So Unsure

I don't think you're being selfish for not wanting to move your date! i would look at what the other options are in terms of dates possible but to be honest i would just leave the date as is.

WOW, what a dilemma. Does "fall" mean October? Can it be September? Did your fiancee talk to his brother and ask him to move dates? I think if you have to consider the option of moving dates, then so should he. It's only fair (IMO). My FH's ex-wife caused a GIANT stink over our chosen date and the one thing I refused to do was give up our date. It was a very long, well thought out date with a lot of significance (long story short, we had to pick our date which would coincide with his son's schedule, not interfere with holidays, or worst - his 1st wedding date).

I feel your frustration. I think you should truly express your feelings to your FH and ask him to talk to his brother to express your feelings.

I totally understand not wanting to give up your date and I don’t think you should have to. But as a person with 3 brothers I can’t imagine asking family to travel twice in two weeks. How does he feel about changing his date? I think some compromise is fair. I thought fall was nice but would have been happy with any month in the end because my main focus was getting married to my husband.

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His brother and his fiancee just bought a house so his brother thought they would wait to have the wedding until 2022 so they had more time to save up money. Apparently that's not the case. His fiancee told him she doesn't want a long engagement like he assumed. She also told him she wants a fall wedding too. Their venue has very limited dates available. His brother said they have the October date which is two weeks after our wedding, one date in November and two in December. His fiancee doesn't want a wedding in the winter so that would eliminate the November and December dates. I am not sure if our venue has any dates available in September. We had only told them we wanted October when we contacted them.

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Your wedding date is first. I'd stick with it. Let them change it. It's OK to be selfish sometimes.

That isn't a long engagement for them - it's about normal. If they wanted a long engagement, wouldn't they be looking at 2022? Just my opinion - fall 2021 isn't far away at all.

I think compromise needs to happen on both sides - they can't just say "this is the date they have, we're booking it, you need to move." And this far in advance, the family *could* plan to do that travel, worse things have happened. Maybe reach out to the parents and see what they think?

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His brother's fiancee doesn't seem willing to move the date either because she really loves the venue and the venue has very limited dates available. I definitely understand that the main focus is getting married to my fiance, but I would also like to have the wedding I have been imaging for years.

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My fiance and his brother talked before they both proposed. At the time, my fiance's brother said he didn't want to get married until 2022. He said he wasn't in any kind of race or anything. On the other hand, my fiance and I want to start a family so we wanted to get married sooner. After his brother proposed, his fiancee said she doesn't want a long engagement so 2022 wasn't an option. I feel like my fiance should probably be the one to talk to his family about it since his family would be the ones most impacted by the decision, but I don't think my fiance is going to want to put his family in the position where they have to travel to two weddings within two weeks.

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That's all totally reasonable. I think the best thing to do here is to talk to the parents and see what they say. They may say it's totally okay to do that travel if it makes everyone happy, and they may not. My parents and my dad's brother had a similar timing situation and the parents just said "we want you to be happy, do what you want!" I think talking always makes things more clear, even if it's awkward.

I feel for you in this situation. I completely understand wanting to be considerate to those attending, but on the other hand I refuse to plan my wedding around anyone else and their schedules. Remember that this is your day and that it's about you and your FH. Of course, your goal isn't to upset anyone but I don't think you should have to change something that important to you just to satisfy others. Now if your open and willing to compromise, then I think it's only fair that your future brother in law should do so as well. However, satisfying and making things convenient for everyone else is not the answer if it leaves you unhappy.

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Each couple has equally valid reasons for choosing a wedding date. It doesn't matter at this point that originally the other couple discussed having a longer engagement. There's not really any true compromise here because one of you would "win" and the other "lose."

So I think you just keep an open line of communication with all the VIPs and then, in the end, just make your choice and stick with it.

If you can't or won't move your date then you will have to accept that some mutual family members might have to choose one wedding over the other. And the other couple will have to accept the same.

Why not have dinner - both engaged couples- and look at dates. I’d say a month apart would be good. Early November and late September are great alternatives.

I had a very similar experience that you had, except that my future brother in law proposed to his now fiancee 5 months after my FH and I got engaged and set our date, and they still chose a date three weeks before ours. She apparently wanted to get married before us, and I guess was not really happy that my fiance proposed to me before hers asked her.

My FH was actually really upset when they chose their date, and they also have family out of state that we knew would not want to travel to two weddings within a month of each other so we moved our wedding forward, which I was fine with because I wanted to get married sooner.

I understand why you don't want to change your date, and I don't think you're being selfish! It actually sounds like your future bro in law's fiancee is being the selfish one--saying SHE didn't want a long engagement even though he did. My question is did they even talk about when they wanted to get married if he assumed it wouldn't be until 2022? My FH and I at least talked about the year we wanted to be married in.

I feel like your future bro in law should have a talk with his future wife, and I don't think you should move the date unless it can benefit you guys in some way.

I think whoever books their venue first gets the wedding date. It sucks that it has come to this, but it doesn't sound like anyone is willing to compromise. The other option is you get married 2 weeks apart and whoever can come comes, whoever can't doesn't.

I think you, your fiance, his brother & his fiancee and your future in-laws need to have a sit down to discuss this because it's unfair to demand someone change their date when one couple doesn't seem to be on the same page. I'd ask why didn't his brother and his fiancee discuss this before? Why do you have to suffer from their indecisiveness? Maybe both can come up with a compromise? My younger brother and I are getting married a month apart next year (he's June and I'm July) so maybe this can be a topic when you all talk about this? Also ask their parents their opinion on this and talk about whether they'd be willing to travel within 2 weeks if there is no compromise.

I think you should talk it over between your FH and the other couple. I don't think you're being selfish. I'd be very upset if I went through the work to make sure people were available for a date I picked and then someone close to me or FH came and said "no I need you to move your date because even though I said my engagement would be on the long side, my FW wanted a shorter one. And this is the ONLY date our venue has" I'd be upset.

Did they mention anything about the date possibly being a problem when you originally asked them about it? Maybe I'm just paranoid, (due to some selfish family members) but, it almost sounds like your the brother told his FW didn't like that you were getting married the same season as she wanted. If when you were asking about it, they were on the fence about the date, then maybe it's all innocent. However, if they were like "yeah that date is fine" and then change almost at the last minute, it sounds sketchy. Just my two cents.