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Savvy October 2020

Should i invite my father?

Randi, on July 31, 2019 at 8:24 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

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So. My father went through a downward spiral last October. He went from being an AMAZING father for 19 years to someone I didn’t even know. It wasn’t good.. He severely damaged our relationship as well as my mental health and ruined his with my fiancé (who I’ve been with since I was a sophomore in high school).

So here’s my question: Should I invite him to the wedding. I think I’ve had enough time to forgive him and want to try to start talking again (though I am terrified to) and talk to my fiancé about inviting him. I know one side is going to be “Of course! It’s your dad!” But I was set on not inviting him because of all of the pain he caused. What breaks my heart, and I think is what is making me rethink my decision, is the thought of having to tell him I can’t let him come. Or the fact I won’t get the father daughter dance or even my father walking me down the aisle.. I’m very torn so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Anna, on August 1, 2019 at 12:35 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 31, 2019 at 9:10 PM
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You still have a lot of time to decide this so instead of worrying about the wedding, reach out to him to meet for coffee or lunch to just talk if you want. Don’t rush the decision to invite or not invite him.
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on July 31, 2019 at 9:23 PM
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I agree with Sarah. You don’t have to decide now, figure out if you two can repair and rebuild your relationship, take things slow, and go from there. Family issues are difficult, I understand.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on July 31, 2019 at 9:46 PM
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I agree that since you have time I would start with meeting him and starting a discussion and see where it goes. You don’t have to decide right now but I would want to give it a chance to heal if you can. You may regret at least not trying.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on July 31, 2019 at 10:51 PM
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As PPs said, give it time before you make a final decision. I hope everything works out for the best!
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Expert January 2020
Abby · on July 31, 2019 at 11:56 PM
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I am so sorry you’re going through this. I decided to not invite either of my fathers (my biological father and my step father). My step-father was great up until I was about 13 then he just all the sudden was a real mean and hateful guy (he doesn’t even know my fiancé).
If you think it will cause you stress with him being there. Or if you think you’d be fine without him there. It’s okay to not invite him. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean anything. You don’t need to feel guilty or bad because you don’t want someone there. Do what makes you feel best. That day is about you and your fiancé. Make sure only people that make you happy and loved are surrounding you.
Good luck☺️ I wish you the best!!
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Dedicated August 2019
Susan · on August 1, 2019 at 7:41 AM
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I feel you so much on this! My father was a fin dad until I turned 18, when he left my mom when she got really sick (I ended up taking care of her) to pursue 20 something year olds and pretty much cut off contact with me. He also developed a serious drinking problem and would seemingly only contact me when he was super drunk, sometimes asking me what bars to go to to meet women. He's now with his new wife (who is 30 years old) and wants to be "back in my life" but doesn't make any effort.
I decided to invite him anyway. I am not sure what I want our relationship to look like in the future, but I feel like not inviting him determines there will be that wound for the rest of our lives. I am still not sure I made the right decision having him there, but I think either way it wouldn't be perfect, because our relationship is not perfect nor will it ever be.
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Dedicated April 2020
Mariah · on August 1, 2019 at 9:33 AM
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My FH has this issue with his mom. He went alone to her house to speak with her. He told her that if she doesnt change and realize the poor decisions shes made, then he doesnt want her to be part of his life anymore.
Basically she got mad and made a bunch of excuses so he told her thats it, he's done. It makes me sad for him cause I know he sees what a difference my mom is than his. But he said that shes not invited to the wedding, even when I try to mention it again. Like babe we should invite her... he still says no. So definitely try to talk to him, see if he can redeem himself. If not, then just let it go.
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Savvy October 2020
Randi · on August 1, 2019 at 11:05 AM
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That’s essentially what happened to us! He left my mom for a woman he knew in high school and started drinking very heavily to the point where he threatened his son because he was so drunk. The woman wanted him to have no contact with my mother, my brother, or myself and would harass my mom because “she won”.

I was the the only one he wouldn’t contact while he was in rehab. He did leave her, but he still drinks and realizes that he messed up from what he can remember. The last time he tried to contact me was in June on my birthday, it put me in a panic attack and I couldn’t respond..
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Just Said Yes June 2020
Madison · on August 1, 2019 at 11:07 AM
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Not knowing all of the details here, I would say that if your father truly had sudden behavioral changes, I would encourage (accompany) him to see a doctor.
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Dedicated August 2019
Susan · on August 1, 2019 at 12:16 PM
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It sucks so bad to realize that there is no "right" or "good" decision here. For my dad, I imagine he cut off contact because he felt really guilty about what he did and that might have also contributed to his drinking. But those were his decisions, not mine. I believe we have no obligations to our parents. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of experiences with my parents to come to that conclusion (I am 30 now). I don't currently like who he is as a person and I do not trust him. Unless I see change and consistency, I don't feel like putting energy into a relationship that he is not putting energy into. It's okay to not like your dad and it's okay to not have a relationship with him because of that! I took my time deciding and really talked it out with friends and my therapist. I decided to have him in part because I will not be spending any time with him (he's not invited to the rehearsal dinner, no father daughter dance, I'm walking down the aisle alone and he's at a table far away from me). When I see him now, I get a little internally angry. If this were 10 years ago, right after he cut off contact and left me to take care of my mother, I would absolutely not have invited him. This is your wedding, if when you are sending out invitations it causes this level of pain, that's a big piece of information to listen to.
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Devoted September 2020
Anna · on August 1, 2019 at 12:35 PM
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It’s a personal choice only you can make but I can give an example based on what I observed in my fiance’s family. My future husband is one of three siblings. Each of them have no relationship with their father who was and continues to be an unemployed alcoholic. Their parents are still married and living under one roof but everyone treats him like crap. FI’s sister just married few moths ago. She hates her father most out of all siblings. In the 6 years I’ve known them she has never even uttered a word to him. She did not invite him to the wedding. He threw a fit about it the day before, started crying and causing scene. I spoke up and told my FI that he needs to talk to his dad to get his crap together and not miss the most important day of his daughters life. He ended up going but not walking her down the aisle.
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