This is kinda long.
So, we're having a small wedding. Immediate family, grandparents, a few close friends. It is what we want, it is not a situation where family offering to pay for things to have more people is an option. We want a small wedding.
We told my parents and they love it, no issues. We told FHs and his mom was fine, his dad was a little confused but has been so great with it all. They asked that we have a potluck after that they will cover financially that is open to more of the community. We were fine with that. Sure, why not. It isn't what we want, a lot of this is to avoid having to plan something crazy and the hassles that come with that, but if they're handling it then it's all good.
My grandmother got word that we were doing a small wedding and was super upset. Told me I'm tearing my family apart because I'm not inviting my uncle across the country I've met maybe four times. From what I know, he is a pretty chill guy. I did not discuss things about the potluck with many people because it was so early and I know things change, but with my grandma going to everyone in the family and complaining (many people called me and told me I needed to handle her) I knew I had to call him before she got to him. I told him it was a small, intimate wedding and we were having an extremely casual potluck a month later, gave him the date, told him it was very casual and he absolutely doesn't have to come (he has 4 kids so it's a lot of $ to get out here, but he's very well off) but we would love to see him and get the family together the next day if he would like. He was super chill, said sounds good, see you then, we'll just vacation that week in philly. Told my grandma that I called him and he was cool with it and she calmed down.
Well, it's about a month after all that and in planning the potluck, I'd run into a few issues. How do we let people know how casual this is so out of town family isnt disappointed when they get here? How do we keep cost down for this thing? Do we have something after with just extended family invited? Will this whole thing be more of an issue then a solution? How do we make sure people know we mean it when we say don't bring gifts, we don't want people to think this is some second party as a money grab. The venue doesn't allow drinks because it's a church, but what if people bring drinks because it's a potluck? We want drinks, but can't find a venue at a reasonable price that will allow them, are people going to resent our weird casual alcohol free party?
After thinking about it more, FHs parents said if we didn't want to, we didn't have to do the potluck. Said they thought about it and that sort of thing is really for if you are introducing your SO to people they haven't met yet or something after a small ceremony, and we've already met eachothers random extended family. Really threw us for a loop, FHs dad seemed so sad we we'rehaving something small it wasn't at all a thought in our minds that he would ever say to not have the bigger party.
What's the best thing to do? Do we throw the $1-2k party we don't want to appease my uncle I've met a few times? Should I call him immediately and apologize for the inconvenience so he can adjust his summer? Do people by plane tickets a year out, I would hate it if he already had, I would definitely just throw the thing if that was the case but I feel like he'd feel awkward if I called to tell him it was cancelled and then uncancelled it after he told me he got tickets. I just wish I'd never called him so early, I feel so immature for calling him before things were absolutely set in stone, but my grandmother was going absolutely crazy, I was worried she would call him first and twist the story, and FHs dad seemed extremely set on the pot luck. Ah!
