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Just Said Yes November 2022

Set a date, but not really?

Zaye, on February 17, 2020 at 12:45 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 6

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Hello folks, let me provide some backstory before I get into the main points here.

Fiancee and I got engaged almost 2 years ago (will be 2 in July). Currently we own a house which his father, brother, brother's gf, and his little sister all live in with us. My SO is also in college for about 1 1/2-2 more years. Now onto my title discussion.
We hadn't set a date at first since at the time I took a break from college to work and he had just gotten out of the Navy (another story for another time) and planned to go back to school to finish his degree. Well this last year, we had decided to "set" a date. The first date we chose we had to change since my stepbrother and his lady were getting married the same day. We then chose 9/1/21 which would make it our 7 year anniversary being together as well. Well here is my dilemma.
With SO still being in school and with basically his entire family still living with us, I don't really feel good getting married when I feel like theres still so much that needs to happen before we do. We also have done zero planning for this wedding so we have nothing prepared. I just can't imagine coming home being married and having the whole family in our house as we try to celebrate privately. Then the next week SO would go back to classes. Just doesn't make logical sense right now to set a date. I told my SO this and while I think he hears what I'm saying, he hasnt fully grasped my points just yet.
What's everyone's thoughts on this? Would I be the only one to get married and come back to a life like that after the wedding?

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Zaye, on February 17, 2020 at 7:50 PM

Just Said Yes November 2022
Zaye · on February 17, 2020 at 1:09 AM
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Update to the story:
(I know, it's only been minutes since the initial posting)

SO comes to lay down in bed with me and we get talking about weddings and our "planned" wedding. He jokes around "nah you dont wanna marry me, you hate me" (We always jokingly troll each other with stuff like this) and I tell him that we really arent prepared to get married next year. He said we gotta start planning. I continue and tell him I would really want to get married when 3 things align:-We're out of/close to being out of our home with everyone who lives here-We're more financially stable-He's almost done with/done with college.After saying that, he gave me the impression he really understands now. I told him I love him and never regret getting engaged, but I wanna get married under the right circumstances with nothing holding us back.
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VIP August 2020
Kathryn · on February 17, 2020 at 6:55 AM
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Here's my devil's advocate and why I think he might not quite get it: getting married isn't the problem here. It would be ideal if you guys were in the process of being alone in the house, but that may not be the case unless you put your foot down about his family being there and find another arrangement for them. If I was him, and I'm not saying this is the case, I would wonder why you want to wait another year probably after waiting 3. Do you want a big wedding? Is him being out of school the important part? Being married shouldn't ideally change your every day life. Everyone comes back from their big day to the same life, just with a new name potentially and a new life committment. There is nothing stopping you from having a court wedding and then figuring out the rest of your life. Are you going to put the marriage on hold if his dad needs to move back in? Just playing devil's advocate - four years is a long time to be engaged. You can plan a small backyard wedding around his schedule with your family or just go the courthouse. So you have to decide if being married is the problem since you basically are it sounds like just without the financial benefits, or if you want a big wedding.
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Dedicated May 2020
Allie · on February 17, 2020 at 8:13 AM
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We are both in college and getting married May 23 right after graduation. I still have a few classes to finish up over the summer so after we honeymoon I will be coming back to school and he will be working since he already has a job lined up. We aren’t living together right now but we decided to start looking at apartments for rent so we can move in the month before the wedding. We are doing this for the same reason you stated that we don’t wanna come home from our honeymoon to roommates. I think there is definitely some planning to be done but at the end of the day do what you feel comfortable with!
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on February 17, 2020 at 12:06 PM
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If you own the house you live in, why can't you tell everyone to get out? These are all grown people, correct? Unless there is some underlying issue (disability, etc), they are all able to find their own place to live. If you tell them that you guys are moving forward with planning your wedding and getting married and would like to live your married lives in a home of your own, I would hope they would respect that.
People get married in college all of the time. You seem to be financially stable enough to own a home and function in your daily lives now, and that doesn't change when you get married. Your FI being in college really doesn't seem like an issue to me..?
I feel like I have to side with your FI here. When he makes statements like "you don't want to marry me", he is clearly feeling a certain way about the fact that you will not set a date and start planning your wedding. If all of these issues have been present for some time, I guess I don't understand why you said yes to getting married to begin with?
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VIP October 2020
Samantha · on February 17, 2020 at 12:55 PM
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When my FH proposed we'd been together for nearly 9 years, he had left his home in Costa Rica and moved to Indiana to live with me. The reason we waited so long is because we were in college and then I was in law school and we didn't want to get married while one of us was in school. Then, we wanted some financial stability so we waited about a year after that. We knew we wanted to be together when we graduated college, but we knew what kind of life we wanted our married life to signal. Now, we're able to plan the wedding we want. I don't regret waiting. You both need to be ready. If you want to wait until you're not in school or you're not sharing a home, that's totally fair.
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Zaye · on February 17, 2020 at 7:50 PM
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His family lives with us because they are not financially stable. At the time I said yes we were in a different living situation and hadn't planned on getting married until he was out of college anyway. Like I said in my comments before, him joking that I dont wanna marry him is something we both do to each other all the time to mess with one another. We dont have some underlying issue going on. Just two happy people waiting for the right time to do everything.
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