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Should i delay my wedding & ttc for 6 months because my parents want me to?

Layla, on June 3, 2021 at 2:55 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 17

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Basically, my fiancé and I want to get married ASAP (like the end of this month) in a very small ceremony (immediate family only followed by a brunch/lunch) but my parents are trying to convince us to wait until after my sister's wedding (5 months away), so at least 6 months from now, and to have something more formal/‘special’ at that time, because my mom has a lot going on at work (working nights & weekends for her day job), she’s getting surgery over the summer, and she’s very busy planning my sister's wedding that has been ‘in the works’ since last November (it’s a giant wedding).
All I want is to get married and start TTC. We would have gone to the courthouse by now if it wouldn’t cause a family meltdown. My mom doesn’t understand why we’re ‘rushing’, even though I’ve tried to explain it many times- I’ve been waiting to start a family for 3 years, ever since I knew I wanted to marry my partner, I’ve just been waiting for him to get emotionally/mentally ready which he is now. I want to have a lot of kids, and want to start as soon as possible.
My mom also said I really shouldn't get pregnant before my sister's wedding because then I would be standing up with my sister as Maid of Honor while being pregnant, and it would look bad to people, as in people would judge our family and think I had a shotgun wedding, or wonder why I couldn’t just wait a few months. I truly don’t care what anyone who would judge me for being pregnant would think about it. She also brought up that she already bought me my MoH dress, which she insisted on at the time. I told her I’m not going to delay stating my family just bc of a dress, or how it’ll ‘look’ to her family and friends.
My fiancé's parents also think we should get married and start TTC as soon as we’re ready. They’re nothing but supportive, but my mom says that’s just bc they’re the parents of the groom, and it’s different with daughters.
I’m wondering if you think my parents are right in that I should delay my wedding/TTC by 6 months, or if this really isn’t their call. I can see both sides, but I feel that at the end of the day, she was able to have her life and her wedding (multiple, actually) and I should have the final call on when I start a family. My parents told my fiancé and me that they would always feel some amount of animosity toward us if we get married & have a baby sooner than they want us to, but I also don’t think I’d forgive my parents for manipulating me into delaying my life events for half a year because they are too busy and think it's wrong for me to get married before my sister. Btw, my sister told me that she does not mind, but my mom said she's just being nice about it. Any advice would be really helpful.️

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on June 4, 2021 at 10:18 PM

Champion December 2022
Michelle · on June 3, 2021 at 3:01 PM
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Mom needs to mind her own business. You need to set boundaries and maintain them. Have consequences for crossing those lines. Only you and fiancé get to decide what your life plans and timeline are. No one else is allowed to pressure or guilt you into anything you don’t want.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on June 3, 2021 at 3:04 PM
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My opinion is that it's your life not your family's so do what you want. It took my husband and I a year to conceive. I was on ovulation medicine during part of that time (5 months) because I was unexpectedly diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome which can make it more difficult to get pregnant on your own. My family made comments about waiting until Covid was more under control but we had no idea when that be and didn't want to put our lives on hold so I totally understand why you feel pressured because my family made me feel that way too at times.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on June 3, 2021 at 3:06 PM
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No. You’re an adult and if you’re mature enough for a child you do not need to do so on your parents preferred timeline.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on June 3, 2021 at 3:09 PM
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You should get married when you want to get married, not when someone else thinks you should.
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Super December 2020
Anais · on June 3, 2021 at 3:20 PM
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As long as both of you are ready, financially, mentally and physically, there’s no need to wait. Your mom is absolutely overreaching
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Devoted March 2022
Apryl · on June 3, 2021 at 3:25 PM
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These type of decisions should only be made by you and FH.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on June 3, 2021 at 3:41 PM
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The bottom line for everything you wrote is this: only the two people getting married and having children should decide on the timing of the wedding and the procreating. As long as you two are absolutely on the same page and are planning a wedding you can afford, then move forward with confidence.
"My parents told my fiancé and me that they would always feel some amount of animosity toward us if we get married & have a baby sooner than they want us to..."
This statement is so sad to me. Your parents are REALLY overstepping and it's likely they won't ever admit this. They will probably eventually come around (because people do get over things and move on), but you will have to let them do that in their own time.
I think it's important for you to accept that there is no reason you can give your parents that will change their minds, so stop trying. Just stop having this conversation with them. Change the subject, hang up the phone, leave the room, whatever it takes! That conversation isn't doing any of you any good.
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Dedicated October 2021
Megan · on June 3, 2021 at 3:48 PM
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What everyone else said. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your parents come across very selfish and, um, like not-so-good people.
No one has any say about the timeline of your life (ESPECIALLY TTC, holy mother of god) except you and your fiancé. The fact that they think their entitled to... I highly, highly suggest doing some reading (The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engle, to start. maybe Protecting the Gift when it comes to child rearing) and possibly getting into therapy to understand why you're even considering letting other people dictate your life and how you can draw hard, healthy, *necessary* boundaries here.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on June 3, 2021 at 4:12 PM
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Yikes. Your mom needs some lessons in healthy boundaries. The timeline of when you and your partner get married and start TTC is entirely between the two of you. Also, I have never heard of anyone looking sideways at a married pregnant woman at a wedding. And if they have a problem with it, they can go kick rocks. My unmarried but coupled (scandalous!) MOH was 6 months pregnant at my wedding. No one cared other than saying congrats and asking when the baby is due. If they wanna harbor animosity, great, they can enjoy being on the outside while your future in-laws get to reap the benefits of supportive, fun grandparents and get all the grand baby snuggles without having to share.
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Devoted March 2021
whirlwind · on June 3, 2021 at 4:15 PM
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I had to laugh at this sentence " My parents told my fiancé and me that they would always feel some amount of animosity toward us if we get married & have a baby sooner than they want us to". I don't think your mom can control when you have a baby. Even you yourself only have limited control over that. You can control however when you start TTC and really that's only between you and your husband. None of mom's business, what so ever ... Sounds like she hasn't gotten used to the fact that her daughters are adults.

As far as the wedding. While I understand that you are impatient to get married and start a family in the grand scheme of things six months more or less don't make a difference.
I would maybe talk with your sister since she gets married in November and make sure that the small wedding really is what you and fiance want and won't regret later that you didn't have a big wedding. If your sister is getting married in 5 months and you don't get pregnant on your first ttc cycle you probably won't even show. So, I would not worry to much about that.

Weddings are also highly emotional. It might be harder on your mom than you think that's she is going to "lose" both girls at once. Plus the wedding preparations also help everyone involved to prepare for the changes and process the emotions. Maybe it's hard for your mom that she doesn't have that time with you because everything is happening so fast and she is sad for what she is going to miss out on with a small rushed wedding. And it sounds like that she also struggles with it because that's not how it's done in her circles.
Anyways, it's you and your FH's wedding and your life. So your decision. I don't agree how your parents are acting but you should take your future relationship with them into consideration. Maybe sit down with them and have a consideration where you avoid the "you are wrong and I am right and I can do what I want" but validate their concerns and emotions but also try to help them understand you and tell them how much you long for their support and them being happy for you.
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Super December 2021
Alyssa · on June 3, 2021 at 10:30 PM
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Tell mom to shove off and have the wedding you want. Even if you got pregnant tomorrow which would be unlikely, you wouldn’t be huge by November.
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Savvy July 2022
Emily · on June 3, 2021 at 11:06 PM
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I guess I’m in the minority here, but why can’t you wait 5 months lol? Granted, I’m in no way ready to have kids and planning my wedding 2 years in advance, so I have a totally different perspective. I just think it’s such a short amount of time to wait, so why not? It gives you more time to save money, putting it off to have a bigger wedding you’ll get more gifts to prep for this big life change, you’ll keep your parents happy, and you don’t outshine your sister... I don’t know, I feel like it’s obvious to just wait a few more months. It’s ultimately you and your FH’s decision, but it seems like getting pregnant now on purpose would just be way more trouble than it’s worth? I mean unless you have some medical reason that you should start TTC earlier than later, I just don’t see the rush. But again, totally your decision.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on June 4, 2021 at 3:24 AM
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Are you asking if your mother should have control over you, as an adult, and your legal and health decisions?
If we frame it that way, I think you have your answer.
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Devoted October 2021
Gabby · on June 4, 2021 at 5:12 AM
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She shouldn't have to wait because she's an adult. It's not her problem if people can't deal with their emotions over her getting married now and having a baby.
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NewEnglandSettler · on June 4, 2021 at 7:13 AM
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This is the second time in 3 weeks you’ve posed the same question. I think you should look inward and just make a decision. If as you said before, you want a small amount of people present (opposed to the 2 of you just going to the courthouse) ... pick a date, send invites/notify your guests and go with it.

Your sister doesn’t have a problem with your decision and you don’t need to explain it to death to your mother. She’s in deep planning your sister’s event, you’re not looking for financial help from her - just give her the date and place and tell her that you hope she’ll attend and leave it at that.
Good luck.
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Layla · on June 4, 2021 at 8:22 AM
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Thank you. I thought I was describing it wrong the first time because the advice I was getting was so different from what my parents are telling me. I know what I have to do now!
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Judith · on June 4, 2021 at 10:18 PM
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Next time your mom gets married, she can set the terms. This manipulation she is trying to do now is disgusting. Making it look like family and community will be upset if she a married woman is pregnant at her sister's wedding? What is wrong with that? A friend of mine in similar distress from mom simply scheduled her 16 people, with no invitation for mom and dad. Mom for her manipulation and divisiveand dad for quiestly tolerating the garbage. Next thing you know, mom is calling around to see if they saved seats for them. Yes, if they vowed to shut up about what is not their business.
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