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Just Said Yes September 2019

sil drama - just need to rant

Miranda, on July 20, 2019 at 1:12 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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This situation has been so sticky and recently came to a head. I asked my future SIL to be in my wedding. I went in with low expectations of her because truthfully, she is just in her own world. My FH keeps his distance from his family for pretty good reason as they can be pretty toxic. Nonetheless, I have always at least been civil with them and wanted to see if we could form something if a healthy relationship. The other day I tried to reach out to my FSIL because she was being distant and dismissive of me. All I asked was if I did something to upset her and she laid into me with about 6 years worth of anger she apparently kept to herself. I felt completely attacked by some of the statements she made, she made comments about how our wedding date was set for after their mother's life expectancy (she had stage 4 cancer and our venue changed our date AND we are paying for the wedding completely ourselves, so many factors), saying things such as she doesn't know me at all (when I've tried extending the olive branch I don't know how many times) along with a handful of other character jabs. Needless to say, she is no longer in my wedding party and honestly, I don't want her at the wedding (my FH feels the same). Has anyone dealt with this much BS? Am I harsh for not wanting her there? I don't know that I can ever forgive her for how she treated me, it's really a shame 😔

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Latest activity by bethf, on July 23, 2019 at 2:48 PM

Just Said Yes January 2020
Anna · on July 20, 2019 at 1:38 AM
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Your wedding, your choice! Be happy!
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Beginner September 2019
Alyssa · on July 20, 2019 at 2:05 AM
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It's best if shes not there, her energy will totally ruin the happiness of your wedding day, something similar just happened to me also where 2 of my brothers said they will not only not be in my wedding party but wont attend at all if I didn't invite my birth mother & father whom I no longer have a relationship with because they are toxic, so I said fine have a nice day & God bless🤷🏻‍♀️, you wont be able to please everyone, the most important thing is that you & fh are going to get married to each other & that is your guys day
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Expert September 2020
Terra · on July 20, 2019 at 4:08 AM
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If your FH, her brother, feels the same, cut her.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on July 20, 2019 at 4:16 AM
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If both if you feel the same: She’s out- not just of the wedding party but the whole thing!!!!!

I’m soooooooo sorry this is happening. And I wish you peace from here on out.
I’m also sorry about his mom, regardless of if they are close. It’s still hard.
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Devoted November 2019
Heather · on July 20, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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She may be really having a difficult time with her mom dying and focusing that on you unfortunately. People deal with this type of thing so differently from one another. Think about losing your own mother. She might have really felt like you didnt care or she is just angry in general. You cant do much about it but I would send her a nice note recognizing how she must be feeling and that you dont want to cause added stress for her and that you hope one day you will be on better terms because you love her brother so much. Then the ball is in her court. Time changes a lot. Just a suggestion.
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Expert October 2019
Heather · on July 20, 2019 at 11:09 AM
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Honestly, if your FH keeps his distance from his family, I don’t know why you would ask her to be a bridesmaid anyway. He clearly knows what she’s like. I have toxic family members (aunt, uncle and their 2 grown children). When they found out I wasn’t inviting them, they made sure to say the worst things they could think (calling my and FH’s 2 kids as well as my niece b*stard children, saying my grandparents would be so ashamed of my b*stard children and me and that they’re rolling over in their graves, and that I should wear a black dress and hang my head in shame as I walked down the aisle). Needless to say, this is exactly the reason I didn’t have them on the guest list in the first place, and it only solidified that my decision was the right one. Your FH has said he doesn’t want his sister there either, so it really sounds like a no brainer here, don’t invite her.
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Super September 2019
Alyssa · on July 21, 2019 at 7:53 AM
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I don't think there is anything wrong with you not wanting her there. I would hate to see her attitude get in the way of your day. I think since her own family also feels this way about her than you can let her go without worry of backfire from FH or his family.
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privateuser · on July 21, 2019 at 4:35 PM
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I had a similar situation with my BIL's fiance. I tried many times and bent over backwards to build a relationship with her and it did not work I ended up not including her for the pre wedding stuff (getting ready, hair and make up) and she wasn't in the bridal suite or anywhere intimate. Basically if my BIL was there, she could be there otherwise, if he wasn't, she wasn't. I don't regret it at all. If someone is so quick to say such hurtful things and blatantly dislike you, why should they be included in those intimate spaces and moments. Weddings make people crazy and feel very entitled.

So if you and your fiance are in agreement, don't invite her. People will probably say that you won't even notice her. But that's BS. You should not be in a position to bring bad vibes, especially on your wedding day. At the very least, don't let her be in those intimate spaces with you. She doesn't deserve it.
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Savvy November 2018
Futuremrsbroadhurst · on July 22, 2019 at 1:36 PM
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I was in a similar situation, and if you FH and you both agree that you don't want her there then don't invite her. My husband and I uninvited his sister from our wedding and neither of us have any regrets. You want to be able to enjoy your day and not have to worry about her.
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Expert February 2020
Kristal · on July 22, 2019 at 3:24 PM
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You are not harsh at all for not wanting her there. The fact that your FH does not want his own sister at his wedding says a lot about her choices. She is clearly blaming you for things you have absolutely no control over, and likely even holding your FH's aloofness from the family against you from the sounds of how pettily she came across. You don't need that ever but especially on your day.
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VIP August 2019
Bridget · on July 22, 2019 at 9:29 PM
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Exactly this!
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Beginner September 2019
Jacki · on July 23, 2019 at 12:42 AM
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I agree about the toxic sibling and leaving them out of the special moments in life if they can't be happy for you. I do want to point out, you did ask her what's bothering her and she did respond accordingly. Although there were a lot of hurtful things said, was that her venting and projecting her anger on to you? How is your FH's mother's prognosis now? My dad passed 13 years ago and he lived at least 2 years past his life expectancy with a inoperable brain tumor. Again, it is your day together and I strongly feel that its important that you're surrounded by supportive people.
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Expert October 2020
Sara · on July 23, 2019 at 11:14 AM
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I think weddings are very stressful and cause a lot of family tension. I no longer speak with my brother and it all came to a head around his wedding. We also are having some difficulty with one of FH's brothers and his wife. I personally feel it is easier for me to be "blamed" for issues since I am the outsider/new person. I just don't think the one brother likes FH very much, and instead of admitting I am being used as the scapegoat.
One of his other brothers (he's 1 of 4 boys) just got married in April and I was completely left out of everything. She even "forgot" to invite me to the bachelorette party. The current sister in law wasn't in the wedding but was in the bridal suite getting ready with everyone and getting pictures taken, she even wore a very similar dress to the bridesmaids. I was treated like a regular guest checking into the hotel by myself, riding the shuttle over by myself, listed on escort card as "and guest". We weren't engaged yet, but FH had told his brothers he was asking me in the next month so maybe that is why. I was really hurt . I would never leave just one person out especially someone who is going to be family, but that is just me, everyone is raised with different values and views things slightly differently
It is hard to merge families. In-laws don't have to love you the same way your FH husband does, but I do think they have to try and respect you. I just think weddings bring out family drama. I'm not sure why, but it seems pretty common.
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Devoted August 2019
bethf · on July 23, 2019 at 2:48 PM
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I had a similar situation, I gave up and they came to their senses. If she doesn't feel the need to be at the wedding I wouldn't worry about it, seems like it might be a better night because she won't be there
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sil drama - just need to rant

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