Serious anxiety about not inviting estranged family members

I think the biggest thing to remember is that it is NOT selfish, and is actually incredibly important, to put your feelings, and your FH feelings at the forefront and take care of yourselves emotionally. In the case of wedding planning, then that can very well mean not inviting toxic or drama-causing family members...while I do believe that family is a special kind of bond, I do NOT believe that blood trumps abusive behavior and should be tolerated "because it's family". You're putting a lot of time, effort, money, and LOVE into planning a beautiful wedding to celebrate with your closest family and friends in a sign of support and well wishes for your marriage - there is no room for drama here.

In most cases of iffy relationships, I normally lean toward "be the bigger person and invite them anyways, then the ball is in their court on whether they attend" but I'm just not really getting that vibe here. If you decide not to invite them and they decide to finally reach out to you (shocker, right?), then you can politely say "we wanted an intimate/small event and made our guest list on those closest to both of us". When they get mad and demand an invite, politely say "It just isn't possible" and repeat that phrase as many times as necessary to get them to buzz off. If you do decide to invite them, then hopefully they can either act cordially or choose not to start reaching out now, but just know that no matter what, at the end of the day you'll have your new husband!!

(Personally, you get my vote to not invite!)

If there’s drama I wouldn’t invite them. Just because they’re family doesn’t make you obligated. If you avoid them regularly for sanity you probably don’t want them at your wedding.

It's completely fine to not invite anyone that you are not close with, especially those who treated you not great and make 0 effort to keep in contact. I also have a difficult relationship with my father's side of the family. I'm not close with the majority of them but have made effort to connect and some of them have as well over the years. Those people that I've spoken with/have seen in the past year are getting an invite and anyone that I honestly don't know and haven't been talking to are just not getting an invite. They probably don't care and won't be bothered with it, and it doesn't bother me either. Weddings are a huge expense and I don't recommend inviting people just because they're family sometimes, since it's such an intimate event and cost money per person invited. Best of luck to you!

When going back and forth in your mind, I think the kids and I should see GP and others more, then swinging back to, but they never make an effort to see us ... Think that if you do resolve to see them again, the best time for success in getting reacquainted is with only a few people at a time. And in a relaxed way, visits where you can talk freely for a few hours. And because you start a single family at a time, starting with GP,. The wedding is the worst place to do it. Make plans to slowly reunite with some of them, with visits before or after the wedding. Instead of inviting them to the wedding where in fact you will not deal with any of them for more than a few minutes. Keep thinking of positive ways to deal with them. But take the wedding out of the picture. It is a bad place to start working on a formerly prickly relationship, so just don't invite them to the wedding. Separate the two things. Wedding with your other side and with his family, and all your friends. Later, reunion with your paternal side.

Honestly if I were in your shoes I wouldn't invite them. It's a huge day where you don't need the past getting brought up. I think if maybe you wanted to have a separate party and invite them so the kids can see their grandparents then that might be better for you. Enjoy your day!

Thank you thank you for all of your replies. Really helps put my mind in a better place with this. I feel like a huge weight is being lifted off of me!