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Sheryl
Beginner November 2022

Sister In Law

Sheryl, on February 28, 2021 at 7:48 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 24
Long before my fiance and I got engaged we talked about wedding details, including our bridal party. We come from large families with lots of cousins. We also have friends from different parts of our lives. We decided on 3 bridal party members on each side. My side will be my best friend from childhood, my fiance sister and my best friend from college. My fiance will have his buddy from college, my brother and his friend from high-school. I thought we were set!! When I told my parents they were concerned about me not including my brothers wife (I was in their wedding as a bridesmaid). But we explained that we wanted to keep it simple so we didn't have to worry about upsetting our cousins and friends or having to make anyone upset. They seemed to understand and I thought it was done. Well now my mom texted me and tells me my sister in law will be so heart broken if she isn't included and her feelings will be hurt. My sister in law and i will go to lunch, but never alone. It's always with my mom or my brother. We don't have alot in common, but we are polite with each other.


I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. But this is what my fiance and I wanted. And now I feel like I'm being pressured to change and accommodate someone else for fear of making her upset. I want to stay strong and keep my plan. I think I'm upset at this point because it seems like my sister in laws feelings are more important than mine and my fiance.

24 Comments

Latest activity by Antoinette, on March 2, 2021 at 10:57 AM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    This is not a decision for parents to get involved in. Let sister in law be a guest without responsibilities. Stand your ground and repeat no as much as you can. Maintain boundaries and get the practice in now because they will do this in your future with other opinions (where you live, how you raise children, where you spend holidays, etc).

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  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
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    Do not give in if you don’t want to! You were in their wedding as a bridesmaid because you were the sister of the groom—you are now repeating that exact tradition. Don’t let your mom bully you.


    I had a friend who felt pressure from her mom to include her brother’s wife, who she couldn’t stand. She ended up having a secret bachelorette party so this girl wouldn’t be invited. There was so much lying it made me sick. Just tell your mom the bridal party is set and change the subject if she brings it up again.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2020
    Katie ·
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    Hi Sheryl! If I were in your shoes, I’d give my brother a call to get to the root. Let him know similar to what you stated here “hey this is what we decided but mom has the impression it is going to hurt (SIL name) and I just wanted to ask you if she’d be hurt - totally love her but just wanted to keep things simple, wouldn’t want to hurt her ever” Chances are she is more than fine with your decision ❤️ Mom can rest easy knowing no one hurt or disappointed (very nice of your mom to be inclusive and her intentions are good, but you are the bride) 😉🌸🥂
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Don't give in because if you do now this will teach your family that they can pressure you into things to get what they want.
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  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    I agree with this. I'd talk to your brother one on one to get some more insight and a clearer picture before making a final decision.

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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Definitely don’t give in to what your mother wants. I just wonder how much of what your mother is saying is accurate. I’m a firm believer in that this is your wedding so it’s your vision!
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I would stand my ground. Tell your mom that if your SIL is hurt, she's more than welcome to call you privately and chat.
    How does your mom know your SIL will be hurt? Has your SIL said something? Is it from her previous behavior that has a pattern?
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  • Ally
    Dedicated June 2021
    Ally ·
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    I agree with the others, don't give in! Your wedding day is about you and your fiance and you shouldn't have to put people in your wedding party just to spare their feelings. I'm sure that your FSIL will be more understanding than your mom is making it seem. I personally wouldn't be upset if I wasn't part of my SIL's bridal party even though we are close, but everyone is different. I would definitely talk to your brother though.

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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Remind them that you’re an adult. Remind them that this is your wedding. And then hang the phone up and continue with your planning the way you want it.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    So I'm in your SIL's shoes. I asked my FI's brother's then-gf, now wife, to be a BM. Four months later she picked her own bridal party, and I wasn't in it. I was hurt - I asked her to be in mine both because I like her and as a gesture of inclusivity because she's my family now, and that wasn't reciprocated.


    I personally think siblings and siblings in law trump random cousins, but that's just me. If you are close to your brother I might reconsider.
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  • Sharonda
    Super January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    I agree with everyone else - stand your ground. You and your fiancé get to decide what will work best for you. If you’re close to your sister in law, I would recommend that you speak with her directly (not through your brother) about this issue. If you really want to include her, let her do a reading or find another way to include her in the ceremony.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    No, your mother's thought is that HER ( mom's) thoughts and values are more important than either of yours or your SIL. Too often I have seen this exact situation, and the other person is not wishing and hoping to be your bridesmaid. They may even be happy not to be chosen. They are fine loving you, and giving you your time. Won't say that, it sounds bad, and she is not criticizing you at all. But mom has this Idea that what would make everyone happy, is what would make Mom happy. Everyone in the wedding. And mom needs to hear, that this wedding is the first major thing you and FI have done together. And you are sticking by your joint decisions, made without mom involved. And it makes you very unhappy that she is not showing any respect for what you have planned. And now she needs to back off, and stop trying to change your wedding party, or you will not feel you can share even one little thing with her. You, and FI, are making the decisions about these things. Back off, mom.
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    Like everyone else has said, stand your ground and don't let anyone tell you who you should have in your wedding party. You both decided what worked best for your wedding and need to stick to that!

    Also, just because you were her bridesmaid does NOT mean you're obligated to have her as one of yours. It sounds like you haven't heard from her directly that she's upset about not being picked, so I would go straight to the 'source' and ask her how she feels. More than likely this is just something your mom assumed and created in her head.

    Just remember that you aren't obligated to have her in the wedding, especially if you aren't particularly close to her (that includes having her do readings or anything else). Being polite and friendly with someone doesn't mean they get to be in your wedding. So don't let anyone guilt trip you about it!

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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Your mom is being ridiculous.
    If you don’t do anything with your SIL other than meet for meals with other people present, you are not friends. And that is totally fine! You are in laws, you are cordial, that’s an entirely appropriate relationship to have.
    Everyone doesn’t need to be a bridesmaid.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Stick with what you want, don't cave to others feelings or demands. It's your wedding not theirs.
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  • Stephanie
    Savvy September 2022
    Stephanie ·
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    Your Mom is being silly. You are only having 3 bridesmaids. It makes perfect sense that the SIL you are not close to doesn't make the cut. Let her be the guest. Also does your SIL even care, or is it just your mom making an issue?

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  • R
    Savvy June 2022
    Rebecca ·
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    I don't understand your mom's logic. You have 3 bridesmaids, if you had 6 or 7, maybe I could see why she is upset. But with only 3 bridesmaids, you have to draw the line somewhere.

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  • Expert September 2021
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    Agree with everyone else! I wouldn't even want them to think you're willing to change what you want now, because accommodating now will make them think it's something you're willing to do with other things. I would be polite but firm. And I would probably start with your mom - tell her that this is your wedding and you and your fiancé have decided on these things together, they aren't up for discussion.

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  • Summer987
    Super May 2018
    Summer987 ·
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    I wouldn't change my plans on this. You've made your decision. I would stick to it, otherwise, people will keep thinking they can ask you to change or move things. I had 3 bridesmaids. My husband had 2 groomsmen. My mother in law wanted me to add my BIL's wife as a bridesmaid cause we are all family. I told her I have made my decision. I have my sisters as my bridesmaids. I told my husband she and I are not friends. We don't talk. She will not be a bridesmaid. He understood and agreed with me.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    This is so true. You change one thing for someone and all of a sudden you are seen as a people pleasing push over. And then people will no longer be asking but demanding you change things for them.
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