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Just Said Yes February 2020

Soap opera: is It okay to ask my fiancé to choose someone else as a groomsmen?

S733, on January 13, 2020 at 3:33 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16

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Long story:
My fiancé would like to ask one of his friends to be a groomsmen and I feel awful telling him no, please, consider someone else.

There’s a long history of tension between me and his friend. From when he first said to other friends that I had “stolen away” my fiancé to making passive-aggressive comments and behaviors over many years and almost always out of my fiancé’s sight. When my fiancé and I broke up for a few years, the friend was there for him and I appreciate that. Although, at a personally petty thought level on my part, I’m sure the friend couldn’t wait to see me out of the picture. Regardless, after getting back together, we’d see him every now and then and I was fine being cordial and even friendly at times.
But this friend’s remarks to me at his own wedding was the last straw for me. During this friend’s own wedding, he managed to corner me three times to ask why there is tension between us, even after I told him it was awkward and asked him to enjoy his own wedding because it was not the time to talk about it (I didn’t want to be dishonest about my feelings but I didn’t want to risk upsetting him and potentially ruining his wedding; I liked his wife a lot). During one of his attempts to talk to me, after he asked why I didn’t like him, he whispered “I know your secret” and when I asked what he was referring to, he mentioned something that he had no privilege knowing (something my fiancé had drunkenly said to him shortly after we had broken up). Straight up, with what looks like a smirk on his face.

I had a conversation with my fiancé about what had happened and he has not spoken to his friend about it. My fiancé wants to have meeting between the three of us and discuss what happened and if we could bury all the old stuff. I refused at first because I was so disgusted with the friends behaviors but I don’t mind meeting now. To me, even if he apologizes, I still won’t want him in the wedding party. He’s invited to the wedding and I feel that is me meeting my fiancé half-way.

Even after this disturbing exchange during his wedding, when we started planning our wedding (although I truly do not want him there) I put the friend on the invite list without hesitation because they were still friends after all. I’m still afraid he’ll give a speech along the lines of “I know you don’t like me but...” and try to make jabs at me at my own wedding. I’ll manage.
To make matters worst, although this friend thinks that I don’t like him, he has been repeatedly asking my fiancé to be in the wedding party. I know part of it is because he is very fond of my fiancé and wants to be his best friend but I can’t help to think that part of it is also to get at me.
I understand I’m putting my fiancé in a tough spot and typically I should have no say in who he chooses. And maybe I’m selfish and that is my flaw so I should check myself. And maybe some of you will ask why he’s even friends with a person who treats me like this nonetheless tries to use information he knows as some kind of low-key “blackmail” or inflict fear that my reputation would be ruined.

The situation is so severely complicated and yes, it’s a problem beyond just the wedding, I know. We are seeking pre-marital counseling but I would still really appreciate other’s insight.
P.S. the big secret is: when we were much younger, we eloped as young adults (not even our families know) - enough information for another story.
Thanks for still being here.

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16 Comments

Latest activity by KAREN, on January 15, 2020 at 3:11 PM

Champion June 2019
Gen · on January 13, 2020 at 3:35 PM
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I think it’s totally reasonable of you to not want this man as a groomsman... I wouldn’t want him at the wedding at all
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 13, 2020 at 3:52 PM
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Well for one are you still married? Because if you are then you can't have a legal wedding anyways. The fact that you are hiding this from your family is wrong. While you might not like this friend, he is clearly important to your fiance/husband. He was there for him when you guys split. Your fiance/husband is the one that told him you got married so if there is anyone you should be mad at about that it is your fiance/husband. Not sure why it was such a big secret, but secrets have a tendency of coming out.
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Master January 2015
null · on January 13, 2020 at 4:02 PM
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I'm glad to hear that the two of you are seeking pre-marital counseling for this issue. It's very concerning to me that your fiancé is friends with someone who has treated you this way, let alone want them to be in the wedding party. I think the real issue isn't whether or not this person should be in the wedding party, but why your fiance tolerates someone treating you poorly and continues to be friends with them. My FH wouldn't sit quietly or tolerate anyone treating me poorly, whether it be his friends, his family, or my own family.
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Super March 2020
Jennifer · on January 13, 2020 at 4:02 PM
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I understand not wanting him there if you are worried about your "secret" coming out. i am kind of curious as to why this is still a secret though. Anyway, this is your husband's wedding as much as it is yours. I think he should be able to have whomever wants standing next to him. The friend found a secret, it is not like he physically harmed you. And with that said, I would also start telling family the truth. Heaven forbid he does say something, you will have a ton of people upset at you on the big day. My guess is, he would be the least of your worried at that point.
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Super March 2020
Desiree · on January 13, 2020 at 4:48 PM
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I need to give you props for letting this man be there at all. I agree, one of my flaws is being selfish and sometimes needing to get my way, but this isn't along those same lines. This man is being terrible to you, and very intimidating. This is someone who is going to be there on the biggest day of your life, and not only that, but be a part of EVERY day leading up to it. That's sacrificing a whole lot if he's tormenting you in the mean time.
I wouldn't allow him into the bridal party, to the best of my ability anyways. But him being a guest is meeting your husband half way. Props to you for handling this so well.
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Just Said Yes February 2020
S733 · on January 13, 2020 at 5:14 PM
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Thank you for your perspective.
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Just Said Yes February 2020
S733 · on January 13, 2020 at 5:17 PM
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Thanks for speaking your mind but also, for addressing my concerns
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Just Said Yes February 2020
S733 · on January 13, 2020 at 5:18 PM
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Amber,
I find it odd as well because he is typically not to type to sit back. I guess that’s what the pm counseling will be for.
Thanks so much.
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Just Said Yes February 2020
S733 · on January 13, 2020 at 5:28 PM
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I wouldn’t be shock if he mentions it by “accident” in front of everyone but that’s not why I wouldn’t want him there. He is of course, invited to the wedding. i don’t mind anyone knowing at this point. I didn’t appreciate him saying it to me as if I should be intimated. It came off ill-intentioned. And it showed me a little more of who he is as a person.
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Just Said Yes February 2020
S733 · on January 13, 2020 at 5:30 PM
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Honestly,
You get it.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on January 14, 2020 at 3:11 PM
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The friend sounds like an awful person, and I don't think it is beyond reason for you to ask FH to not include him in your bridal party.
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Just Said Yes February 2020
S733 · on January 14, 2020 at 9:28 PM
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I don’t think so either. He’s hesitation makes me feel selfish and guilty but I know I shouldn’t be. It’s been such a dilemma. Thanks for your support.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on January 15, 2020 at 1:13 PM
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Of course! And no, don't feel guilty!
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Savvy November 2020
Alexa · on January 15, 2020 at 2:01 PM
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Okay, I would NOT want this guy in my wedding and your fiance should honestly understand where you are coming from and respect how you feel. It comes to a point in your life where you are now going to be his WIFE. Not a friend, not a girlfriend. You are building your lives together and you should ALWAYS come before anyone.
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Expert February 2020
Tanyia · on January 15, 2020 at 2:35 PM
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To play the devil's advocate, there wasn't a problem with your FH being friends with him, so why is it an issue now -- for him to be a groomsman? Why go to his wedding? If you didnt like him - -or have a problem with him, why tolerate him. I personally wouldn't want this dude around, period. It's inevitable that he would be a choice for a groomsman - you have tolerated him, so FH prob thinks it's ok.
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Dedicated October 2019
KAREN · on January 15, 2020 at 3:11 PM
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My bff's now husband and I did not like each other. At all. IT was very clear to anyone within 500 miles that we didn't like each other. And I know he wasn't pleased that I was there (let alone the MOH) because he didn't say a word to me at any of the events (shower, rehearsal or wedding), but we've actually wound up becoming pretty polite, and sometimes downright friendly, with each other over the last few years.

Long story short, I can get why you wouldn't want him in the party, but it is your husband's choice. You've mentioned to him how you feel, right? If he still chooses for him to be in the party, it means that he REALLY wants him there. Marriage is about compromise and being supportive. Let him be in the bridal party, but make it clear to your husband that you definitely do not want him making any speeches (you definitely have a right to dictate that). As long as he's not the best man, it's pretty easy to say "well only the MOH and Best Man are making speeches."

This is your husband's very good friend who has been there, it seems like possibly, longer than you. Your husband has every right to ask him in my eyes, but with stipulation.

Mine wanted to invite a friend of his that I don't like and I told him "go ahead" because it made him happy.
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