I
Just Said Yes May 2021

Should i ask my fiance's sister to be in my bridal party?

idk393, on October 31, 2019 at 11:52 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19
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I feel like I'm obligated to ask my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid, but there's a couple of reasons I'm hesitant.

1) Our personalities clash. We started off not having a great relationship because I started dating my fiance at age 20 (he was 21) and I think she viewed us as immature and stupid. Plus, she lives across the country so I only see her once a year for a couple of days. I'm now 25 and our relationship has definitely gotten better, but we're still not close. I still think she's condescending to me (and my fiance) since I'm so much younger

2) There's a big age difference between her and me/other potential bridesmaids. As I said above, I'm 25. The other potential bridesmaids I'd ask are all 25-27 (and all still in graduate school of some sort). She's 36 or 37 and has kids so she's in a totally different stage of her life

3) Everyone else I would be asking lives on the east coast within 3 hours of each other and our wedding would be on the east coast, since our families are from here. She moved to the west coast years ago. Not sure if this matters at all


The reasons I feel like I should ask her:

1) She's going to be my future sister in law, and even if we don't see each other frequently obviously I want to have a friendly relationship even if we're not super close

2) For her wedding, my fiance was a groomsman on her husband's side. IMO this is different than our situation because this was before her and her husband moved across the country, so my fiance actually saw him frequently

3) My fiance will probably have his brother as his best man so it'd probably be rude to not include her as well


TLDR: I think I should have her to be nice/PC, but I don't like her that much and think she's controlling/condescending to me since I'm so much younger. Advice?

19 Comments

  • Krista
    Savvy April 2020
    Krista ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you have to make her a bridesmaid! It sounds like you aren’t close and would be doing it out of obligation. I don’t think you should do anything from obligation. I’m not having my sister in my wedding party even though a few years ago I was her maid of honor. We are not close. She isn’t close or more than cordial to my fiancé, and I never feel so unloved or invalid as a person than with her! I did so much work for her and put so much money into her wedding, bridal shower, and bachelorette party when I had nothing for her to treat me like garbage. She constantly degrades made and I don’t need any of that on my wedding day! I want to stand up with person who loves me the most with the people who love and support me next to us!
    • Reply
  • M
    Devoted September 2019
    McKenzie ·
    • Flag

    Definitely don't do it because you feel like your obligated to, but if you want to take a big step and use this as an opportunity to get closer, I probably would. I would just have it in the back of my head that her role, will probably be a lot different than the other bridesmaids and she may be more hands off.

    Have you talked with your FH about it?

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Absolutely no need to have her in your wedding party. It is fine to have 1 sibling, but not others, in the wedding party. That sibling is standing up with your FI, his brother. If FI wants her there too, fine. But she is clearly not already a very close friend of yours. And both of you know it. Nobody likes to think they were chosen out of obligation by someone who does not want them. Let her be family, always honored guests at your wedding. Not a second best pity or obligation BM. It also is extremely expensive for her to travel to participate in anything but the wedding itself. So she would be left out in that way. Or spend a couple thousand dollars extra for 3-4 hour parties. Neither a good choice. Be cordial when you meet. Maybe make an effort to see them an additional time or two a year, so the siblings can be closer in fact. Have your others, close friends, as your bridal party.
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  • Ann
    Devoted September 2021
    Ann ·
    • Flag
    Don’t feel like you have to have her in your bridal party if it’s more of a chore than excitement don’t have her in it. Also Think of it this way, if your other friends in the bridal are so much younger than her and different than she is probably going to feel left out. In a sense your bridal party does need to get a long. Otherwise your gonna be so worried about them getting along you won’t have time to focus on what’s important.
    • Reply
  • G
    Dedicated August 2020
    Gean ·
    • Flag

    You really don't have to if u just feel obligated to do it, bridesmaids are supposed to be your closest friends and not someone u don't really know that well , and im sure all u wanna do is please everyone but this might go 2 ways either she'll be happy about it, or she'll be like she is immature and just invited people she doesn't know that well, so it really depends what kind of person she is !

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't make her a bridesmaid. If she isn't kind to you or your FH, then that's case closed right there. If she's offended by it, maybe she should take the time to ask herself why you didn't choose her. My FSIL is a bridesmaid, but we get along great. We aren't super close, but I'm hoping this will start our friendship outside of me and her brother so we can be close in the future. The only reasons you're considering her as a bridesmaid are feelings of obligation. While I completely understand where you're coming from, that's the WORST reason to choose someone. If you're really concerned, I would talk to FH with how he feels about it. If he feels it's a bad move, he could ask her to stand on his side if he feels like he wants her to be part of the wedding.

    • Reply
  • Brooke
    Expert November 2019
    Brooke ·
    • Flag

    It's up to you if you want her to be a bridesmaid! The way I see it, you should have the people you want to support your marriage moving forward beside you on your special day!

    I will be having my FSIL as a bridesmaid. We get along well, which might be a little different than your situation, but also since she is now going to be a part of my family as well.

    • Reply
  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    Why doesn’t your fiancé have her as a grooms woman?
    • Reply
  • Kelsey
    VIP September 2020
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't have her as a bridesmaid. My FSIL and I are in the same boat so to speak. She is significantly older than myself and in a different stage in her life compared to me and my friends. We get along decently but are in no way close or do we have a close relationship yet. She lives in a different state than we do, and she flat out refuses to visit us in our city. We have made the trip to see her on multiple occasions. I thought about making her a bridesmaid but I thought it best not to. Plus her 2 daughters are also flower girls and I didn't want to add more stress on top of that.

    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    Normally I think its super important to ask your future sibling-in-laws to be in the wedding, however, the one time I'm against it is when there's a big age gap. As a 36-37 year old woman with children, she's not going to have an interest in being a bridesmaid for someone 10 years younger that she extremely close with. I would just get her a corsage or something for the wedding to acknowledge her as the sister of the groom. I think she'll appreciate that

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  • A
    Master October 2019
    Angelena ·
    • Flag

    Depends. My brother and my now husband were never close but they got a lot closer now that my brother got to be a part of his groomsmen. I think it's great, because there was hardly a relationship there before. My brother and his longtime girlfriend also broke up like 2 weeks before our wedding so now he has time to "hang with the boys" and texts my husband. You don't have to if you truly don't want to but we did because as you said we are all family now.

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  • Laree's
    Devoted May 2020
    Laree's ·
    • Flag
    I would ask fh if he wants his sister included and go from there. If he feels like he wants his siblings to be apart of his big day, add her. If he doesn’t care one way or the other, then don’t. That’s what I did and he had no opinion one way or the other so I choose not to.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    You're not obligated to make anyone a BM! If you don't feel close enough, it's a good sign not to ask

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Dedicated July 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    Do you think there is a possibility it could make you guys closer? And maybe the clashing will stop now that she sees that you're serious about your relationship? I'm not super close with my FH's sister, but we get along when we're together and she is going to be my future sister in law so i decided to have her stand up. I'm not having my FH brother's wife stand up and that was a whole 'nother story.

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  • Cristy
    Rockstar May 2020
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    You should never choose your bridal party members out of obligation. The ladies you choose should be the nearest and dearest people in your life. Distance and convenience doesn't matter as much as relationships. You said right off the bat that you aren't close with her. So, that tells me you should NOT ask her to be a bridesmaid.

    There is no obligation to ask her, just because FH was in her wedding. Each person (bride and groom) is responsible for their own group. You will end up regretting the decision if you ask her.

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  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra Online ·
    • Flag
    I think this is probably a no. As others have said, a 36-37 year old with kids most likely won’t have time (regardless of interest) or budget to be a bridesmaid. While it doesn’t sound like you guys wanna go crazy, I wouldn’t think she’d be super interested. I wouldn’t ask her, and I don’t think you should feel bad about it.
    • Reply
  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer Online ·
    • Flag

    You're not required or obligated to have anyone, especially someone you are uncomfortable around. Perhaps you could include her children as ring bearer/flower girl, etc. instead, as I'm sure she would be honored you included her children! Pick who you feel most loves and supports you!

    • Reply
  • Clarissa
    Savvy May 2021
    Clarissa ·
    • Flag

    When asking for people to be in your bridal party, I believe it's important that you WANT to be there by your side. I believe that the people that you want there should be the people that have supported your relationship with your soon to be husband the entire time or at least most of the time. My future sister-in-law we are not close whatsoever and nor did I think she expected to be in my wedding party, she has always supported the relationship that I had with my FH but my FH and his sister weren't close most of their lives so I honestly thought it would be weird if she was part of my wedding party. Also, think about other possibilities of if she was in your bridal party, would she still be condescending towards you and the decisions that you make for your wedding? When choosing people for your bridal party you want people that are fun and supportive of your decisions and who you want to be there, not people that you feel obligated to be there? Also, the fact that you are hesitant should be something to consider as well.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't ask her if you don't feel like you have a good relationship with her (which reason #1 seems to say). I wouldn't be too concerned with the age gap. I'm 25 and my bridesmaids were 25-37 years old, everything was fine. They were all in different stages with school, relationships, kids, etc. I also wouldn't be concerned with the location, I had 9 bridesmaids in 5 states. It all worked out fine. Since your wedding isn't for quite a while, I wouldn't make this decision until July 2020 or so.

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