L
Just Said Yes January 2021

Sibling's Wedding Weekend Before Mine

Lauren, on June 10, 2020 at 1:18 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21
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Hi All,

I'm a covid bride that had to change my spring wedding to winter.

My brother called me yesterday to tell me that he's planning to propose in the next few weeks to his girlfriend. And that they had been floating the idea of a NYE wedding. He said she's always loved the idea of a NYE wedding, except that it's winter. She wants a summer wedding otherwise. They want a fast engagement because they're almost 40 and want kids (they're 12 years older than us).


But NYE is 9 days before my wedding. That thanks to covid, I will be planning for 2 years.


I told him that I felt like he was stealing my thunder and that I needed time to process it. Then called my parents crying and haven't stopped since.

I feel like I'm being selfish by saying no, you can't pick that date (her dream date), but it's really no you can't pick a date that close to mine.

My parents have said they agree with me. That it's too close. And not fair to me. And not fair to all the family and friends of our family that will be invited to both. They called him this morning to let him know that I was too afraid to tell him how upset I was and that they agree it's too close, but that they also know they can't control when he has his wedding. He said thanks for letting him know.


He's calling me after work to talk to me about it. I'm so upset. And hurt. I feel like having their date is more important than my feelings and my wedding. I just don't know what to say on the phone.


21 Comments

Latest activity by Shannon, on January 24, 2021 at 12:52 AM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    Are you more worried about them getting married BEFORE you and that that's stealing your thunder? for instance if their date was a week after you, does that make an actual difference?

    either or, i think you have to be mindful that people wanting a certain date doesn't mean it's to spite you or to take away thunder.

    • Reply
  • Kerin
    Super February 2021
    Kerin ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry you're upset, hun, but Melle is right. Just breathe. People will still attend your wedding, they aren't trying to share your day. It will be ok.
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    I agree, that especially in a time of Covid-wedding planning, I'd try to get over your upset at this and support whatever your brother and his fiance decide is best for them. It's understandably upsetting that you might have a lot of feelings about all the things that have happened related to your wedding (Covid is NOT fair!!!!), but just like you had to make decisions -- from limited options -- that were best for you, your brother and his fiance need to make the decisions that are best for them. At this point, people are either going to come to your wedding or not. At forty, they have stuff that is influencing their timeframe and choices. If her dream has "always been a NYE wedding," I'd try to be happy and supportive of them. Good luck!

    • Reply
  • Jeni
    Devoted July 2021
    Jeni ·
    • Flag
    I understand why you're upset. It seems a bit crazy to have your family attend two weddings within nine days of each other. It's even worse if there's going to be a lot of overlap with guests. Plus, getting married around the holidays means guests are paying more to travel and they have to fight to get those precious holiday vacation days. What other people are missing, but you are aware of, is that many guests will have to make the decision to attend one or the other. And that's what's bothering you. (Aside from your immediate family trying to juggle two major life events back-to-back.)


    Before you talk to him, write down what you're feeling and then cross off the emotional ones (e.g. "stealing your thunder"). You can then list off the factual reasons why you and your parents are worried about his NYE date. Next you can explain how your family may end up stressed and overwhelmed in the weeks leading up to the close weddings. Think of logical reasons like guest lists, rehearsal dinners, getting everyone's outfits, etc.

    Make sure you stress that you're still happy for him and understand why he wants a short engagement. You will support him whatever he decides, but it's also important for you to speak up for yourself (in a non-offensive way).
    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Dedicated July 2021
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag

    Sorry you're going through this, that is frustrating. I think the real issue is that's a 2 weddings back to back for your family. Will anyone be traveling for the wedding?


    I think you and. your brother should sit down and talk about it. I would just explain to him that you've been planning for 2 years, and you don't want to postpone again. And not to be like "I was engaged first" BUT, you were. However, if no family needs to travel for either wedding and it's all local, I don't think there is anything wrong with the weddings being so close. I do totally understand the frustration though.

    • Reply
  • Brianne
    Savvy August 2020
    Brianne ·
    • Flag
    I feel like I would be incredibly upset, secretly. I’m the type of person who gets embarrassed of my emotions and feel like I’m being a baby even if it’s justifiable. This would cut me to the core honestly. But I probably wouldn’t let anyone know (which is an even bigger problem). The older I get I’ve been learning to speak out more and stand my ground (in a respectful way of course). Your happiness matters. Your feelings are important. You spend so much time and money and make so many plans, imagine your family getting together, some so excited because they hadn’t seen each other, and then to think of your wedding being a week after your brothers would probably take time to process and sort out your feelings. Just be honest with your brother, and hopefully he will see your side. But remember, it’s not malicious and at the end of the day, family is so very important (and the reason why you’re bummed). Good luck girl!! ❤️
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I understand why you're upset, especially considering you had to postpone and it's been complicated already. Unfortunately, I think if they stick to it, you just have to move on. It's not very considerate on their part, but don't let them ruin your day. I agree with Melle that it may help you process it if you consider what exactly bothers you - would you be more or less upset if it was still really close, but after yours?

    • Reply
  • Izzykern
    Super April 2021
    Izzykern ·
    • Flag
    I personally think this is an unreasonable request and every couple has the right to choose their dream wedding date regardless of other family scheduling. The bride and groom get one day dedicated to them, no more is necessary. Are you upset about them stealing the spotlight from you? Or do you just not want 2 weddings that close?
    • Reply
  • Anna
    VIP October 2020
    Anna ·
    • Flag

    I completely understand your feelings. Basically COVID sucks and life is always throwing us curveballs. And that song “you can’t always get what you want” is rolling through my head but not really intended for you, just a reminder for myself, because I’m the oldest of 6 grandkids and yeah I’ve been spoiled in many ways and have to constantly remind myself that it’s okay when things don’t go my way.

    Some things that your brother and his FW are going to really need to think about is the logistics of planning their wedding so close to yours. Honestly I’m thinking about guests who would be attending both. Is it feasible that they can still attend both? Are they having to travel in for the wedding or drive more than an hour? Because that’s a lot to ask guests to do that close together. How involved are they (and you) expecting your parents to be in the wedding planning/set-up/cleanup? How stressful will it be on them to be doing this all in the same month.

    So I knew my cousin got engaged last year when he & his girlfriend found out their were pregnant. Baby came last July, but they hadn’t picked a wedding date. Then my FH & I got engaged this past February. I originally wanted a July wedding while I was on summer break from teaching, but when I was talking outdoor wedding he pressed for October. Right around our engagement my cousin finally sent out STDs, May 9, but it was postponed to Aug 1. I laugh that if I’d kept my July date I would’ve been the first grandkid to get married. This past Sunday to celebrate my Granny’s birthday, my cousin just now realized I was getting married too and acted like he was gonna get upset if we got married before him, that just because I was the oldest I couldn’t be the first in everything.

    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I think she's more worried that guests/family will be invited to both, but since they are so close together, may have to choose one or the other to attend. That would be my problem with them scheduling it so close.

    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
    • Flag
    It is a bit to process, probably mostly because of covid. I could see how you feel a bit blindsided because you thought you’d be have your “moment” and wedding and then move on but it’s been dragged out. I really don’t think it will be a massive deal if the weddings are close unless you’ll have a big part of your guest list overlapping and a lot of them will have to travel. Also, if they’ve floated the idea of a NYE wedding that’s a lot different from having a venue and date locked in. So many brides are sadly having to reschedule, meaning I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a given they’ll be able to find a venue with NYE availability (usually a popular date anyway) for this year coming up. Talk it out with your brother and let him know how you feel. Also try and be patient and appreciative of him and his partners feelings, which I think you are.
    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes January 2021
    Lauren ·
    • Flag

    Hi all,

    To update you, when he had called to tell me they were floating the idea what they actually meant was they had already put a hold on a venue. Then he called, I told him I was upset. My dad told him that he, my mom, and I all thought it was too close. And they booked the date the next day anyway. He claims my dad never said my parents weren't okay with it but who knows.

    There's a lot of history with this sibling taking attention away from the rest of us, but I don't think I should get into that. I'm not upset it's before. I'm upset it's a week before.

    Of "my side" of the guest list, 60% are people who would be invited to both. 20% are in town guests (family friends). 40% are my family that would be driving 1.5-4.5 hours, with two families flying in. I told him I didn't think it was fair to our guests because they might not be able to go to two right after the holidays because of travel time, vacation days, and expenses. He yelled at me that if people didn't care enough to go to both (that's is *not* why I think they would have to choose only one) then he would tell everyone on his invitation or save the date they should choose mine because he doesn't care if the extended family members come to his.


    When we were going through the decision to reschedule or not, we took a lot of time to think about what our dream wedding truly was. And we came to the conclusion that our dream wedding is having our family there. We couldn't imagine having our wedding without our grandparents there because it was too risky for their health. Then, during our original wedding week, one of my grandmas was in and out of the hospital a few times and my other grandma passed away. Her funeral was on what should have been our wedding day. And now, I'm so terrified that my grandma will plan to go to both, get overwhelmed by theirs because of her age and current health issues, and not be able to come to mine.


    Also on the call, he yelled at me because she's gone through so much in her life and now I'm trying to take away her dream wedding. He told me no one's happiness matters to him except hers. And the only way she can have a dream wedding is by having it that day. I guess I don't understand that because my dream wedding is having my loved ones there and we had no choice but to lose the original day we picked. I'm also having so much trouble understanding how they can say they want to get married to start a family right away, but that having a particular day is more important to them than what his parents think or having his family there.

    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry, Lauren Smiley sad I can't even imagine how difficult this must be. I have to disagree with many of the PPs here saying you should just breathe and move on. I think you have every right to be upset in this situation. A sibling's wedding 1 week apart is very different from, say, a cousin's wedding 2 weeks apart. I would be completely devastated if my sister decided to have her wedding 1 week apart from mine. I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to go through this

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    You get a day. You ( you and groom) are entitled to have your wedding when you want it. They, he and his bide, are entitled to have their day on her dream date. whether you waited two years or fifty, has nothing to do with them. You could have married any time, but you chose to wait. They are free to marry any day except the one you have already booked, out of courtesy, and not the same week is nice. You are NOT entitled to block off weeks, or months, or seasons. Just as parents love all their children, and loving one does not mean there is not any love available for the others, people have enough love and attention for you, even if 3 or 4 people marry in a couple months. No one is stealing your thunder. That is a childish notion, one you should drop. Both my husband and I had a couple of brothers and sisters each, and a couple of first cousins so close his grew up in the house next door in NYC, and my cousins on my same street, 3 of us in the same grade in a small town. We chose to have a short engagement, and be last, 2 weeks after the last of 10 weddings in one of our families, April to October. And no one suffered from a lack of attention, money, gifts, or guests or missed a party. And FI and I were each in multiple friend's weddings that year, and went to a few others, because we made those commitments before our 5 month engagement, or before we met . It was a wonderful year of happiness, babies born and people married in each family. We were all happy for each other. All helpful to each other. No one missed out on anything. ...... They are not taking anything away from you, and you should not try taking their day away from them . There is no place for selfishness, attention seeking that excludes others, or meanness, in a loving family . Schedule your things, and let them do theirs. Less than a third of most siblings weddings overlap, unless you and your brother and his FI have all the same friends.
    Just your own family overlaps. Share the happiness, don't fight to be the center of attention, or you will be the one bringing unhappiness to all. Try saying, congratulations, I am happy for you!
    • Reply
  • E
    Just Said Yes August 2020
    Etta ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    If you read anything at all Judith, you would see that she did not choose to wait 2 years. She was forced to because of Coronavirus. You chose to have your wedding after other people and had two weekS. She did not make that choice, her brother did. And she already said 60% of the first list overlaps. But you just keep sitting on your high horse telling people they aren't allowed to have the feelings they have.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Her guess that of her side of the list 60% are family both will invite, is kind of undone by hos saying he does not particularly care about extended family. And if he has not proposed yet, though they have a date and venue, I pretty much doubt they have completed their guest list. Usually, the longer someone has been grown and on his own, the greater the number of friends, and smaller number of extended family, are invited. He is saying that is true, at age 40, for him. It could well be the only real overlap would be sib, parents, grandparents, a few aunts and uncles. Most NYE weddings run late and are more about friends that family. Part of why a party date is chosen. So she is wanting him to change a dream date, without seeing his guest list, over what could be 10-20 people or less. Yeah, I do think needing to be in the center spotlight, up to the exclusion of others having their dream 9 days before, is not very mature. She is the one actively trying to get others to intervene to change his date. That is beyond, we understand you are upset, rescheduling and all. Campaigning to get a brother to change his date, without even seeing a guest list that shows a lot of overlap, is pretty hostile. And her response that he has said that he does not mind that extended family go only to hers, says that not a lot of the same people are going to be invited to both. So I guess I am back to, you don't get a time block, you get one day. And trying to make things work and be happy for each other, not self pitying over a perceived future loss of attention, or dredging up, well he got all the attention in the past, would in the long run lead to a happier outcome. For the poster. For the other couple. For the family. Internal competitiveness for attention in the family is destructive. He at 40, she at 28 can both have what they want. Weather and proximity to the holidays, and flu/covid season likely will have more to do with some not attending, than the fact that there are 2 weddings 9 days apart.
    Some people see it as " just natural" that someone would want all the attention for months. I think it is not natural, but immature. And likely, so does brother.
    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I'm totally with you, Etta. I never read Judith's responses because they are too long anyway, haha

    • Reply
  • L
    Expert September 2020
    ·
    • Flag
    Without going into details, I’ll just say I had pretty much the same situation with my sister in law. Its pretty common courtesy to not plan your wedding too close to someone else’s, a week is way too close and thats just rude. Ultimately you cant and shouldnt tell them when to get married, since everyone has a different timeline for their life and reason they do things. But its definitely worth mentioning to him that family and friends probably dont want to go to two weddings so close together. And they can still get married this winter, just plan a different date thats not new years eve. They are grown adults and they will not die if they dont get married on that exact date lol.
    • Reply
  • A
    Savvy May 2021
    Allison ·
    • Flag

    I agree with Hanna + Etta about Judith. Definitely a high-ass horse up there.

    Lauren, your sibling sounds so selfish. I'm so sorry you have to deal with him (in general, not just on this specific issue).

    Potential actions (not endorsing any so much as saying 'these are things you could do':

    1. (starting with your brother's horrible suggestion): asking family members to make your wedding their first priority on brother's save-the-dates (that is so incredibly rude to your mutual guests.)
    tenor.gif

    2. Apologizing to family members for the stress of having to figure out attending two wedding dates so close together (especially anyone, who has to travel more than 1.5 hours or works weekends).
    3. Rescheduling your wedding (I'm not advocating this at all...it would terrible and incredibly stressful and you already had to do this!).

    4. Having your parents host a general family celebration party over winter holidays to celebrate with the overlapping guests so no one feels like they *have* to pick a wedding (as I imagine guests who have developed actual feelings over time (unlike your brother) worry about implicitly sending the message that they like one sibling more than the other).

    5. Having them host a NYE engagement party (which would definitely change the guest list as well as the level of importance to various mutual guests as far as what to prioritize) -- this is definitely what I would push for

    6. Asking family members that this date change affects to reach out to your brother and explain how his steamrolling is affecting them...in the hope that hearing it from multiple people will change his (and his bride's mind) about the importance of having a NYE party over family harmony. Judith would probably hate this because blah blah but I still think it's a useful exercise for people to share their feelings with the steamroller determined to have his way.

    7. Talking to your brother's bride instead of your brother (unless she's a total witch. You haven't talked about her much so I don't know what she's like).
    ----
    In general, I personally think that couples who are more into a date than family are less likely to make it as a couple. I'm surprised that two people in their 40s are so focused on this (and that someone who is above the age of 22 wants an NYE party). I'm also surprised that this is just you and your nuclear family instead of you, your FH, your brother, and his FB. It might be easier with more voices in the room instead of just your bratty brother not listening to you because he assumes you're throwing a tantrum over something that's insignificant (which might come out of your age gap and how he treats you). Honestly, it sounds like he has major attention issues.

    Regardless of anything else, I think that when the two dates are announced (as it seems like that will happen), there's going to be a lot of conversation between your family members about what to do (because this is post-Covid-19-2020, not whatever time period Judith is in. People are definitely going to comment on it and call to ask what you and your parents think. So definitely think about what you're going to say when they call.

    Personally, I can see that having a NYE wedding (when people already have time off) might be more convenient...
    BUT people have been thinking about your wedding a LOT longer. They know how much you've been waiting to get married and they know you rescheduled just for them to come. Hence, THEY WILL KNOW THAT YOUR BROTHER IS BEING AN BIG BUTT WHEN THEY FIND OUT HIS DATE IS RIGHT BEFORE YOURS. Everyone will want to support you, especially if you call to apologize about the dates and ask them to let him know that he's being an butt (in whatever language they prefer).

    God, I wish I could send you a bar of quality chocolate. This so completely sucks for you.

    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Dedicated September 2020
    Ellen ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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