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Dedicated July 2020

Should i Tell Him

Stacey, on January 13, 2020 at 11:13 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
My mom went with my fiance and I when we toured our wedding venues. The one I really loved we were unsure if we could afford it. We asked them for a custom package. A few days ago I got into an argument with my mom and she let it slip that she paid for some of the extra things we wanted so that I could have the venue of my dreams. She hadn't planned on ever telling me, but she was just so upset. The problem is that my fiance would be furious if he found out. He would feel like we owned them something in return and he hates feeling like that. My mom asked me not to tell him and she said the only thing she and my dad want is for us to have an amazing wedding. I hate keeping this from him, but I know it will cause nothing, but I fight. What should I do?

18 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on January 16, 2020 at 11:24 AM
  • Jessie
    Devoted September 2020
    Jessie ·
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    Don't start your marriage off with a lie. Tell him it was their wedding gift from your parents, and tell your parents they don't have to get you an actual wedding gift. And "traditionally" the bride's parents do pay for the wedding. So I can see why your mom wanted to do it.
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  • N
    Master January 2015
    null ·
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    I agree with this 100%. Definitely don't keep this from your fiancé, even if it is to avoid an argument. Nothing good comes out of keeping secrets, especially because this will likely come out sooner or later.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    You should be upfront and honest with your future spouse about everything. Secrets always come to light and it will cause much more of a fight than being honest in the first place.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Tell him. He's going to be your husband and if he finds out from someone else he'll be upset.
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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    Ok I'm the minority here but DO NOT tell him. As u put it - will cause nothing but a fight and it's a done deal. Your parents didn't ask you first, you were not even supposed to find out so you could end up PAYING for something you had nothing to do with. If he's anything like my husband he wouldn't even notice all the extras the day of.
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    Agreed. If he can’t accept a gift, he needs to learn to get over his pride. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help.
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  • Nikki
    Dedicated December 2020
    Nikki ·
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    I want to give a middle-ground suggestion. You shouldn't tell him. You should let your parents tell the both of you. It is a gift from them to you and your FH. If you all keep it a secret from him, he may feel betrayed. At the same time, because it is a gift your parents have given, I think they should tell you both, at the same time. Even though you already know, you'll probably want to be there too when they tell your FH. He should not feel like he "owes" them anything. If he does, then tell him that he owes it to your parents a life full of love and support to you, and to treat you right. (I'm sure that is all they would ask for in return anyways!) I think that he should feel grateful, not furious, that your parents are willing to help, even if it's just one small thing!

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    I agree with Jessie- make this a wedding present from your parents. I understand your FH not wanting to accept monetary help from his in-laws, but it would be irrational and rude to be upset about them giving you a wedding gift. I would definitely tell him about it right away though. You don’t want it coming out later and him knowing you withheld information from him. That will make it so much worse!
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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
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    Tell him. I'm your fiance in this situation. I've been independent and paying all my bills since I moved out of my parents house and went to college. My FH is a mama's boy and they've helped him ALOT along the way. They've given him money to bail him out of sticky situations before and it drives me crazy. If you tell him now, he might surprise you and just thank them for contributing to the day.

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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I agree with PPs. It was their wedding gift. You didn't ask for it. And it's already done. Better to tell the truth in this case.
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  • K
    Dedicated October 2019
    KAREN ·
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    Definitely tell him. Sounds like it's your parents' wedding gift to you (which is lovely), so maybe if you frame it that way it won't be as difficult for him to accept.

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  • Angel
    Expert August 2020
    Angel ·
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    I don't think you need to tell him at all. It's not a "secret" you're keeping from him, it was supposed to be a surprise for the both of you. If you think he'd be pleasantly surprised to see you happy about the extras, then don't fret. Unfortunately, my fiancé is the same way and often feels like he owes people if something was done for him. But, that shouldn't result in a fight. That's so awesome that your mom wanted to surprise you with some extras.

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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Yup, Melle is right.

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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I agree with the [vast] majority: don't lie to your future spouse. Aside from the fact that he will likely find out anyway and then it will be worse, AND lying is a terrible way to start a marriage, the fact that you don't want to tell him because you think he will be furious (at you??) if he finds out is actually a red flag.


    You should be able to discuss uncomfortable, unpleasant things with your spouse without fear of repercussions. And he should be able to control his temper about something that isn't even your doing.


    I would think really hard about this and what this means about your relationship. Tell him. And then consider his reaction and decide if that is something you want to live in fear of for the rest of your life.

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  • S
    Dedicated July 2020
    Stacey ·
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    He wouldn't be furious with me. He would be furious with my parents which would only cause more issues.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    OK. If you think that's enough reason to lie than, that is your choice. I personally prioritize honest communication in my relationship, but everyone is different.

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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    You know your situation better than anyone else. If you know it will cause more issues, don't tell him. If ever comes up, act surprised lol
    It is not lying, it's not starting a marriage with a lie, it's being sensitive to everyone's feelings and emotions. Sometimes saying nothing is the best policy. By telling him you might get to some level of self righteousness but at what cost...
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  • Nicole
    Super October 2021
    Nicole ·
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    I agree! definitely don't go into your marriage lying to your husband. It's a small lie, but if it goes undiscussed for years it could turn into something much bigger.

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