Sister upset

She made comments like “I’ve been waiting for so long, I can’t believe you would get engaged or married before me. Don’t you think it is too soon? I think it is too soon.”

Have any of you gone through this or known someone in this situation? I understand that her sister is older and has been with her boyfriend longer, but I don’t think that should matter. Now my best friend feels like anything moving forward, her sister will be upset and resent her. She’s looking for any advice on how to approach this so I thought I’d bring it here. Thanks!

Oh, happens all the time.

Send her here, your friend, not the sister

Or send the sister and we can see how that pans out!

Sounds like her sister has some growing up to do...

Her sister is jealous. Tell your friend to ignore it. If your friend feels like her bf is the one and he feels the same about her then they shouldnt let anyone or anything get in the way. Her sister needs to grow up .

My sister feels this way. She's older, doesn't have children, doesn't feel her man will ever ask her. But every relationship is different. Maybe she needs to be with someone who will take her more serious.

I'll be perfectly honest and say I've been there. I'm the oldest of 4, and all 3 of my younger siblings got married before me--and it was actually really hard. But I got over it, because that's what you do. If your friend is looking for ways to navigate the situation, I would just tell her to stand her ground. Happiness is contagious, and hopefully the sister will see that.

The sister sounds incredibly jealous and insecure in her own relationship.

Your friend has nothing to worry about. The sister needs to put on her big girl pants and grow up.

FSIL is jealous right now that her younger brother is getting married before her. Fh and I have been together 5 years and FSIL and her boyfriend have been together a little over 2.

She has made certain aspects of planning a living hell. I feel for your friend but she shouldnt let a jealous sister ruin her happiness.

I've heard this before from FH's older sis. She just turned 30 last year and also got married. FH and I (24 and 23) have been together for almost 7 years and she has only been with her H for 3-4 years so everyone joked about me getting married first. Luckily it didn't happen or she might of had a meltdown. Hopefully her sister will start to feel happy for her and not cause any problems.

I got a lot of comments about how mean/breaking tradition it is for me to get married before my older sister even though she and her bf have been together longer. However, my sister couldn't care less and doesn't even want to get married. We also got a lot of mean comments that it was too fast, particularly from women who had been waiting on rings from their bfs for years.

I feel bad for your friend's sister. Her situation sucks. But her sadness is misplaced. It's not her sister's fault she's not engaged, it's her boyfriend's fault. Only she and her bf can control their future. Her little sister's engagement doesn't mean she has to wait any longer or have any effect on her at all. It sounds like someone needs to help her realize this. And perhaps it would be better coming form a friend than her sister.

Me and my sister got engaged four months apart and she is 3 years younger than I am. It doesn't matter who got married/proposed first, it only matters that you found your SO and are in a happy healthy relationship.

Finding the right person to spend the rest of your life should not be looked at as a race, IMO.

I think that's really wrong on the sister's part. Relationships move at different paces. She needs to accept your friend's marriage/relationship, and if she's so eager to get married, have an in-depth talk with her BF. Because it really just sounds like she's taking out her frustrations on her sister.

Wow, that's a very weird thing to be jealous of. I'm the oldest, and if my sister got married before me I wouldn't even bat an eye! We're sisters! I want her happy!

I don't understand that kind of relationship.

I get this, because I was always the friend who wanted the big wedding (and wanted to get married very young--who was I?) and my bff, now MOH, couldn't have cared less about a wedding. I dated a loser for three years and my bff found the most amazing guy. I ditched said loser (back to the starting line for me!) and my bff got engaged. Was I envious? Yes. Did I make her feel like shit over it? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Her now husband is amazing, they are so good for each other (I ugly cried so bad at their wedding) and I am now planning my wedding to a totally amazing not-loser. Her sister needs a kick in the ass.

That basically happened to me...

One of my close friends started asking me if I was sure about FH and said she remembered me telling her I didn't love him (which I would absolutely NEVER say-- I've loved him for years and never questioned that once). She asked if I thought it was too soon, etc.

There's been a lot of shade since-- sending cards to the house addressed to only me, deleting him off social media, and other things

Meanwhile, she talks about how PERFECT her new-ish boyfriend is and I can only attribute everything to jealousy.

In your friend's case, it's probably a bit of this, along with a bit of her feeling like she's not good enough because she's not getting married before her sister. It's probably a lot of pressure for her to feel like she needs to be first and she's failing at that.

My sister is the same way. She's only a year older than me and I've been with my FH a lot longer (not that it matters). She randomly brings up my wedding, then gets into this Debbie downer mode and gets mad at me for trying to tell her to basically have some patience in her arse, just more polite. She goes into rants on "We have been together for long enough." or "It's not fair. Justin (my FH) proposed and I'm older. I should be getting married first!" she started this 6 months ago. I get tired of it trust me. Your friend should try to be as polite as she can, and brush it off. It's not her fault her sister feels this way and its not fair for her to feel bad or guilty. That's just me anyway. ETA: Grammar and spelling is hard sometimes.

Thanks for all of your feedback! I'm sorry a few of you also had/have to go through this! Sounds so frustrating.

I believe that her sisters reaction is definitely disappointment that she isn't there yet in the preplanning/timeline discussion phase and I completely agree that her sadness is misplaced. I can see how it can be upsetting if everyone around you is having it happen and it hasn't for you yet. I think most of sister's friends are either engaged, married, and starting families, so this probably didn't help her feelings about it not happening to her. I couldn't imagine that she expressed this feeling to her friends so I'm assuming, because they are sisters, that she let it all out (not in a good way).

I think her sister has been insecure about their relationship- he broke up with her sometime in the first year of dating for about six months because he didn't want a relationship at the time. Seems like he got cold feet? Not sure. From what I hear, it seems like since then, a lot of what has consumed her mind is "are we going to work out? will he leave me again? will we live together? do you think we will get married? now its, when will he propose? this year? next year?" They have been living together for over year now but she still seems a bit insecure and needs reassurance. Which she should get from her boyfriend, not making my friend feel bad.

My friend is going to email her a letter expressing how her reaction hurt her feelings, how every relationship is different, how happy she is for her and her boyfriend and hopes that she can be supportive of her relationship too etc. Hopefully things get better and she can be truly happy for her!

Her sister is jealous, but that's all on her. It doesn't make sense for your friend to put her life on hold waiting for someone else to reach milestones that she's already standing at. My younger brother got married a coupe of years ago. He had a steady job, was financially independent and met a woman he wanted to spend his life with. Should he have told her to wait, because his sister and her boyfriend wanted to finish grad school? That would be nuts.

If the sister is still clinging to the idea of 'oldest goes first - that's only fair!' then I don't think she's mature enough to get married.

My best friend and my FH best friend both got pissed as hell cause we are getting married before them.

It's sad and unfortunate that people are so self focused but at the end of the day your best friend can not plan her life around other people's feelings. Sounds like the sister will probably be the same about children and houses down the road so your friend might as well start living the life she wants now because her sister has some work to do on that attitude of hers!

Life isn't a competition