sil Tension

I think you're smart to get married now so your grandmother can be there. October isnt that close to January that you're stealing her thunder and honestly that's a little early for her to have her shower. Do what you two feel is right for you. I could see her being upset if you wanted to get married a week or two before her but there's plenty of time in between them.

I agree with Sharon. October is far enough away from January so your FSIL needs to get off her high horse. You October date is special to you, you want your grandma to be there, and it is far enough away from January so you’re in the clear in my book. Idk about the bridal shower predicament... seems a little early for the shower in my opinion, but like you said, it’s two different weekends so it’s fine.

Whoa, she is definitely being unreasonable. I can slightly understand the shower and your wedding being back to back upsetting her. Only because she may be worried it will take attention away from her that weekend. Still, it’s no reason to say anything and she’s having an early bridal shower. I’m having mine a month before the wedding. If she’s so worried about it she should push it to November or December. Nobody in my family has had a wedding in 7 years, so I was excited to finally have one and then my cousin gets engaged and is planning a wedding not too long after mine. Same theme and ideas but nicer more expensive venue. All I could think was great, now everyone will compare our weddings. I got over it real quickly and decide as long as my fiancé and I are happy, that’s all that matters.

If you planned your elopement the same weekend as her shower, that's one thing. But you didn't. She isn't entitled to an entire month for her shower or an entire year for her wedding. It doesn't sound like you planned on skipping her shower or her wedding for yours? So it's fine. I'd ignore her and move on with your plans.

She is being completely unreasonable. As someone who has witnessed this be an issue in my family, my advice is to explain yourself once and then repeat that explanation calmly whenever she or anyone else brings it up. Everybody gets one day. You should get married on the day that works for you. Don't let her upset you or get in your head, don't carry her baggage for her, and let her make her own decisions about how to react.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I just feel like there’s too much uncertainty around health right now to risk it but I just wasn’t expecting this reaction.

View Quoted Comment I understand her reasoning for an early shower. She wants to be outdoors so we can social distance. I’m one of her bridesmaids so when she messaged us about the shower I should have said we were thinking about doing this the weekend before but I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. I’m just hurt by her reaction and she is even questioning whether her and my FHs brother will go which is hurting FH ☹️

View Quoted Comment Yeah I was worried too which is why I reached out to her separately to explain this was a special weekend and that’s why we picked it. It wouldn’t bother me because they’re different events it’s not like two weddings back to back. It also didn’t bother me that they got engaged a week after us (not that it was in her control obvi) I was just excited for both of us.

View Quoted Comment No I called her to assure her that I would absolutely still be there and help with any bridesmaid duties she needs. I’m upset now because she’s insinuating that her and my FHs brother wouldn’t be able to go. I’m worried FH won’t want to go through with the minimony without his brother/best man

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I talked to my FMIL about it too and she thinks she’s absolutely being unreasonable and they will be there for our minimony so that made me feel a lot better. I was worried I was causing problems for the family. We all got together over the weekend and she didn’t even look at me.

I think it's fair to remember that she's a Covid bride too. I can tell you, I've rescheduled mine more than twice and someone I adore jumped my wedding. I know we talk about stealing thunder - but in truth I was quite sad that my wedding wasn't happening. Then I saw wedding photos of them, congratulations, etc. It really did hurt. I've never said anything... But maybe show her some grace. Maybe she's worried that she'd have to reschedule or cancel. She also could have chosen January to avoid yours. Or she could have been considering moving hers up too. I'd speak to her from a very kind place and ask her if you messed her up in some way you hadn't considered. I wish the person who jumped mine took the time to at least acknowledge that ouch for me. I didn't want them not to get married - or to buy get married that fast. I did wish they'd managed my feelings better.

Or are least paused to consider that I was feeling a lot of emotions about it. Instead, they haven't spoken to me since.

View Quoted Comment Yes I do understand that which is why I reached out to her specifically to let her know why we came to this decision. Here in Wisconsin there are virtually no restrictions (politics I won’t get into) so if she chooses, her wedding can go on as planned where mine is in Massachusetts where restrictions are max 25 people, no dance floors, no bar, no photo booths, etc. So I don’t have that choice and will need to postpone if things don’t get better, which I explained to her. I do understand it is still stressful for her regardless and told her that. She planned for January because it was the first available for their venue and did not ask us when we were planning for even though we got engaged first. It didn’t really bother me though.


I can understand it stinging that she thought she was “going first” and now isn't but I guess I don’t feel it’s appropriate to make me feel bad for it. She also said her and her fiancé are having relationship problems because of it and was upset we were “going first” and “stealing her thunder” even though I have been very hush about this minimony. I personally felt that I did take her feelings into consideration by speaking to her directly about our reasoning being my grandma is dying and my big wedding next year may not happen yet she chose to see this as a competition between us and now isn’t speaking to me.

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I really think that you are just to close to this. I think calling her to tell her after the decision was made, rather than giving her a head's up that you might make a change, was just rough. I bet they are having issues, as you can imagine, planning a Covid wedding is rough. Maybe just cut her some slack and let her come to you. I don't think this is about who is going first- I think that she just wasn't able to explain it well. I really think this is more about the stress that she's under. You've explained a lot about what you have done, but I don't know that you've really heard her. Maybe just send her a note that says, "I know you were caught off guard and we're sorry. I bet you have a lot of stress right now and expectations for your wedding. I want to know that you are ok. And I want to support you. I can't move our date, but I can understand that this was unexpected at a time when a lot of unexpected things are happening. I really appreciate how close we've been and I miss you. Please reach out when you are ready." - and then leave it alone.

She isn't upset about what you think.

My FSIL isn't coming to our wedding nor are the newphs because of COVID and my FH and I are okay with it. His brother is coming and that's what's important. "Stealing thunder" "going first" I feel SO BAD for you! She will ALWAYS feels there's competition if she already has that mindset! Do you and your FH have to wait to have kids because they want to have the first one?


Don't apologize for getting married when you want to get married. People who have a selfish mindset will never be happy with decisions others make.
Best of luck! Stay strong and don't pay any mind to people who want to say negative things.

View Quoted Comment I think it was actually wise to tell FSIL after the decision was made so she couldn't try to influence it and didnt think she had a place in the decision. She can have her feelings (Lord knows I have mine about my disastrous wedding experience this year), but she needs to think carefully about how she acts on them.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! Oh man lord help me if I get pregnant first 😂 luckily we plan to wait and they plan to start right away so hopefully we don’t run into that issue.

View Quoted Comment She’s totally entitled to how she feels and I get how stressful planning a wedding is during Covid. But yeah unfortunately how she acted on those feelings was really unexpected and hurtful.


So sorry your wedding experience was disastrous!!