sil Not Coming to Wedding... is this rude?

I don’t think there’s really much you can do beyond what you’ve already done. My husband works fully remote but he has still had to follow the protocols of his company when it comes to travel/quarantine. His company does this because there are times where all employees have to come in for one reason or another so I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that her job said they wouldn’t accommodate that.

You are being way too sensitive. Overseas travel with 2 kids, in the middle of a global pandemic, is a huge task. Plus this is an in law. Her husband, who is the blood relative of your FH, spoke to your FH about it. The husband speaks for their family as a whole.


Don't make a mountain out of a molehill

Sometimes I feel that other peoples wedding's just aren't important enough for others to make much of it. It's not uncommon to feel that some of your guests could really give a care. I've done the reaching out thing as well and haven't gotten the response I was expecting. This is an "oh well" situation. Be annoyed to yourself and don't bring the drama into the mix of your precious time which should be spent mulling over other important details of the Wedding. It's annoying but it will pass and honestly do you want people there who don't seem to care? I feel so many people these days lack common etiquette. It so easy to shoot a text and say, "thank you for the invite but"... which makes it all the more angering because it's so simple to do! This is your future SIL after all. I feel you on this one. Both of my brothers wives are going to my Wedding but really don't ask anything about it or even have told me how happy they are for us. I wish I had sister in law's who seemed to care, and trust me it's not for lack on trying on my end! I've grown to accept it. Maybe the distance is what your sister in law is most concerned about, not so much her job. Maybe the job is just her excuse? Either way there are going to be more of these kinds of scenario's over your lifetime. You can still be nice to her but also know where your place is. It's often our expectations of others that get us in trouble. Lower your expectations and it will be easier to bear in the long run.

There is no way this could be seen as a "major slap in the face" unless you decide to be very unreasonable. Like Willow said, "Overseas travel with 2 kids, in the middle of a global pandemic, is a huge task." On top of that, this isn't even someone you are close to. Do not make her legitimately prioritizing her time, family, job, health, and money over your wedding personally. Accept this, be disappointed if you are actually disappointed (and not just telling yourself to be offended), and then move on.

For some context, I had to miss two different siblings' overseas weddings due to not being able to afford to travel. I am so thankful those siblings chose not to hold this against me.

I don’t see that it’s rude. It would be nice if she could attend but if she’s not able, nothing you can do. Do you suspect she’s using the job as a cover to say she doesn’t want to attend but won’t come out and say it? You can speculate all you want but it’s entirely out of your hands.

I think if you say/do anything else then it will be rude on your part. It's still a global pandemic, they'd have to travel internationally, and you're assuming A LOT about her new job. It doesn't matter when she got the new job, and it doesn't matter if it's strictly WFH, she's following their policies and her husband is still coming so it seems like they tried to make what they could work for their family.

Is it really the job or is it the country they’re in that have these requirements?
It sounds like she can’t really do much about it, I personally think that excuses involving work or health are always valid.

Thanks for all the input everyone! I guess I just felt it was sort of rude for neither of them not to shoot a text back when I expressed our sadness that they wouldn’t be coming. I understand that it’s a pandemic, but not attending an immediate family member’s wedding and ignoring them when they say they’re sad you aren’t coming just feels super awkward/rude to me? Like Erica said though - expectations are our demise!

Well, I know for us in Australia - at my workplace at least - you're not allowed to work when you're quarantining, which is something to do with potential workplace health and safety - if you fall ill and are still working despite being in quarantine, the workplace would be liable for ... something? I'm not sure, exactly. But even if she IS working remotely (I am right now, for example) I can see how her workplace might not allow this - either as a government directive, or as a business-wide choice.

Separately - my SIL did not attend my BIL's wedding, because they had a wedding on friday and a wedding on saturday, and couldn't get childcare for both. Although she posted pictures of her with one of the (multiple) people who baby sits for her, spending the day together. And they ended up being cut from attending the other wedding due to covid restrictions.

I felt it was rude, but it wasn't an international visit with multiple children, requiring 2 weeks of quarantine.

I think it's a matter of priorities, and not everyone has the same ones. That's just how it is, and you can feel it's rude and inappropriate (I did in the above case) but it's their choice. You have to accept the level of relationship this person is willing to give - and moving forward, you know you only need meet that same level of closeness.

As long as the brother comes, that's the main thing.

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They may have felt your response was pressuring/guilting them for choosing not to attend, which I'm sure wasn't your intent, but may have been how it felt.

Plus, what can they say? This may have caused an argument between husband and wife, which means it's an awkward situation all around.

There are 2 people (other than my fiancé) who I will be devastated if they can’t attend and have already budgeted paying for their plane tickets/hotels if they say they can’t because of money but if it was for some other reason they couldn’t travel I wouldn’t push it. Anyone else who rsvps no I’m just counting it as money saved and asking no further questions. Don’t give her a hard time unless she’s your favorite person in the world. Also your fiancé may get to enjoy a little one on one time with his brother without having to worry for/watch his kids. Win win as far as I’m concerned!! You lucked out, congrats and enjoy!

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with this. Many couple’s blood relatives, who live locally, are declining to attend weddings due to covid! Being upset that an in-law won’t drag herself and their children onto a long International flight during a pandemic is unreasonable and comes off very selfish. I would consider myself lucky that the brother is even making it.

Well it’s an international wedding during a pandemic that requires flying with two (assuming unvaccinated) children. They owe you no further response. And no, most jobs don’t let you quarantine while being remote and taking time to travel internationally within your first couple months can not even be granted by the employer. Not that any of that is needed. You’re disrespecting FH family by pressuring them, you don’t need to reach out to make them feel more guilty than they probably already do.

You said she knew about the wedding before she applied to the new job… why do you mention that? Are you suggesting she shouldn’t have applied for or taken the new job so that she could go to your wedding?


And if your wedding is in the US and they live in Europe, I don’t blame her for not wanting to travel during the pandemic. I would not reach out anymore because clearly she made her decision. I don’t think they should have ignored your communications but I would just let it be.

I would just let all of this be. Your SIL has a number of really valid reasons not to attend, even though it's not up to us to judge the validity of it anyway. Re: not texting back, I'm not sure what they would say. Maybe "sorry"? It does suck, but I'm sure you 'll have an amazing wedding anyway.

No, it's not rude at all.

She's not being rude at all. I honestly think you're in the wrong here. She hasn't started the job yet so she seems to not want to start it off in a bad place with her bosses. It's also the time of COVID and you want her to travel from Europe to the US. They have stricter rules over there than here and she has young children right? They can't be vaccinated. I have friends in Europe and would completely understand if they didn't want to travel or quarantine or travel with their children. All of her reasons for not coming are valid. Is it disappointing? Of course, but I think given the circumstances you should be understanding.