Small Service for Dying Dad

You can do the hand fasting or make it a simple declaration ceremony. Share your vows if you are writing them. Or, you can have someone marry you but not be officially ordained so it won’t technically be legal. I’m sorry you have to go through this in this way.

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I really like the idea of doing an unofficial wedding. Handfasting is lovely. You could also read letters to each other or have someone read a poem.

My recommendation would be for you to think about what is most important to you. Once he passes, what memories would you like to hold onto? Walking you down the aisle, dancing with you, giving a toast, etc. Focus on those things. I hope this works out for you. Wishing you and your family peace.

I am so sorry....My other died when I was 7 months pregnant. She was given a limited amount of time and fought so hard to remain until her grand baby arrive however that did not happen. Go ahead and have a ceremony, perhaps a hand fasting, until ceremony, or something similar will help. I know there is a company that uses glass for a unity ceremony. Whoever you wish to be involved places their glass beads into a container, the container is then set to the artist, who then makes it into whatever you want it to be. A plate, vase, paperweight, plus other options. Perhaps having this and having not only his parents but your parents place the glass together as incorporating both families. This way when unfortunately he is no longer here you will have apiece of him with you and to display. The company is called Unity in Glass. They are not inexpensive but as I have lost my mother, I would find he money to be able to have something that she helped me create. I wish you luck!

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That is a really great idea! Thank you!

We are also thinking about having our "father/daughter dance" underneath the oak tree on our property (same place my fiance proposed) and having my step-mom film it. This is dependent upon if my dad has another good day, but I go up to see him every weekend so chances are that he will. We were going to have this projected along with a photo montage during the first dance if my dad does make it to the ceremony, but can't physically dance. If he is gone by then, I honestly don't think I can play it in place of the first dance because I will be an absolute mess. It would however be a really nice thing to have when I'm able to watch it down the road.

The dance is what is most important to me - that may be a nice way to do it rather than an actual ceremony. We are also planning a memorial table and empty seat at the wedding with his cowboy hat on it. I won't be able to look at it or I'll lose it, but it's a good way to honor him.

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Thank you! This is a huge help. I really think the dance is what is most important to me. If he is not there, I'm prepared to walk down the isle alone - that isn't as much of an issue for me because I'll be walking up to my love, but the dance is the one thing I don't want to miss.

My heart goes out to you...I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your plans and reasons for doing so sound wonderful.

I saw your response and I wish I could tell you that time will ease the pain. At first everything will remind you of him, then after a while less things will. You will have good days and bad days. When my oldest got married 10 years ago I was a mess, (my mom had been deceased for 20 years) it was difficult. My daughter carried a small picture frame of her grandmother in her bouquet. She covered the african violet memorial tattoo for her grandmother covered for ceremony and uncovered it for the reception. We had a empty chair with a single white rose on it in her memory. My mom died 2 months before my youngest was born. My youngest will be 28. I still have bad days....I often think if how she would have loved all of her great grandkids, etc. The great part though is all the little things that you two have shared become way more special, meaningful, and honestly if you can afford a videographer I would hire them. That was you will be able to capture his spirit, mannerisms, look, etc to be able to pass on to your children and grandchildren about their special grandfather. I wish you luck and am sending prayers for you dad!

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Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I'm so grateful that he's been a part of the planning process so far. It's really meant a lot to both of us. I love the idea of a framed photo in the bouquet, I may add that if he doesn't make it. I'm also incredibly lucky to have the man I have in my life. He knew how important it was to me to have my Dad be a part of everything so he asked for his permission to marry me and even proposed at the ranch in front of him. That way if he doesn't make it to the actual wedding, he's still been a huge part of it.

First I am so sorry you're going through this. I definitely recommend doing some sort of ceremony with him while you still can. My fiancée's father passed away about 3 weeks ago and we are getting married in July. It's so hard to think about our wedding day without him and I often wish we would have done it sooner so he could have been a part of our day.

View Quoted Comment I think this is the best option. I also think it's important that you talk to him and let him know that you don't want him to suffer incredible pain just to make it to your wedding day. I lost my mom 4 years ago and my fiance has lost both his parents. Its going to be incredibly difficult not having them with us the day of our wedding but we know that they would be so proud of us. We are doing reserved seats for each of them at the ceremony and honestly I'm worried that my finance will struggle with seeing them as his mom's death is fairly recent. Hang in there, there's nothing easy about your situation.

Thank you everyone for the help.

Rj923 - I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine losing one parent let alone a few. We are going to have the open seat as well, but sadly my Dad took a turn for the worse last night and fell. Given his size (he's 6'4) my step-mom couldn't get him up so he slept on the tile in our hallway last night until a neighbor came over at 6am to help. I can't let my Dad keep up like this. He is a very prideful man and I know how much this situation is taking out of him. It's selfish for me to want him to hang on. I am definitely going to have a talk with him so he knows he doesn't need to hang on for this day. I believe he'll be with me either way and I don't want him suffering like this.

I'm still looking for other small ceremony suggestions if anyone has one. I think we're going to need to go that route sooner rather than later. His legs are too weak for him to get around so even dancing under the oak tree on a good day may be out.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

If you don't want it to be "official" I'd have immediate family (from both sides) at your home. And depending on his ability to talk, why not let him officiate a ceremony for you guys or a different family member. It could be like practice for the big day but your dad would be the one speaking. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time when its actually supposed to be one of the happiest times. Sending good vibes to you and your family. I think its so nice and unselfish of you to want to do something before hand, in case he needs to "let go" Bless you and your family.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I can share your pain. My dad was also very sick and unfortunately things took a turn for the worse and he died 10 days before my wedding....a funeral and wedding in the same week was atrocious.

These illnesses can change very unexpectedly (for the good or bad) so my advice is to ask you dad what he wants and follow through his wishes. My dad just wanted me to go ahead with the wedding as if he was still there, and that's what I did. Try and make some good memories of him while he still alive and don't think too forward.

My my thoughts are with you

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Oh no! How did you do it? Did you get through the ceremony and reception OK or was it a really somber event? I'm afraid that is going to happen and there is so much behind the father/daughter relationship in a wedding - I can't imagine feeling his loss so fresh on your wedding day. I'm sorry you went through that!

That is what I'm going to do - instead of spending all of this time worrying about him being a part of it. I'll just ask him flat out if he'd like us to do something with him at the ranch since I know he is so sick. We've had a lot of very candid conversations since he was given a time frame and they all bring us closer. I'm sure this will be another. Again - I can't believe you went through that and I'm so so sorry. Thank you for sharing it with me.

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Hi BridesofLockwood,

Thank you for your condolences. Tbh, I am not sure how I went through with it. He was sick for a long time, so like you, I knew in a very small part at the back of my mind that there was a possibility it wasn't going to be. Perhaps in doing that, I was already (unwittingly) preparing myself for my worst nightmare to come true.. my family and I spent a lot of time with him in the last 2 weeks (when he was in hospital) and the nurses and doctors were very honest with us about the outcome and how he would go, so I think in those 2 weeks is when I processed everything. by the time my wedding came, I just remembered how happy my dad would've been if he was there & it certainly felt like he was there in some non-physical form. we also had the celebrant announce before the ceremony for none of the guests to ask any questions etc to myself or my family as it is often the pity, condolences and "hope you are ok" messages that get me upset.

I hope you spend as much time with your dad as possible and I really hope and pray that you will not end up in the same position that I was. I know it is so much harder in reality, but try not to mourn his loss when he is still alive. I think I was grieving for my dad in his last 6 months, and although that meant i had processed a lot of grief already, I still know that I wasn't always happy or in the moment with him when he was alive as I was constantly worrying about him. Take some time to look after yourself and your family, and spend some time doing things that make you happy. unfortunately, death is part of life and ive learned that the sooner we can reconcile with letting people go, the more individual satisfiaction you will receive from your own life - it really is all about seizing the day. good luck - im thinking of you and your family xx

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That is such amazing advice and you hit it on the head. Thank You! I've been grieving his death ever since we were told he had 6 months to live rather than just enjoying the time. I see him every weekend and we have a great time visiting when he is able, but I usually cry on the way home and when he has a bad day, it affects me for days after. I've never shed so many tears, but at the same time - I do feel like I've prepared myself for the worst. A lot of family members have stepped up in the last week to say they'll walk me down the isle if he's not there, but honestly I would rather walk by myself. I know I'll feel him there and in a sense he'll be walking with me even if he isn't physically there.

Having the officiant make a statement before the ceremony is a great idea. If my Dad does pass before the big day, having people constantly give their condolences would break my heart and make it a combined memorial/wedding. I can't do that. Losing my Dad is going to be the hardest thing I've dealt with so far - we are SO close and everyone knows that. It will definitely be a huge elephant in the room, but it'd be better just to not talk about it. His seat will be empty with his hat and there will be a small memorial table with his boots, hat, and a photo of us but we don't need to talk about it all night.

Hopefully that isn't the case and he makes it, but with the way he's going right now - 2.5 months is a LONG ways away.

View Quoted Comment Oh, I was exactly the same! I would visit him and my mum every weekend and be strong in front of him and then immediately tear up on the car ride home. This was especially the case on days where the pain was excruciating for him (he had bone fractures from the cancer). I can 100% sympathise with you and know what you are going through. I am sorry, I think I cried more when he was alive and sick then when he passed... My dad was in so much pain from his illness but in the end the doctors made sure he went absolutely pain free and peacefully. I think this helped me with closure because his quality of life was diminishing and I felt selfish wanting him to stay on this earth when he was feeling so awful. I don't want to scare you, but I want to be realistic and honest with you. I know this will be painful for you to hear... When the time for your dad to pass, please have a conversation with the hospital to make sure he goes painlessly and in peace. It is a much more dignified way to die. The nurses at the ICU told me how some people die with pain, kicking and screaming... I don't think anybody wants this for their loved ones...

On a side note, had such little enjoyment in planning my wedding too, as so much grief was consuming me already. I'm sure you feel this way too but try and organise as much as you can and do all the traditional things that you want to do. I didn't even have a bridal shower or hens because I was so depressed about everything and in hindsight, I think one of those would've helped me connect to my wedding and excitement a bit more.

i ended up walking down the aisle myself - like you, if it wasn't my dad then I didn't want anybody to take his place. I went on etsy and bought a little "bouqet charm" where I put a picture of my dad in it and bound it to my bouquet. So I was walking down with him.. I honestly hope you don't need to do this, but seeing his picture on the charm as I walked down gave me strength.

I really hope your dad is well enough to be at your wedding. its such an awful predicament, I understand but i promise you, that whatever happens you will still enjoy your big day and everybody will be so happy for you and your new husband. I remember wanting to cancel the wedding when we knew he wasn't going to make it and making irrational decisions... But it was literally my dad dying wish for me to have a happy wedding day. And with his blessing, I did. If something does happen, there is some inner strength you'll find to carry on and make the day special. You don't want to look back at your wedding pictures in 10 years time and see sad faces - smile because that's exactly what your dad wants.

My Dad was put on hospice care shortly after I started this thread. He took a turn for the worst last week and I have been helping to care for him since Friday. It's a matter of days, maybe hours at this point. He's been pretty much incoherent since Friday besides puckering for kisses, mumbling that he loves me, and randomly wanting an English muffin on Sunday which I happily made for him. I've been by his side every moment he's been awake since then and as hard as it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. My heart is broken that he won't be at the wedding, but I'm finding solace in the comments and stories that everyone shared. Thank you