Seriously

Well you have to take into consideration that it might be a while before any restaurants take reservations (depending on your state) and they might give you a guest limit, just like with weddings now. Sometimes knowing there’s others who would also like to celebrate something pushes people to want to celebrate that more, I wouldn’t think too much about it!
I’d have another conversation with your husband and ask him exactly what he would like, something intimate or something with close friends/family.
You’ve got time, keep that communication with him open for the next several months about it!

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The party would actually be back in his hometown so I would have to plan it from another state which only makes it that much more difficult.

Can you host it at someone’s house at that point?

View Quoted Comment My mother-in-law said we could probably host it at his aunt's house if it was 20 people or less, but it would be more than 20.

I think the best you can do now is just start calling places that are open and see what their reservation policies are right now. Then based on that you can try to make a plan and move forward. Good luck!

I'd start by having an honest conversation with your husband about his preferences rather than trying to guess. Together, talk through his thoughts about a party, and if he's truly interested, then talk through the pros and cons of the various logistics/costs/guest list/etc. Depending on where you live/where the party will be, there might still be rules related to gatherings anyway, so talking through the various options would probably help you come to a viable resolution.

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I mentioned the guest list to him today and he reminded me that it's supposed to be a surprise so he really doesn't want to discuss any part of the party. Part of the issue with the guest list is that he has friends from three different states. He grew up in NJ, went to college in PA, and we live in MD. The party would be in NJ as that's where most of his family and friends live. I'm not sure that his friends and PA and MD would want to drive 2-3 hours just for a birthday party. His father is also a problem. His parents are divorced and his father is engaged. His father is also estranged from 2 of his 4 children so I don't know whether to include him.

View Quoted Comment Another thing is you could do multiple small parties?

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We could probably go to dinner with his friends in MD and PA and then have a party with those in NJ, but I wouldn't want his MD and PA friends to feel excluded. And with any luck I will hopefully be pregnant by then and with everything going on I'm not sure I'd want to be around a bunch of people if I am pregnant.

Given all the contingencies (e.g., Covid and related potential travel/socializing limitations, guests in multiple locations, his ambivalence toward a party, possible pregnancy, etc.), I'd just put doing anything on hold till at least early fall. Most of what I've read is that especially on the east and west coasts it is highly unlikely there will be any large gatherings allowed for the remainder of the year. Anything you try to plan now is just going to be a million contingencies, so you may as well wait and see how things are looking and what options are going to be reasonable come December. Your fallback plan can be a family party for 20 people at the relatives' home in NJ -- if even that is allowed by the end of the year. If there is a miracle and the world returns to normal by September, you can move ahead with planning something bigger.

As someone in NJ... oooof. I really don't know how it's going to go, here. Murphy has unveiled a 6 step plan, but we aren't anywhere close to fully opening. I'm also in the service and the arts industries, and I ... kind of expect to be out of work for most of the summer (which ... is my busiest earning time, but oh, well).

We might be able to have smaller gatherings by fall/winter, if a second wave doesn't hit. The problem is, we won't really know if that's viable until midsummer at the earliest.

I'd pin him down, point out that you can't plan something with the pandemic *and* no input from him - it's gotta be one or the other and he already lost that fight.

Oh, and good luck with ttc!