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Dedicated February 2021

Siblings in wedding party - advice!

Bethany, on July 5, 2020 at 12:37 AM Posted in Planning 0 20

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My sisters and i have a rocky relationship to put it lightly. i won’t go into background story too much but basically i’ll call one A and one B.
A is the one who introduced me and FH to each other. up until 2 weeks ago i thought it was because she thought we’d be a good match but it turns out she got us talking because “she thought we’d hook up a few times to deal with issues in our lives and that would be it” and she “finds it extremely weird i’m engaged to her friend”. she hasn’t talked to my FH in 2 years and i feel pretty hurt she’d say those things. i figured a sister would want me to be engaged to someone she knew would treat me right but i digress. she never congratulated me on my engagement and when i told her her response was pretty much just “that’s cool”. i’ve tried to y’all wedding stuff with her and i either get no reply or a very bland, dry reply. she’s talked to my mom behind my back how she isn’t happy for me and me getting married really means nothing to her. that’s just a summary but there’s much more, for length of thread i’ll keep it short.
now for sister B. she is disrespectful not only towards me, but to my FH as well. we went to visit my family last weekend and she completely ignored my FH the entire time. if he tried to speak to her she ignored him, didn’t say hi or bye back to him, nothing at all. she told me that she doesn’t like him but she’s “fine with him” and told my mom that she doesn’t care about my wedding and my mom asked if she’s happy for me and she replied not really. to which my mom replied do you want to be in her wedding party? and she said “well it doesn’t matter if i don’t like him because i’m her sister so i’m obligated to be in it”. we were supposed to go to visit next month for her birthday and she said she doesn’t want him or i there on her birthday. she also never congratulated me or said she’s happy for me, she actually ignored my text and calls about being engaged. neither of them are happy, they’re both rude to me and my FH and the disrespect is astounding. frankly i don’t want either of them to be in my party because it’s my day and i want it to be happy and as stress free as a wedding can be (lol). i don’t need negative comments or attitudes and i don’t need to feel like people in my party aren’t happy for me. *side note i never officially asked but we’ve discussed them being in my party so it’s going to be a hard conversation and i’m 100% expecting back lash if i remove them*i could really use some advice because this has my head spinning and i need to send out official bridesmaid invites soon so i need to make a decision. thank you in advance!

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20 Comments

Latest activity by Meghan, on July 6, 2020 at 3:45 PM

Expert August 2020
Erin · on July 5, 2020 at 12:41 AM
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I honestly would not want them in my wedding. If it’s important you do, I would ask you all to sit down and talk about it. There is obviously some things going on or reasons why they don’t like him or support your marriage. Communication is going to be key in this situation.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on July 5, 2020 at 12:42 AM
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You don’t have to have them in your party, that’s for sure. They do sound rude
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Master October 2022
Jana · on July 5, 2020 at 12:45 AM
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Only ask those who are your very nearest and dearest (as far as emotionally supportive) to be attendants. Never pick someone out of obligation, whether they are a sibling/in-law or because you stood in their wedding, especially if you don't get along. Don't let anyone bully you based on the decision you make either since it's not their place to dictate or judge.
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Dedicated February 2021
Bethany · on July 5, 2020 at 1:05 AM
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Unfortunately A lives across the country and B lives with my parents but when i tried to sit with her she refused. in our relationship previous to the engagement it’s always been very one sided, me being the one initiating texting or asking how they’re doing etc. and now it’s just grown worse
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Dedicated February 2021
Bethany · on July 5, 2020 at 1:06 AM
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I’m a very sensitive and fragile person so i’m scared to bring it up because i know i’m going to get hurt and i also don’t want to hurt anyone else even though removing them is probably in my best interest. i’m just scared i’ll suck it up and keep them in to avoid the confrontation but end up miserable on my day so i’m torn.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on July 5, 2020 at 1:13 AM
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Follow your gut and ask your fiance to back you up. You mentioned that you want the day to be stress free and not include them because of their disrespect and hostility when you reached out to them prior to this, so you answered your own question. They are not going to be hurt by not being included because they made it clear they don't want to be involved. Do whatever you can to have a happy day for you and your fiance. Pick your closest best friend who is happy for you as your attendant and call it a day. No one else's opinions matter.
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on July 5, 2020 at 2:22 AM
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I agree with PPs to absolutely not feel obligated to include anyone in your WP, especially not people who aren't happy for you, don't support you, and won't make your day happy. I totally understand wanting to avoid confrontation, I've been like that most of my life, but at some point I decided not standing up for myself was more damaging than anything anyone could dole out, and finally standing up for myself got some individuals to finally back off. It's going to be rough, but I'm sure it will feel like a huge weight has been lifted once you get it over with. If they are already causing this much drama for you, how much worse will it get as your day approaches? Wedding planning is stressful enough, pick people who are excited and actually want to be part of your day.
Also, from what you've said, you seem to be the only one interested in having any kind of relationship. Sometimes when people act like that, it's better to let them walk away. I get that they are your sisters and will always be your sisters, but it sounds like there is a lot for all of you to work through and you can't fix a relationship that the other person isn't interested in fixing. Maybe some space would help and you can all try to revisit the issues you have when everyone is more willing to work on things.
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Expert July 2022
Elmarose · on July 5, 2020 at 4:03 AM
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Honestly it is your wedding. You already seem to have a very rough relationship with them now and it's not even close to all your activities you will have coming up. Your bridal party is so important because those will be the women who will pick you up, be there for you, and celebrate events with you every step of the way. I personally wouldn't include them and I wouldn't really need to even explain to them why I am not including them, since they have been so rude to me and my Fiancé which is completely intolerable and they will learn quickly that stuff like that just isn't to go by unseen. You don't want their negativity and disrespect to ruin your engagement and your process before your wedding. If they don't understand you then that's on them but let's say they have a change of heart and you can see they mean well for you then I would say include them. best wishes, and congratulations!
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on July 5, 2020 at 4:52 AM
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You are not obligated to include them, and there clearly is no reason to do so. You aren’t close with them and they are completely unsupportive. Their comments are both rude and selfish. That is the opposite of what a bridal party should be. If they are included, they will make things more difficult than they need to be. I would invite them to the wedding but not include them by beyond that, not even in conversation. They don’t deserve that, nor do they seem to care about it at all.
If you haven’t asked them to be in the bridal party, it doesn’t count as removing them. You should be asking those who will love and support you and lift you up. These two will only bring you down, and you don’t deserve it. If they get upset about you asking other people and not them, it won’t be from a place of hurt feelings and wanting to be part of your big day. They’ll be upset because they feel entitled, and that’s a different thing entirely. You clearly have the best of intentions, but they don’t. They couldn’t even say congratulations which would have taken all of two seconds. If they can’t even do that, why should you suffer their rudeness in your bridal party?
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Super October 2020
Trisha · on July 5, 2020 at 6:09 AM
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You're Siblings Are Not Obligated To Be In Your Wedding Party. The Fact That They Don't Support You And Are Disrespectful Shows They Don't Deserve That Role. I Would Tell Them Straight Up No You Won't Be In My Wedding Party-I Do Not Want Nor Need That Type Of Disrespectful Negativity Around Me On My Wedding Day.
You Deserve To Be Surrounded By All Those Who Support You In Every Way.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on July 5, 2020 at 7:47 AM
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I definitely wouldn't ask them based on everything you have said. Your bridal party should consist of people that support your relationship. Obviously neither of your sisters are supportive and it honestly doesn't sound like they would care if they are in your wedding. I will say I definitely understand your struggles though. My former best friend was supposed to be my maid of honor, but it turned out she was talking about my husband and I behind my back. She never liked my husband. When I found out she tried to lie to me, but one of the people she said something to was my mom so I asked her if my mom was lying to me then and that's when she admitted she never liked him and didn't think we should get married. Needless to say we are no longer friends and she wasn't in our wedding. I also have a very difficult sister. She was in the wedding, but she made planning very difficult. Multiple times she said she wasn't going to be in the wedding or even attend. One week before the wedding she decided she wanted a different dress so I called numerous David's Bridals to find a dress in the right color and her size to buy then had it shipped to her. She had it altered, but the day before the wedding she attempted to throw a cigarette out her car window and it landed on the dress which created a burn mark that my sister-in-law used pins to hide. With all of that said, only pick people that you are close with, won't cause a lot of drama, and support your relationship.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on July 5, 2020 at 10:40 AM
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Just because they’re your siblings doesn’t mean that they’re obligated to be in your wedding party. You should have people who are happy for you, support your decision, and will make your day easier. If I were in the situation it would be an easy no for me. Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with them and let them know that being disrespectful and rude will not be tolerated that day at all.
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Dedicated January 2021
Amanda · on July 5, 2020 at 10:44 AM
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I have a rocky relationship with my siblings as well. They make things difficult and want it to be all about them. I choose to leave them both out of the wedding party and, as much as it sucks, their children as well. We decided that the stress and drama was no worth it on our big day. Instead I am putting them at a front table at the reception and will be in family photos. I hope this helps with your decision!
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Expert August 2020
Erin · on July 5, 2020 at 11:12 AM
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I’m so sorry you are going through this. Could you all maybe FaceTime, zoom, or webex to be on a video call together?
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Savvy May 2021
Ciera · on July 5, 2020 at 11:19 AM
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Do not let anyone bully you or make you feel obligated to have them in your wedding party just because they’re your sisters. They sound like spoiled brats and I wouldn’t even invite them to the wedding if it was me. I removed all toxic people from our life & our big day. It’s your wedding and you can do whatever you want. I also am a very sensitive person and don’t like to hurt people but you do not have to put up with that. Sister or not, you do not have to let people in your life just because they’re family. Hope all goes well.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 5, 2020 at 12:24 PM
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It doesn’t sound like you’ve officially asked them? I just wouldn’t bring it up. If they do later, you can say you didn’t ask because they didn’t seem to be interested or supportive of your marriage. I would NOT include them. Wedding planning is already stressful—no need to have toxic energy in your wedding party.

🤗
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Devoted August 2022
Sinaya · on July 5, 2020 at 2:22 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one is obligated to be in your wedding, and you definitely aren't obligated to have anyone in you're wedding just because you're related. If you haven't officially asked them, then they're just making the assumption they will be in it because you guys are sisters; it's not like you're kicking them out of the wedding. So in my opinion, no conversation even needs to be had unless they bring it up. Simply go forward with your plans to ask whoever else you want by your side on that day. It's definitely important to choose ladies who fully support you and your marriage. Your sisters would bring nothing but negative energy, stress, and frustration during the entire planning process. And when they disrespect your FH they are also disrespecting you; you guys become one in marriage; it's a package deal. I'm not suggesting you go this far with it, but I personally wouldn't even invite them to the wedding. This is a time where you and FH need to be supported and surrounded with love.
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Dedicated February 2021
Bethany · on July 5, 2020 at 4:18 PM
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Thank you so much for all of your inputs! after some reflection and talking to our pastor and his wife i’ve decided the best option is to leave them out of the wedding party. i’m fearful they may become spiteful and not come to the wedding but if that’s their choice as much as it will hurt me i have to put myself first and be a bit selfish which is a huge step for me.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on July 5, 2020 at 11:52 PM
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Putting yourself first does NOT make you selfish. Especially in this situation. I wouldn't even want them AT my wedding let alone in my bridal party, as the day is a celebration of the couple coming together. If they don't support it or don't care, why have them come? I have a sister that I haven't spoken to in years. She completely removed herself from the family, and even our dad understood and was supportive of my not inviting her. Family means more than just a blood relation. When you're an adult you get to pick your family. I'm sorry you're going through this. Be strong. Loving and being kind to yourself and your fiancé is NOT selfish. Hugs to you
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on July 6, 2020 at 3:45 PM
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I would not have either one of them in your wedding party. Being a sibling does not grant you the right to be a wedding party member. Your wedding party should be your nearest and dearest friends. It should be the people who support you and stand by you during everything. It does not sound like either of your sisters are those people. I would pick true friends to stand up next to you on your wedding day and let you sisters watch from with the other guests/family.
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