We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

J
Savvy December 2021

Sister's Demands

Jenna, on December 22, 2020 at 9:43 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
Saved Save
Reply

My sister has recently tried to make two different demands for our wedding or she says she will drop out. The first one is that she wants her step-son to be allowed to attend. We are having a child free wedding except for my fiancé's two nieces and one nephew who are in the wedding. She is trying to argue that the her husband only gets to see his son on weekends so he would have to give up seeing his son to attend the wedding. However, the wedding is only an hour from their apartment so I'm not sure why he'd have to give up his entire weekend with his son. Her other argument is that we should make him a ring bearer. But we barely know her step-son. My sister married his father after only a year of dating and they have only been married a few months. We live in another state so I've only met the step-son a handful of times whereas my fiancé and I are very close to his nieces and nephew. The second demand is that my entire family delete her ex-fiancé from Facebook. They dated for over four years and he lived our with family during most of that time so we are all very close to him. Two years ago, they had a terrible break up where she kicked him out of their apartment and he nowhere to live, she stole his money, and she cheated on him so during the breakup my parents offered him a temporary place to stay because he had nowhere to go and they didn't want to see him living on the streets. My sister felt everyone was against her, but being that he was like another child to my parents and another sibling to my brother and I it was very difficult to turn our backs on him after everything she put him through. Months later she tried to get back together with him, but after everything she put him through he said he wasn't willing to get back together, but he said they could stay friends, but she was livid he refused to get back together with her. She started demanding a month ago that we delete him on Facebook. The day she brought it up was when his mom passed away. My sister still talks to his younger sister on a regular basis so his sister told my sister their mom died so my mom reached out offering condolences and my sister lost it on my mom and told her we needed to delete him immediately. Needless to say, none of us did because he was experiencing a very upsetting situation with his mom suddenly dying. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle her two demands?

21 Comments

Latest activity by CountryBride, on December 24, 2020 at 5:36 PM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    The only way to handle her demands is just to let her know that at the end of the day your fiance and you will do the wedding as you want to. You understand the importance of her boyfriend spending time with his stepson so you will completely understand if he is not able to attend the wedding. However you don't have a close relationship with her stepson and you both had decided to have a child free wedding so that would not be fair to allow him to come and more importantly you personally don't feel comfortable making him a ring bearer. I'm not trying to cause an issue between you and your sister but I don't feel like it's fair that she makes demands for what it's not her day as I don't think she would take well to you making demands for her wedding. I think you just may need to tell her no to what she's asking and why you would love for her as your sister to be there on an important day of your life you will understand if she chooses not to go. You're not telling her she can't come but you're telling her that it is up to her she chooses to attend and I feel like hopefully your family will understand your side and if they don't that's the downside with weddings' of people feel like they can tell you what to do. I personally think you need to stand your ground and tell her no and that you hope that she'll put that aside for her to be there for your special day.
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    It sounds like your sister is holding your wedding for ransom. And you know the old saying... “do not negotiate with terrorists”. Her demands are ridiculous, short sighted and incredibly selfish. Personally, I would shut that down immediately. I would make it very clear that, although I loved her and would love for her to want to be a supportive member of my wedding party, I will not under any circumstances be bullied into adding strangers into my wedding or deleting a person from my life that I care about and who has done nothing wrong to me. If she chooses to remove herself from your wedding party simply because you stood up for yourself, then that’s on her. If you give in to these demands, there will likely be more demands and drama from her later, once she realizes all she has to do is threaten to drop out of the wedding in order to get what she wants. Better to handle it now. So sorry you have to deal with this. It’s really selfish and unfair of her to put you in that situation.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    You need to tell her she has no standing to set any conditions for anything at your wedding. She marks the RSVP I will attend / I will not attend. Everything else is up to the hosts, you. You are not negotiating for any reason at all. Done. ....
    And her ex is a person in hos own right. She may eliminate him from her life. But she has absolutely no right to interfere with the relationships others have with him. And has no control over what others write on Facebook. If she does not wish to read things about him, click off .
    Why would you want someone like this at your wedding? If she says, I won't come... jump in and say, Promise, promise us you won't come. Sharing a bloodline is no reason to accept this social garbage from anyone.
    • Reply
  • Tone
    Devoted July 2021
    Tone ·
    • Flag
    If she refuses to be in the wedding unless you comply to her every whim, don’t let her be in the wedding. Its your wedding and your choices, her opinions don’t really matter. It also sounds like if you cut her from the wedding your family will agree since she’s already asking them to do something they’re not comfortable with. I suggest you hold your ground and tell her if she doesn’t want to be in the wedding she doesn’t have to be. You offered, and that was enough.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Absolutely do not cater to her demands. Who’s wedding is it anyway? It’s your wedding, you & your fiancé decide on the vision of it. She’s not paying for it so she can’t decide on who’s going to be in it. As far as the death of his mother, how can a person be so heartless?
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Master October 2022
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag
    Stand your ground. Stick to your plans and let her know its not up for discussion.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    Oh dear! I agree with all the previous posters. Don't give in to her demands.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
    • Flag
    I didn’t even read all of what you wrote lol but I would recommend you do your wedding exactly how you want it! That is the best piece of advice on the wedding market these days lol otherwise you’ll have regrets like the majority of brides.
    • Reply
  • Chantelle
    Devoted October 2021
    Chantelle ·
    • Flag
    Literally everything what everyone else said is spot on. Do not give into your sister. Stand your ground!
    • Reply
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    She is horribly toxic and controlling. I am sorry to say this, but your wedding may be better off without her


    Don't give into a single demand
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    While I agree with PPs for the most part, and your sister does seem like a controlling narcissist, I do think that her stepson should be invited to the wedding. I'm sure it's a huge adjustment to him that his dad married into a family that he hardly knows in such a short period of time. For me, at least, it would be very important that he was treated like any of my other nieces or nephews. If your FH's nieces and nephews will be invited, your new nephew shouldn't be excluded because of his step mom's actions.

    • Reply
  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
    • Flag

    Your sister sounds like a terrible, terrible person. Why do you even speak to her?

    I wouldn't be having her in my wedding, I probably wouldn't talk to her actually. If you insist on having her there, hire security for your gifts because she will probably try to steal them.

    Also, "no" is a complete sentence, and you should use it to answer her demands.

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy December 2021
    Jenna ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    The only way I could see us including the step-son without other guests questioning it is if he was in the wedding like my fiancé's nieces and nephews are. Otherwise, guests might wonder why we are allowing him to attend, but not other children. Neither of us are comfortable including a child we don't know in our wedding. Also, I should have noted that his nieces and nephews are only staying for the ceremony. After the ceremony, they will be going with a babysitter so they will not be at the reception. This was a decision the children's parents made so my sister's step-son would literally be the only child at the reception.

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy December 2021
    Jenna ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We didn't speak for a long time after she broke up with her ex-fiancé.

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy December 2021
    Jenna ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I was absolutely stunned when she tried telling our family we needed to delete him from Facebook on the day his mom passed away. I have no idea how she could be so cruel.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Super August 2021
    Katie Online ·
    • Flag
    I may not have the best advice because I'm very bold and just don't give a....... But if she was my sister I'd probably tell her off and uninvite her to the wedding. You don't need that kind of bs in your life regardless of being blood related. She has ridiculous demands for a wedding that isn't hers and the way she sounds with how she f**ked over her ex she sounds like a horrible person, Sorry. But you should set her straight.
    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    First of all, this is your wedding, right? Not hers? Ok, then the answer is simple: she doesn't get to make ANY demands. She's threatening to boycott the whole thing unless her demands are met? OH WELL!!

    As to the first demand: you've clearly stated your reasons for only having a few kids at the wedding. This is non-negotiable. You and your FH decided what you wanted, and she can live with it, or not attend. You are correct, there is no reason her man has to miss his entire weekend with his son because of attending your wedding. She's being overly dramatic in an attempt to get you to cave. Nope.

    As to the second demand: it really has nothing at all to do with your wedding. Your sister doesn't get to dictate who you (or anyone else in the family) are friends with, who you talk to, or who you care about. The fact that she's trying to attach this demand to your wedding is really awful.

    My response to her would be: I'm sorry you feel that way, your presence will be missed. Hopefully we can get together after the wedding and catch up.

    There. Problem solved.

    This is your wedding. Don't let her make it about her. Don't give that crap any energy.

    • Reply
  • MLS
    Dedicated September 2021
    MLS ·
    • Flag

    If she wants to act that way, that's on her. It's not about her.

    As many others have said: "No". that's all that needs to be said. If my brother acted this way, it would be the same.

    • Reply
  • Alexa
    Dedicated October 2022
    Alexa ·
    • Flag
    I agree with the others - it’s your day NOT hers! Stick with your original plan; don’t let her dictate what you should/should not do. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag

    How can you possibly speak for your entire family and agree to have them all delete her ex from Facebook? What a silly thing to demand. You can only speak for yourself.

    I agree with all PPs. Say No to her demands, and if she drops out, tell her you would have liked for her to be included, but she made her choice. It sounds like you might have a better day without her being involved, honestly.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics