Sister/Bridesmaid extreme body image issues...

Is this something diagnosed? Like body dysmorphia? (Sp?)

It's amazing and sad what can go through people's heads when they have this. I think the best thing you can do is sit down and talk with her about it.

If the dress looks bad (like legit does) you can return it right? Are you hiring a hair and makeup person?

This might be things that will mollify her to an extent. I know it's not easy to change people's self image, and you really can't do it for them, but be patient. It's the probably the best thing to do for both of you.

Have you considered just giving her a color and a length, and letting her pick out her own dress? I can definitely sympathize with her being nervous about a dress she can't try on before ordering. I have never been able to predict how a dress will look on me without actually trying it on. And for someone with body image issues to begin with, that worry could be excruciating.

What part of her body is she uncomfortable with? Maybe she can add an accessory that would help her feel better in the dress, like a sash or a shawl or something...??

I'm not clear about why she can't try on the dress before you order it. Why is that? And your last sentence seems a little problematic. Yes, you need her to be there for you, but she should also be able to wear something she feels comfortable in. If she is feeling uncomfortable and insecure in the dress you selected for her, how emotionally available can she be to you? I agree with @2d bride that it'd be a good idea to let her choose her own dress using some guidelines you've established (color, length, etc.)

You could order from a site like Azazie. That way you could just give her a color and she could pick what she thinks will look best on her. And she can even try them on before she commits.

I understand that she has issues and she doesn't want to look "gross" but she has to compromise a bit too. You're paying, what if what she wants isn't within what you can afford. Especially since you guys have already agreed to a dress.

I think you should just sit down and have a serious convo with her. It's your day and ultimately about what you want

If the dress you ordered is returnable, I think giving her a color, fabric and length and letting her pick her own is a great idea. Also, if you're paying, give her the budget too. You want her to feel comfortable and beautiful in her dress. Yes, it's your wedding and she should be willing to compromise, but she's also your sister...you should want her to feel great too. If she's able to find a dress that she doesn't feel "gross" in and that you like (even if its not the one you guys ordered online), that would be great. Also, if she's feeling uncomfortable in the dress, it's going to come across in your pictures.

I think this goes beyond just not liking your BM dress. As others have said on other posts, the ONLY required job for a BM is to wear a dress the bride picks out. But she's not even doing that. Now I understand that there is an underlying issue causing this, but maybe a role where she has to "look good" and pose for pictures isn't the best for someone with body dysmorphia. Could you find another role for her? Or have your mom or someone else speak to her? Does she see a therapist you both could jointly visit? I don't think you have to completely compromise what you want for her but it's really sweet that you care and understand her situation.

I spoke with her and our mom today. We've decided that she is going to go to a store that carries the same color and style dress I picked out and she is going to try and find one that she feels the most comfortable in. That was the most important thing to me. I never would have MADE her wear a dress she wasn't comfortable in. She does have body dysmorphia but it has not been diagnosed by any doctor. She refuses to see that she MIGHT have a body image problem. The thing is, and I think this is the problem, she is the oldest of my parents children. She believes (although no one forced this on her, my parents are extremely laid back) that since she is the oldest sibling, she has to be perfect. Have the perfect husband, children, house..etc. She likes things in a very orderly way and done exactly how SHE wants it done, if it is done a different way but with the same results, she still believes it was the wrong way. I am the baby of the family...and the black sheep. I am a "fly by the seat of my pants" type of person. I get things done....just in a way that is maybe not typical. But the biggest difference between us is our self confidence. I love myself...flaws and all, and I don't mind owning up to the fact that I am not perfect. My sissy has never loved herself, she has never had confidence in her decisions in life. Although we aren't alike in most things, we do share a very special bond that only a big sister-little sister can. I did actually hire on-site hair and makeup for the entire bridal party which includes my best friend, my sister (duh!), and my sister's oldest daughter Claire (Jr. bridesmaid). I can't believe my sister approved of my decision, but she said that would be nice! I just want to be as diplomatic as possible without stressing myself, and everyone else, out. I have a physical disease that unfortunately when I am under a lot of stress, causes extreme pain in my body. I was in a wheelchair for four years and I have been up and walking now for two and a half years. I am afraid that I will be stressed out to the point where I can't walk down the aisle... This may seem selfish but this is the first time I will be in the spotlight and I would like (for once) to have things my way. But boy am I SO happy that we were able to come to a decision concerning the dress. Any advice on how to be as stress free as possible?

That's awesome! It really is kind of you to consider her feelings and needs. Not that you shouldn't but a lot of brides get the "me me me" vision.

Stress tips:

Get a check list. Pick 1 night a week you are going to work on wedding stuff. Pick a task like research venues and set up appts. Or design Invites. Having 1 task and 1 night a week makes it way more manageable!

Plan a reward! Once DH & I had venue, makeup, catering and bar done we rewarded ourselves with a date night to just have fun--- no wedding planning!

Here is a picture of the dress she picked out online but is afraid it'll make her look bad.

That's a beautiful dress!

As someone with a lifetime of eating disorders that includes body dysmorphia, I think it's a great idea you are allowing her to chose something in the way in which is comfortable for her. And chances are that no matter what she picks out she will continue to feel agitated and uncomfortable in her own skin. It is your day and all that is important is that she be by your side but unfortunately in her head her body image and perceived "imperfections" are going to consume her.

Although your paying let her know all alterations are on her and shr can alter however she needs. If she has real issues likr you said she wont be satisfied with any dress.