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Savvy October 2021

serious Mother Drama

Krystle, on August 26, 2021 at 5:13 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
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Ok so this is a long one, and has intense soap opera vibes.



Condensed version (although it won't seem like it): last Thanksgiving I got my ancestry DNA results and found out my dad is not my biological father. He found out then as well. Happy Thanksgiving! They have been divorced for almost 20 years so there was no reason NOT to tell me the truth. When I confronted her she was an absolute jerk about and got all snarky with me and literally asked me what I expected her to do about it. Yup that's right! I found out that he had been asking my mother for years to tell me the truth so I could know my surprise Ashkenazi and military heritage. He died that Christmas and all I got was the chance to exchange a few emails. I'll never get the opportunity to have any kind of relationship with him, not to mention what she did to trap my father. She knew she was pregnant with another man's child and told him it was his. My poor Dad. So my mother and I are on speaking terms (thank god i live 3k miles away and can't slap the snot out of her) but she takes that to mean that everything is a-ok! I speak to her only because someday she will be dead and I MIGHT regret not having some kind of relationship with her. There's a whole bunch of other drama that's been building over the last 37 years, so it's not just this one event. She's lucky she's still invited and she's lucky I speak to her. That being said, I really just don't see myself having her involved with the whole getting ready business that day. I see her as a guest and not much more. I just don't think I can stand to pretend to be all happy when she tells me how beautiful I looks, with tears in her eyes, how much she loves me and how proud she is. That might sound crappy to you, but I've been just keeping my mouth mostly shut for the last year and I don't feel like I should have to do that on my wedding day. I'd prefer to just have my cousins help me. The advice I'm searching for is whether or not I should just try my absolute best to pretend we have a good relationship so she feels involved and the peace is kept and I don't have any drama? Or is there a way I should tell her beforehand that this is the choice I've made? Or do I tell her to show up at 4 like the invitation says and hope she doesn't realize that I've quietly pushed her out of the picture? Fyi she royally screwed up the 2 menial tasks I gave her for the wedding (had to pay for a second tasting by another party) out of complete nonchalant lack of prioritizing me over her kitchen renovation. Thanks for reading this book....please help!

14 Comments

Latest activity by Krystle, on August 28, 2021 at 1:11 PM
  • Rebelle Fleur
    Master July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    I would just tell her you’re getting ready with your bridal party only, you won’t need any help, you have everything covered, that all she has to do is show up on time and take pictures during cocktail hour (if you’re comfortable with that) and you won’t have to talk to her much after because you’ll be busy with your guests and your partner the rest of the evening.
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  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krystle ·
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    Thank you! She knows I don't have a bridal party so I'm hoping she just won't really think about it. I'll take your advice and just let her know I'm good and leave it at that!
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  • Rebelle Fleur
    Master July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    YW! Since you don’t have a bridal party you can just say due to covid I’ll just be you and the hair/mua, to limit exposure and you would just rather have some time to yourself before being pulled in a million directions the rest of the night.


    Hopefully she won’t try to push the issue.
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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    WOW! Definitely soap opera vibes. I get why you wouldn't want to have her there while you are getting ready. I would just let her know to show up at the specified time & you're getting ready by yourself
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    ...Why do you think you'll regret NOT having a relationship with her?

    I have not spoken to my mother since before our wedding, she did not attend, it made the day 150% more enjoyable, and since I don't *currently* regret not having a relationship with her, I don't worry about regretting it later.

    A dear friend of mine also had a surprise DNA test like you (but her family knew, and hid her medical history, and she nearly died from it), and the family reacted by kicking her out of the family. It's cruel.

    If you are not comfortable having her around, if you don't want to talk to her... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. There is no law saying you have to be around family who hurt you.

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  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krystle ·
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    Oh my gosh, that awful. I worry about medical issues as well because Ashkenazi Jews are bunch more like to carry the brca gene that causes breast cancer. What a trash family your friend had, and she's better off without them!! I'm so sorry for her.


    You are absolutely right. Thank you so much!! I will take what you say to heart.
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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    My parents won’t be at our vow renewal in two weeks and I was relieved when learned they couldn’t make it. I mean they could if they prioritized but they didn’t. We didn’t have a wedding wedding when we got married so this will be the time I will feel like a bride and enjoy things that come with having a reception. Truly made me happy knowing I won’t have to deal w any of my parents crap.
    Did ur mom ask u about getting ready? Offered to help? I wouldn’t even bring it up unless she did. From what u described there is a good chance she won’t so 🤷‍♀️
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  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krystle ·
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    There's a part of me that wishes my mother and her husband would also just have something more important to do that day. I'm sorry you've got parents like that, but also happy for you that your big day can just be yours!!


    She hasn't asked, but a normal mother obviously would so I'm trying to think ahead. You're probably right though...she might not even ask!
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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    I feel u girl… my parents r not bad ppl and I know to their ability they gave me all the love they could… but since I sort of found my own love and established a solid happy family they sort of abandoned me. Like they only want to be w me and close to me if I’m unhappy or low… but I haven’t been that. Therapy has helped a lot. There’s no room in ur life for ppl like that. Even parents. I’m there if they want to establish a healthy relationship but I just don’t see that happening.
    If ur mom asks u last min u can always say u made other arrangements since she hasn’t brought it up before. I also agree w others u r not obligated to be getting ready together.. it’s ur day ur way. End of story regardless how she feels
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  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krystle ·
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    "There’s no room in ur life for ppl like that. Even parents. I’m there if they want to establish a healthy relationship."


    I really love the way you phrased this. Thank you! I would be pumped if I could afford therapy. I definitely need it!
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    If you don't want her to be nothing more than a guest then do so. Don't do what you think she wants and what will cause the least amount of drama because you definitely will regret it. It's your day and should be the way you want it. Do not people please your way through your wedding day. I'd just simply tell her to show up at 4 like the invitation says and leave it at that. If she asks about helping or being there to help you get ready tell her you have it all taken care of and will not need her help.
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Also I want to add that you should do what you know is best for you and your heart when it comes to the type of relationship you want with her. Some people can completely cut out their parents and have absolutely no regrets or feelings when they pass. However others will be filled with regret and that is a feeling you really can't change after the person is no longer on this earth. My dad had a bad relationship with his father and didn't talk to him for years. When he was on his death bed my mom made my dad go see him on his final days. My dad was extremely happy she made him go because he realized after talking with his dad one last time that he definitely would have been very regretful if he hadn't. So just remember do what you know in your heart is best for you and ignore what others have to say. Regret is a hard road to travel on.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    I think this is really good advice.

    For what its worth I LOVE my mother but she stresses me out a ton. She lives several states away and stayed at our house for our wedding while my husband and I stayed on site at our wedding venue in an AirBnB. I originally planned to have her help with flowers the day of, but was worried about managing her and knew it would stress me out more if she was there, so I decided to do flowers with the help of three friends (I did not have any bridesmaids either) and have them get ready with me in the bridal suite. My mom got ready at our home and met us in the bridal suite about 1/2 hour before the wedding so she still got some special time with me, and that worked out really well. I was able to use the guise of "not wanting her to be tired at the wedding itself" as to why I preferred to not have her with me the whole day. My husband's family had zero role in getting ready with us or helping us prep anything for the wedding, and our parents did not participate in the processional, do any toasts, or do dances with us. We did not do florals for our moms but did get my FIL a boutonniere, so we asked them to show up about 15 minutes early just so we could get that pinned on. I think it's pretty normal for some families to just take on more of a guest role and not have any special extra role in the wedding.

    Of the three friends I got ready with, two live locally and have husbands who are really good friends (we've vacationed with them, we dogsit for each other, etc) so I wasn't worried about the girls spending a large part of the day with me or their husbands showing up solo and feeling awkward, and the third is a friend who is single, who I see super infrequently, and had to travel, so getting ready with me meant we got to spend more time together, since she would just have been milling about on her own before the wedding anyway. You can find reasons as to why you chose the specific people you are getting ready with and why its limited to those people if she asks (cousins are closer in age to you, the getting ready suite is only so big, certain number of people best for photos, HMUA could only do so much hair and makeup in the time available, etc).

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  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krystle ·
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    You're definitely right! That's exactly what I'm going to do. I don't want to look back at that moment and cringe. And I definitely don't want the moments right before I walk down the aisle to my husband to be awful...those are supposed to be some of the best moments of my life!! Thank you so much!
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