Shower Etiquette

I think that work showers and church showers are generally the exception to the "wedding invite = shower invite" rule. I do agree that your cousins shouldn't be invited to the shower though, unless they also attend your church. All you can do is tell your mother how uncomfortable this makes you feel and how rude it is, if she decides to still do it, she's only making herself look bad. I wouldn't worry about the woman from church unless she specifically mentions the wedding to you, then I would go with a general, "I wish we could invite everyone from the church, but unfortunately we're keeping our guest list to close friends and family only."

Aw I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My coworkers threw me a shower even though they weren't invited. That's pretty normal though. I would tell your mom that either she needs to explain to everyone she is inviting to the shower that the wedding is small and they will not be invited or she needs to cancel the church bridal shower. Ultimately, if she refuses to acknowledge these people will not be asked to attend the wedding, I would decline the church's offer. It's nice of them but if it's going to cause confusion and hurt feelings, it's not worth it.

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Yeah, I just don't want to be responsible for fielding the uncomfortable wedding invite questions when I didn't even want the shower to begin with.

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Fair points. I will ask her again to remove the 2nd cousins. They don't go to my church.

View Quoted Comment I would feel the same way! It's an awkward position to be in. Another option would be to have the shower close enough to the date of the wedding so there would be no confusion. If the shower was 2 weeks before the wedding, they would know at that point they weren't invited. 🤷‍♀️

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They set the date for July 28th. About a month out from the wedding. I feel like everyone should know by now whether they are invited or not. We sent save the dates and invites already.

The church members throwing you a shower is fine, but I wouldn’t add family members who aren’t invited to the wedding, especially if they aren’t members of the church.

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Agreed! I'm hoping I can convince my mom of this.

I would stand firm. Explain to people what happened. Apologize for the misunderstanding, and tell your Mom that "No", Means "No"

I understand this. My mom is throwing me a shower and has invited A LOT of her friends. They all know they aren't invited and that its a destination wedding but my mom plans on throwing a party when we get back (like a second reception) with an open bar and food for a lot of people that weren't invited. i wasn't sure how I felt about that but they have all reached out saying they really want to since they couldn't celebrate the actual day with us. The cousins I agree that would be a little weird. All my family is in NY and we live in FL so my shower will be some of my friends who are invited to the wedding and then my moms friends.

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I know my mom has good intentions. She is closer to the 2nd cousins than I am, so I know she is just trying to find some way to include them since I couldn't invite them to the wedding but still, it makes me uncomfortable. One of my second cousins told my mom she wanted to get me a gift and come to a shower regardless (she eloped so she understands more) so that made my mom feel like she had to invite this cousin's sister in law and so on.

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I think I would have your mom reach out and explain to the cousins that unfortunately it is a smaller more intimate event and she wants to include them in the shower if they want to be apart of it but needs them to understand that it doesn't change the situation. When I went to my Best friends bridal shower there were quite a few people there that weren't invited to the ceremony. She got married on a cruise in the grand Cayman. It was her parents and grandparents and sister and grooms parents siblings and grandparents and then myself and grooms best friend. I think people do tend to understand when its a smaller gathering and they know this from the get go. I think as long as your mom is upfront about the wedding your cousins (and the church) can make an adult decision on whether they want to participate in a bridal shower or not.

I agree- work/church showers tend to be an exception to the rule. But if someone asks, thank them for coming and giving a gift, but explain you had some restrictions and would like to see them after the wedding to celebrate.

When a group of brides friends ( or old neighbors, or choir, or co-workers, or sports group) who all know that they are not invited to the wedding, want to throw their own shower for the bride, never organized by bride's family or those who are invited to the wedding, that is fine. Very traditional, in fact. Usually they have a token present limit, where either everyone contributes $5-10, toward food served and a group gift. Or people get or make low cost presents, sometime several small groups of people per gift, again low dollar amounts. All fine. . . .But it has always been considered extremely bad manners for MOB or other person invited to have anything at all to do with the invitation list, or advocating for people to do this. Like saying yes for you, when you prefer not to have this group do it. Or like her suggesting that cousins be added to their group. They should have asked you, and not allowed your mom to be involved. You may decline e, saying you think they are thoughtful and kind to offer, but you would rather they not plan one for you. . . . Clearly, some of these people think they will be invited, likely an impression from your mom. Which means it is not a group who know that they are not invited to the wedding , but some under the impression they will be, likely because NO MOB with manners would get involved with planning unless it was for people she knew were receiving invitations. Your mom's involvement has made a mess of things, leading people on. You should contact this group quickly, say you heard through your mom, and politely decline, before they contact everyone, or pay for anything.
Work showers, and those given by other groups not invited, usually occur after invitations go out, so people know they are invited. Or when all have been informed, only family attending, or something definite. . .

Oh Boy! Well, there's really nothing you can do right now. If you have a coordinator, that's her job to make sure only the people that are on the list (invited) are allowed in. Indulge your mom, even if you have to keep saying under your breath that people weren't invited. Just make sure that your coordinator knows that only the list that you give her will have the invited guests only.

Ugh I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Parents can be difficult at times and likes to control things. If you aren’t comfortable with it then be honest and be firm. You shouldn’t be guilted into inviting people to your wedding. I’m not having a shower and we are doing a small wedding as well. I look at it this way if your mother wants them to be invited to the. Wedding then she should pay for them. My mom has many opinions but isn’t helping at all financially with the wedding so I take her advice but do what we want. I feel if anyone wants specific things then they need to be willing to help out a little bit. 🤷‍♀️

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I agree. My parents couldn't help financially so I had to plan the wedding that I could afford.

Update: Instead of a bridal shower, the church will be throwing me a housewarming shower since we are closing on our new house on Friday. That way, my mom's family can be invited without as much awkwardness about the wedding.

I had a shower thrown by co workers and I didn’t invite everyone I work with to the wedding. These people are just excited to celebrate you. They must know they are not invited to the wedding. I am sorry though that you are feeling uncomfortable. That is the worst ! All you can do is be gracious. The shower guests will know it was not your doing !