Secretly eloping

You're an adult and you make your own decisions. You live with them so you definitely have to let them know, it would be better for them to know beforehand and not the day of or after. Maybe try approaching it by saying that you and your fiance want to get married but that you're not interested in having a big event and maybe offer some explanation and that you hope they understand and respect y'alls decision. I personally couldn't picture myself getting married without my parents being there.

Do you have to tell them? No. But you're an adult and living under their roof, so you should. If you're mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to own up to it and tell your parents. There's no way to tell them without hurting any feelings. That's a sacrifice that you make when you decide to elope. You just have to tell them.

Not telling them beforehand would be pretty selfish, in my opinion. Will they be hurt they weren’t there? Most likely. Would they be even more hurt if they didn’t know about it beforehand? Most definitely. I would make sure to tell them and your FH’s parents. You don’t want to start off your marriage with anxiety, hurt, and deceit.

I would invite them. Parents only though to keep it small. That way they are apart of it, but you still have your elopement. If they push for you to have a bigger event, then that's when you have to stand your ground in regards to not wanting it. Ultimately it's your day!

When you tell them, I would just say it was what you guys wanted and it's done so nothing they can do (if its gets nasty). Maybe write it, let them read is in person with you in their heads and then hand them a pic of video of it so they can enjoy the moment with you

Like with all major decisions, part of being an adult is dealing with potential consequences. There’s no way to guarantee their feelings won’t be hurt, especially if you’re excluding them and they’d hope you were having a large wedding. Be prepared for some hurt feelings and potentially your parents telling you to find your own place to live.

I will never understand this. Except in a few extenuating circumstances (like abuse), I maintain that someone scared to tell their parents they want to get married is someone that is not mature enough to get married. This is a major life event not some little thing, and in many cases, hiding it can be hurtful if not devastating to a relationship. Why the rush, why the secrecy? If it’s only because you don’t want to be forced into a big event, all you need to do is stand up to them. Be firm, say “this is what we want, so this is how we’re going to do it” and that’s that— no one can force you to have a big party, and that alone seems like an odd reason to potentially alienate your whole family. Openness and honesty go a long way here. Just talk to them. The more mature you can be about it, the more maturely they’ll treat you— you show them respect, they’re more apt to respect your wishes. You don’t, they’re more apt not to.

How to tell your parents is to sit them down and talk to them, before it happens. If this upsets them, at least in that case, while it may take time, they’ll be able to get over it, because you were at least able to show them respect in telling them. Just sit them down and tell them your intentions. A logical and thought out plan helps (we want this because ___, we’re ready because ___ , we’ve planned ___ for the future , it’s important that it’s just us because ____) . Setting it up as a well thought out plan helps them know that you’re ready, and eliminates room for them to try to argue.

It is essential to tell them especially since you live with them— the longer it’s hidden, the worse they feel when it comes to light. I know a woman who found out her son was married from her TAX GUY. True story— he got secretly married while off at college and decided not to tell anyone (for reasons we are still not sure of). Because he was still in college and supported by his parents, they claim him as a dependent on their taxes. So they go to file and it comes back that they can’t because someone they’re trying to claim as a dependent can’t be claimed since they’re married. They were baffled. Suddenly they have a daughter in law. It’s 2 years down the road and they’re still not okay with it, and it’s mostly because of feeling deceived. I’m sure it would’ve been a tough conversation if he had approached them before, and they may have been resistant, but at least there wouldn’t have been that extra layer of deceit— that’s what takes longer and is harder to forgive, if it’s even ever really possible.

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and assume you are young, or at least under the age of 26. Are you still on their insurance? Again an assumption because you live with them. If you are on their insurance they will find out one way or another because after you are married you will no longer be able to be on theirs, so your husband and you will have to get your own insurace.

If that isn't an issue, telling people on Facebook is still extremely insensitive. Especially because you live with your parents. If you lived on your own? I would say do what you want. But living under someones roof is a whole other ball game.

Are you only not telling them because they'd want you to have a wedding? I'd tell them in person, you owe them that. I'd also tell them before the wedding, even if they give pushback you're old enough to make that decision alone.

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This, too. Maturity goes a long way. If you cannot act maturely and face your family, you are likely not mature enough to get married.

I don't think this is going to end well unless your parents are chill and understanding. That's just not really something people would be happy to hear you did it in secret. Because it's a marriage, people would want to celebrate and be happy for you and with you

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I agree with this. Keeping this kind of thing a secret will only come back to hurt you even more and rarely ends well. Honesty is always the best policy

Why are you afraid to tell your parents? Is it just because you think they'll force you to have a big wedding that you don't want, or do you think they will try to convince you not to?

I have 2 sons and a daughter. Even though they are very young (3, 3, and 11 weeks), I have thought about when they will get married - just little things like what will their partner be like, what will my daughter wear, what will I dance to my sons with. However, even though in my head I have all of these wishes for my children of what I hope they will do (not just with their weddings but for their entire lives), ultimately I have to recognize that 99% of that is probably never going to happen. If one, two, or all of my children wanted to elope, I would respect their decision, but it would mean a lot to me if they just sat down and told me that this was what they wanted and this is what would mean the most to them and their partner. Even though I would be sad and disappointed, I have to remember that it isn't about me. But I would hope that my children would at least have the decency to not lie to me and sneak off. That would hurt more than anything.

I think you should sit down and tell your parents before you do it. Just be very matter of fact and mature, as others have suggested. And if you're too scared to do that, I think you really need to sit and think about why and what this means for your relationship with your parents moving forward. Just because you are married doesn't mean you will never have to express your wishes to them ever again. I love my mom, she's an amazing grandmother, but there are times when I've had to put my foot down about a few of the things she's wanted to do for/with my children. Nothing crazy, but it's just an example of how you won't have to stop standing up to your parents just because you're married.

1. Move out.

2. Get married.

3. Tell your parents.

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Agree with this 100%! Your parents will be heartbroken if you don't tell them before. If they found out on Facebook, that is honestly cruel. If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to tell them. You should invite them as well!

Also, McSkipper-THEY FOUND OUT DOING THEIR TAXES?! OMG! That is nuts!

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This. All of this. If you can't tell your parents what decision you've made and own up to that decision and it's consequences it's probably not the right one to be making or not the right time to be making it.