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Just Said Yes October 2018

Sister told me she is pregnant a month before wedding

Leslie, on August 28, 2018 at 8:47 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19

Hello Everyone,

I am getting married in about a month and my sister just told me today that she is pregnant with her second child. I am very happy for her and congratulated her. She said they aren't planning on telling people until November and that she was originally planning on conceiving in May but 'got her math wrong'.

The problem is, we are not that close and don't have a great relationship. She is a bridesmaid out of obligation but she is 3 years younger than me and always has to be the center of attention. Anytime I had an event that focused on me (i.e. birthday, graduation), she would do something to get attention or she would be extremely mean to me because she was upset she wasn't getting the attention. I don't really like being the center of attention but for my wedding, I am actually excited about it.

With that being said, I've talked with my MOH, fiancee and my support system and we have decided that it would be best if the extended family knew she was pregnant before the wedding, so it's not 'new news.' With my sister's track record of making herself the center of attention, I don't believe she will wait until November to tell people she is pregnant and would like to use my wedding for that occasion. My wedding is not very big, and only 7 family members are attending. So it's not like she would have to do an announcement, just let those 7 people know before the wedding.

Thoughts?

19 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs. J, on August 28, 2018 at 5:23 PM
  • Mary
    Dedicated April 2019
    Mary ·
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    My only concern is that you cant force her to share news she doesn't want to and it's not something you should share with people without her permission. If she agrees then fine, if not, dont tell everyone for her.
    Some people really do prefer to wait and tell people because the first trimester is tricky and it's when miscarriage is most common so they dont want people to get their hopes up.
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  • B
    Devoted September 2018
    Bri ·
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    You have absolutely no say in when she tells everyone she's pregnant. I don't have a sister it if I did and if she told everyone I was pregnant or tried to force me to tell everyone I was pregnant before I was ready because she thought I was stealing her attention I would be furious and probably never talk to her again.

    This is not something for you to decide. You, your maid of honor, your fiance and your "support system" have no right to control when she tells people. That is between her and her spouse, absolutely no one else.

    Her announcing a pregnancy will not take away from your wedding.
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  • M
    Devoted September 2018
    Mel ·
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    I agree with Mary, can’t force her to share the news. If she’s told you and you’re not that close it’s possible she’s told others as well?

    I don’t have much advice, but I think announcements at someone else’s party are tacky unless there was an agreement beforehand.
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  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    This is so not your call to make. If my sister had tried to tell me when to announce any of my pregnancies, she would have no relationship with my children.
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  • L
    Just Said Yes October 2018
    Leslie ·
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    That is true. I may ask her to tell them and if she refuses then just say it will absolutely not happen at my wedding. Not saying it won't, it's out of my control which sucks but not a whole lot I can do about it I guess.

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  • Devoted December 2019
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    I mean how far along is she? If she’s less than 3 months, usually people wait til they pass the first trimester to REALLY start telling people. You can’t force her to tell people. The 7 family members are allowed to be excited about a wedding and are also allowed to be excited about a new baby.
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  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    It's not your news to share, or to tell someone when to share. If she has always tried to one up you, anyone on your side will already know about her behavior and probably roll their eyes and move on. Anyone on his side will likely wonder why on earth she's make a spectacle of herself. Let her look bad if she chooses to act up. You can choose to not let it bother you and to not be the cause of drama.
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  • M
    Devoted September 2018
    Mel ·
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    I wouldn’t say anything because if she isn’t planning on announcing, then it might damage your relationship. However, I trust your fear is based in things she has actually done in the past so I don’t think your worry is unfounded. If only seven people are coming from your side and she does announce it, likely everyone else in attendance who doesn’t know her will not care or think it’s tactless. FH and I are not allowing anyone to touch the mic who isn’t us, our parents or the wedding party so limiting her mic access might prevent a big announcement at the wedding? If she is set on announcing, she will find a way, but it looks like you already have people in your life ready to cast her a disapproving glance. At my friend’s baby shower, her coworker let it slip that she was pregnant to her other coworkers and they all let out a shrill scream and started clapping and hugging her WHILE my friend was opening gifts. Nobody else acknowledged them and nobody thought it was cute.
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  • L
    Just Said Yes October 2018
    Leslie ·
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    You make a good point Mel. I only have 7 family members there, out of 48 people. If she does make an announcement, most of the other people won't care, they don't know her. I'm not worried so much about having the attention taken off me, more of the way she has hurt me and treated me in the past and how, if she does announce it, the way she is trying to hurt me again. Our relationship is already at a point that I don't think it will really be repaired anyways. I can just continue to ignore and be a bigger person. She's not really a big part of my life anyways, just when I go home twice a year.

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  • M
    Devoted September 2018
    Mel ·
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    If you stress yourself out or worry over it, you’re punishing yourself on what should be one of the most memorable days of your life. I get where you’re coming from because she has done this in the past, but you’re giving her the time and attention over something that may or may not happen. Likely you won’t care the day of or even notice!
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  • L
    Just Said Yes October 2018
    Leslie ·
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    That is very true! I'm just not going to worry about it anymore. It's not worth the energy Smiley smile There are going to be more important things going on that day! Thank you Mel!

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  • E
    Super October 2017
    Emily ·
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    Weddings make us a little crazy. I guarantee you, if she does announce she is pregnant, it will not ruin your day and you will still be the bride that just got married. You and your support system do NOT get to decide when another person tells when she is pregnant just because it's best for you. I mean... say that out loud to yourself, take a deep breath and think about how you would respond to someone else.

    My sister is narcissistic. It's all about her all the time. At my wedding she tried but really struggled with having the spotlight not on her. She gave one of the MOST uncomfortable speeches in the world. She literally just stood there with a microphone looking angry for a full minute. She is typically very good with public speaking. It was so painful almost every guest said something to me about it after. It did not ruin my wedding or taint my day. It did not change that I got to marry an incredible man who wanted me to have a perfect wedding day. And it wasn't, because no day is. But you have to just resolve yourself to focus on the parts that are perfect and the reason for the day.

    Do not ruin lifetime relationships by doing stupid things just because this is "your big day". When this day is over, life returns to normal VERY quickly but things that are said and done because of your wedding day will stay and affect relationships.

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  • Camille
    Devoted October 2020
    Camille ·
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    Please don’t do this - it is not your news to share. Have an honest conversation with her about your fears and then let it be. Whatever happens will happen and you cannot force her to say anything. If you tell people about her news before she says anything, you are putting your relationship with her and her children in jeopardy. Don’t stress over this! There is no way to know if that’s her plan, so please don’t stress yourself out over something that may or may not happen. You have too many other things to stress about during the wedding planning process!
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  • Susan
    Super November 2018
    Susan ·
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    Agreed with pps. Even if she’s a drama queen, that is not your news to share.
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  • Emily
    Master May 2014
    Emily ·
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    Agree with everyone else - it is not your place at ALL to decide when she shares the news of her pregnancy with family. Even if she tells people ON your wedding day, it will not mean that guests will suddenly forget they are at your wedding and completely turn their attention to her for the entire night. That will not happen. You will still be the center of attention on your wedding. Try not to make this into a big deal. It isn't.

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  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
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    It is absolutely not your place at all to share her news with anyone or to force her to share it for the sake of the attention being taken from you.

    Its your wedding and you are the bride, the attention will be on you regardless.

    Let her tell her news the way she wants to and enjoy your day without worrying about other people.

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  • c
    Super May 2019
    c ·
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    Honestly, that's not your news to share. That's hers. Imagine you wanted to wait to tell your family you were engaged and she went behind your back and spoiled the news. She already said she's waiting until November to tell people (which is after your wedding) so don't tell anyone. It's not your place and you're coming off salty.

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  • Maren
    Champion October 2021
    Maren ·
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    Hi Leslie! You received some good insight in this thread and I agree: It's out of your control and not worth the energy. Focussing on your wedding planning & excitement towards your future marriage-- the big picture. Smiley heart Your wedding day will be here before you know it and we are so excited for you!

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  • Mrs. J
    Expert October 2018
    Mrs. J ·
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    If it were my sibling - and only you know your sibling - I would say how excited I am for her but kindly ask that she does not use my wedding as an opportunity to share her news regardless of main family members all being there conveniently. However, I agree with pp that you can't really control when she decides to share that information and if she decides to do that it won't take away from your wedding day. Congrats!

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