I have two brothers and I am the middle child. I have had mostly a good upbringing but my older brother has had a history with anger issues. So much that it can get physical. I’ve seen him over the years put holes in walls, throw phones on the floor, smash a car window with my dad on the other side and fight with my dad. In adulthood (his 30s) he hit my younger brother on one occasion on holiday and on the latest occasion he tried to strangle my younger brother saying “I’m going to kill you”. This was the last straw for my younger brother and me.
Following that, for a year we battled with my parents and older brother to try and make real change. We tried family therapy, but after one session the family believed the job was done. My older brother told my younger brother and me that we were “dead to him”; that if we didn’t attend Christmas with him and his family we won’t have a relationship with our niece; that if communication didn’t improve in a family FB group chat the violence won’t stop; amongst other horrible things. Ultimately, both my older brother and his wife, and my mum and dad, were united in their response: 1. “You’re all as bad as each other” 2. “That’s what brothers do” 3. “Family is unconditional” 4. “He doesn’t mean what he says”. We felt trapped.
It has been two years since the latest incident and as a family we’ve papered over the cracks but I am not convinced the problem with my brother’s control of his anger has improved. Although I have worked to try and rebuild a relationship with my older brother, my younger brother and he are not talking.
Now, my fiancé and I are getting married. I know it’s supposed to be our day and we can do what we want, but planning our wedding has been an unhappy experience because we are torn on whether to invite my brother or not. We want a small intimate wedding but do not feel we would be at our happiest if my older brother was there. Simply because we would be worried that something kicks off. However, not inviting him may destroy the entire family.
We recently told my parents we weren’t going to include him for the intimate day of our wedding and that we would hold a much larger celebration with extended friends and family next year that he could attend as we don’t feel we can risk our smaller intimate wedding day. My parents did not give us a response with much empathy. Instead, they told us “if you want to have a relationship with your brother, his wife and your niece, you need to work this out with them”, "he has been good on other occasions" and "do you really think he will do something on your wedding day?". A fair response, but our wedding day is not about anyone but my fiancé and me. It’s about safeguarding the day. I would try my best to say that the decision is hard and we aren’t rejecting my brother. I cannot control how my brother and his family react. And I struggle to comprehend why my fiancé and I need to be the ones to work this out just to invite them to our wedding? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
The other complication is that my fiance does not want my brother there at all. I think I owe it to her to give her the day that she wants. I am torn.
Am I overreacting? Should I just invite my brother to protect everyone else’s feelings? Or is it reasonable to protect our day, even if it comes at a cost to those relationships?
