you get a complaint. See my comment above

@2d Bride, I had no idea! That's awful. I can't believe they target such vulnerable people. I'm going to have to learn more about that.

It just sounds super complicated to me. You can legally hyphenate and still publish in your maiden name. And if you end up deciding to change it down the line, it will cost more then than if you do it right after you get married, at least in my state. Just change your name to the name you want to be called. You'll save yourself a lot of stress.

If you keep both names or some combination of names, just please be graceful when people call you by a wrong name, as they will almost definitely be confused if they see your name as different things in different places.

I will probably change my name, but FMIL did not change hers, nor did FH's SIL, so I would be the only lady on the family to officially take the men's last name when marrying in. Neither of them are bothered if someone calls them Mrs. HisName, and both occasionally sign things that way (for example, sending a card to a distant relative who may not recognize the woman's maiden name).

@FutureMrsR, You're certainly right about the complication. We're just not ready to make that kind of commitment to changing our names yet. What if we decide we don't like it hyphenated? We have long, ethic names and that is a very real possibility.

@Stephanie, thank you for the advice ... after a lifetime of correcting people on the spelling/pronunciation of both my first and last names, I can't imagine that this will be much worse!

@LissyLoo we are all about the combo name (six syllables of hyphenation struck me as a bit much) so I love hearing that you have friends with positive experiences!

I wouldn't expect the FB thing to be a problem. As others have said, the cases where I've seen folks challenged/asked to present documents are when it's the same name as a celebrity (there was a news article about a girl named Kate Middleton who kept getting her profile deactivated around the time of the royal wedding) or a concern about identity theft/catfishing based on activity. In other words, I don't think it would be a problem in this case.

I'm toying with the thought of this, as I kept my married name when I got divorced (it was easier because we had children with the same last name). Now that I'm marrying my FH, I am torn between changing my name, and if so would only change it socially. I've built my professional career using my current (ex-husband's) last name, and I'm only about 5 years from retirement. However, I've answered to "Mrs. FH's LastName" in situations already (when FH underwent surgery), and haven't bothered to correct anyone. I've not even asked FH about this - we still have 7 months or more to think about it.

RE: Facebook names - I had NO idea! I have folks on my list who aren't even using their real name (spelling out their initials phonetically - similar to Oh Em Gee instead of OMG).