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Savvy October 2019

Should i tell my mom that i hate her dress?

Shelby, on September 27, 2019 at 5:57 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13

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For some context of our relationship, my mom and I are not super close. She was a “every other weekend, sometimes” parent and has had a lot of issues. She’s never really been a mother figure to me, so the bar is very low for my expectations. Several months ago, my mom and I discussed what she would wear to the wedding. I’m pretty nontraditional, so I told her she could pick out whatever, thinking she would at least have the common sense to pick something appropriate for her role as the MOB. She asked if she could wear a nice pantsuit since she doesn’t usually prefer dresses, and I told her that sounded great! I was truly 100% okay with her wearing a pantsuit. Come to find out from my maternal grandmother last weekend that my mom decided to go pick out a dress without telling me and it looks like a toddler dress. The top half is black, scoop neck, half-sleeve; the bottom is a box-pleat above the knee taffeta skirt with blue, white, and black stripes. Mind you I am having a fall wedding at a ballroom, and I’m trying to set a fairly elegant tone for the event. I feel as though the dress she picked is entirely too informal for the MOB and she is going to look out of place next to the rest of mine and my FH’s family. Do I have the authority to tell her she needs to pick something more appropriate for her role or stick with the original suit idea? Or should I avoid the potential drama and just stick her in the back of the photos/take waist-up photos with her so you won’t see her dress? TIA!

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13 Comments

Latest activity by MrsD, on September 30, 2019 at 1:22 PM

Master May 2021
Cristy · on September 27, 2019 at 6:02 PM
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You might have a conversation with your mom, to let her know that her dress isn't as formal/dressy as you had envisioned for the MOB. If you feel comfortable doing so, maybe show her some pictures of dresses that are more elegant, or more what you had in mind.
However, since you two aren't close, that opinion may not be well received. In that case, I wouldn't fight it too hard. Let her do what she wants. If she looks foolish, that's on her, not you.
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Devoted April 2020
Sabrina · on September 27, 2019 at 6:09 PM
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I would let it go especially if your mother feels comfortable in it. It may not be worth the hassle if it cause you two to fall out even more.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on September 27, 2019 at 6:16 PM
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A part of me would tell her and a part of me would just let her be. I think the bigger part of me would let her just wear what she wants though.
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Savvy October 2019
Lauren · on September 27, 2019 at 6:31 PM
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Let it go. It’s rude to tell her you hate her dress. She obviously likes it.
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Master January 2021
AshleyR · on September 27, 2019 at 6:31 PM
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I would just tell her that the dress is beautiful and it looks great on her, but it doesn’t match the formality of the event and you don’t want her to end up feeling underdressed or uncomfortable on the day of. Then leave it up to her to decide what to do.
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Super October 2020
Renee · on September 27, 2019 at 6:40 PM
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I think you should sit down and tell her the dress is nice but you were thinking of something a little bit more formal/elegant. What if she thinks it's appropriate, shows up to the wedding, and feels out of place/under dressed/embarrassed? It could be awkward for her. Maybe offer to go shopping with her and get lunch? That way you can make sure she finds something nicer for your wedding
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Devoted September 2020
Teresa · on September 27, 2019 at 6:54 PM
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I think you should let it go. Especially if you told her to wear whatever she'd like. You would be going back on your word. Besides you have other things to worry about. I feel like us as women get so caught up on the smallest details & need to remember what this day is really about. You will be fine, just relax & let it go.
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on September 27, 2019 at 9:50 PM
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If she’s happy with it, I would let it go. You don’t seem super concerned about pictures with her, and most that you take with her will be either waist up or in a group where you can somewhat hide the dress. Have you seen the dress in person yet? Sometimes it can be hard to accurately describe things, so maybe it’s not as bad as you think. But either way, I think I would put the argument aside. If you’re not close with her and being that she sounds off to begin with, I can’t imagine people expecting much else from her. If you want to give her the chance to change dresses, let her know what other family members will be wearing and let her decide from there.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on September 27, 2019 at 10:21 PM
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You told her to get what she wanted, so she did. If you wanted to dictate her attire, you should have done it before she spent money on a dress.
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Master 0000
Judith · on September 28, 2019 at 9:59 AM
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It is proper for any family or guests to dress as formally as the WP, or one step less formal. MOB or MOG are guests, not WP, and this applies to them. And brides and groom's are not supposed to choose anything but the level of formality for WP and style of wedding. Which means that if you are doing black tie, she needs to be in a floor length formal. But if you are going formal, she can go one step down, a dressy material like taffeta, knee length cocktail ( or daytime tea length) if she does not want to go formal. And you would be out of line saying you do not like the color and style. She does not have any responsibility to match your style in any way at all, or to meet any vision of yours. So drop it. It does not sound as though there is enough warmth or give and take here for her to take your advising her as anything but insulting. And I am sure you do not want that. . . . Often brides say, well I am unconventional and not big on etiquette, so that is what I will do anyway. But you need to remember that the other person, who is older, may know conventional etiquette, and that it has always been considered insulting for Brides to dictate dress of guests and family. And anytime including weddings, it is insulting for a child to dictate to their parents and grandparents. So however you feel, if the result may be her feeling totally insulted, that is a line not to cross.
🙂
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Savvy October 2019
P · on September 28, 2019 at 8:22 PM
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I don’t agree with most of these responses. Then again, some families are more sensitive than others. Don’t make it a big thing. Just tell her it’s not a formal dress and offer to help her find another dress so she can look her best for her baby girl. She might not even love the dress she has but had difficulty finding one without a second opinion. IFFF she sounds offended then let her know the dress she has is fine.
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Super October 2021
Nicole · on September 29, 2019 at 6:24 PM
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I think the best approach is to simply tell her its not as formal as the majority of people at the event will be. It is then up to her to remain under dressed or find something else.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on September 30, 2019 at 1:22 PM
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I would just let her pick whatever she wants to wear. It isn't worth it & no one will notice. You could maybe show her what your fiance's mother is wearing or grandparents, so she can make the determination herself if it's nice enough or not.
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