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Just Said Yes December 2017

Should i be offended?

Hmmm, on November 14, 2021 at 11:19 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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So my husband and I have been together for many years, well over a decade and we got married almost 4 years ago. We had a small wedding party, 4 people on each side. Our wedding was out of town so I did not ask one of my future sister in laws (husbands brothers wife) to be in the wedding because he was and they at the time had a baby under 1. I also didn't ask my brothers gf to be a bridesmaid because they have 2 young kids, one a toddler and since my brother was in it the wedding they wouldn't have anyone to watch the kids. Except my parents who were also in the wedding. Also I only had the people next to me who have been there for me for majority of my life- best friends for 10 years plus. Fast forward 4.5 years. My husband is asked to be a groomsman in my brothers wedding, I'm not asked however. I wouldn't say my future sister in law are besties but we text several times a week and we see each other at least once per week. I'm a big part of their kids lives. I'm trying not to be offended but it feels like a purposeful thing that she excluded me especially because during the planning process she was leaning on me consistently for advice and help. Am I reading into this too much? Any suggestions here?

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Latest activity by Kari, on November 20, 2021 at 3:15 PM

Master July 2019
Hannah · on November 14, 2021 at 11:26 PM
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I think you may be reading too much into it. There may be a million different reasons why she didn't choose you. Maybe she opted to just have some of her closest friends. Maybe she doesn't feel you two are as close as you believe. Maybe she is bitter. Either way, I would just let this go and enjoy the wedding as a guest. Honestly, being a guest is sometimes far easier and more fun.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on November 14, 2021 at 11:56 PM
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Your SIL is under no obligation to make you part of the bridal party and the fact that you are family or that your husband is a groomsman doesn't create such an obligation either.
Of course that doesn't mean that not being included in the bridal party stings any less if you thought you would be, and your disappointment is totally valid, but I wouldn't voice it or act on it otherwise.
It sounds to me like your SIL wants some words of wisdom with wedding advice since you've already been through it yourself. She has her own reasons for not making you part of the bridal party but that doesn't mean that it was anything personal. If anything, she's done you a favour since its such a tedious effort to be in the bridal party!
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on November 15, 2021 at 2:43 AM
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You're definitely reading into it too much, maybe you aren't considered one of her closest friends and there perfectly fine. But she's not obligated to have you in her wedding party.
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Super May 2022
Samantha · on November 15, 2021 at 7:27 AM
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I would be happy to be able to just enjoy the wedding as a guest without all the duties of BM!
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Expert October 2018
Janet · on November 15, 2021 at 9:50 AM
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"Our wedding was out of town so I did not ask one of my future sister in laws (husbands brothers wife) to be in the wedding because he was and they at the time had a baby under 1. I also didn't ask my brothers gf to be a bridesmaid because they have 2 young kids, one a toddler and since my brother was in it the wedding they wouldn't have anyone to watch the kids."
Do they know you chose to exclude them for these reasons? If you were to tell me I was excluded from the bridal party because I have kids and live too far away, I would be a little offended because these are not reasons to exclude those from the bridal party. Especially about the gf also being excluded from the wedding itself because she would have to watch kids. The only reason to not ask someone is they are not the people you can't imagine being by your side on your wedding day.

Just in general, no one, family or not is obligated to ask you to be in the wedding party. People have other friends and family outside of our own circles. My MOH is my best friend in my circle, but in hers, she has another best friend since childhood and other family members that she is just as close with or even closer than me. You may be reading too much into it
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Super July 2020
Cool · on November 15, 2021 at 11:31 AM
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You’re reading too much into it. You made your decisions for specific reasons, as did she. Even if it is out of spite, again, that’s their decision as it was for you to not include them. Regardless, letting this go is the only thing that will positively benefit you at this point.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on November 15, 2021 at 12:23 PM
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Definitely reading things that aren’t there. It’s interesting that you are experiencing what it is like in the other person’s shoes. Many couples don’t want in laws they aren’t BFFs with to fill the super intimate roles of bridesmaid/groomsman. When you are younger, you tend to want to include everyone you have ever talked to whether a relationship exists or not. As you get older, start having kids, the relationships become more intimate and you don’t want random obligatory people participating. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t part of your life outside the wedding. Many couples feel that only closest best friends innermost circle should be attendants and everyone else be a guest. If everyone is a maid of honor it loses its spark. Same applies to attendants vs guests. Many people don’t want to be in the wedding party because they prefer the role of guest where the only responsibility is to have fun. They don’t have to stand up on display or give toasts or spend extra money to show that they love and support you.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on November 15, 2021 at 1:10 PM
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I agree with everyone else that you are reading too much into this (as evidenced by all of your backstory about why you didn't choose people). At the end of the day, who is in a bridal party (and who isn't) is such a small thing. Feel your feelings (which I guess is offense), and then just decide to move on. Your life will be so much better if you learn to let things like this go.
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January 2014
Pam · on November 18, 2021 at 3:56 AM
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The only logical suggestion is to let it go. She can choose whomever she wants for her attendants. Bringing it up or getting upset about it only has potential for drama.
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Devoted February 2023
Elycia · on November 19, 2021 at 4:24 PM
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I feel like there are no obligations to make anyone a member of the wedding party, siblings and in-laws included. My fiance and I arent including any family, not because we dont like them, but because I have too many siblings and we wouldnt have any room for friends. I would never think of including his brother's wife or even my brother's wife because we're not super close.
When my brother got married he included one brother as a jr groomsman and the other two were ushers. His wife had 3 of my sisters in her wedding party and me and one other sister werent a part of it and I truly couldnt have cared less. She was closer with those sisters and its about who she wants to spend her time with, not who she feels like she "should" include.
Ultimately you really only have one option and thats to just get over it. You didnt include them, and if you think you had good reason then most likely so does she.
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Devoted February 2023
Elycia · on November 19, 2021 at 4:24 PM
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I feel like there are no obligations to make anyone a member of the wedding party, siblings and in-laws included. My fiance and I arent including any family, not because we dont like them, but because I have too many siblings and we wouldnt have any room for friends. I would never think of including his brother's wife or even my brother's wife because we're not super close.
When my brother got married he included one brother as a jr groomsman and the other two were ushers. His wife had 3 of my sisters in her wedding party and me and one other sister werent a part of it and I truly couldnt have cared less. She was closer with those sisters and its about who she wants to spend her time with, not who she feels like she "should" include.
Ultimately you really only have one option and thats to just get over it. You didnt include them, and if you think you had good reason then most likely so does she.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on November 20, 2021 at 3:15 PM
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You don't get to choose who the most important people in your FSIL's life are. There are any number of reasons why you might not be selected to be a bridesmaid.
Are you invited to the wedding? If yes, then leave it be. You don't need to be in the wedding party at all. She isn't obligated to include you (or anyone for that matter). You respect her choices and support her however you feel comfortable.
If you are excluded from the wedding entirely (or from events that would typically include the SO's of wedding party members, like the rehearsal dinner) then you would be right to feel slighted.
But as described, you are acting like you are entitled to be a VIP in someone else's wedding, which is simply not correct at all.
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