Secret eloping!

No, I haven’t eloped. So I don’t have advice to share. But, as long as you both feel 100% confident in it, then go for it.


So at what point do you plan on telling your family and friends (since you already have a vow renewal in mind)?

View Quoted Comment By christmas? Im not entirely sure. I want to wait so when they say its a bad idea i can say; well married _____ months and going strong. We are both 100 percent confidant.

View Quoted Comment I guess that’s something to think about. If you know they don’t support you getting married right now, then I question how much support they’d have for the vow renewal of a marriage that was a secret for 6 months. And even if you tell them at Christmas, 6 months of marriage isn’t a convincing example of “.... and still going strong”.

Ultimately it sounds like your minds are made up. But since you asked for advice, those are few things to consider.

Best wishes!

Can I ask why you want to be married so fast?

Traditionally when you elope, it is just the couple, or perhaps a pair of witnesses, depends on state. The recent use of elopements to mean small civil weddings is a misuse of the term. And if you are going to do it, tell a minimum of people until after the fact. Usually part of the point is to make it a romantic event for the couple, with at most 2 others present, and not have to deal with everyone else who thinks a wedding should be about them, not you. If you tell people in advance, you get a big upswelling of people all over you, and bad feelings. Or everyone shrugs and doesn't care, which doesn't make you feel good either. Make your plans, take your time off from work, and spend all your time, energy, and money on a honeymoon for 2 and on your early marriage priorities. Go for it if you want it, and announce it after the fact.

We are eloping on Tuesday but we told our family members. Because of the location, possible visa requirements and high cost at the destination, we've agreed to have a more inclusive celebration afterwards. While there are some family members on my side who don't know (just not close to them/don't care for them), I don't think it's a good idea to keep a secret unless they are unsupportive. But the choice is yours really.

My fiance and I were only together just shy of six months when he popped the question. So I know the worry you have. It’s common to always be worried about what others think. It’s hard when you are so happy and in love to have cynics question whether you know each other well enough or ask questions like don’t you think this is moving too fast? But if you are confident in what you have, scream it from the rooftops! Don’t hide it, show eveyone how lucky you are to have found the love of your life and for his love to be so intentional! We get too caught up in society’s standards of timeframes. If you’re truly happy, share it with your loved ones...and let those who want to support you, support you....and those who do not, leave them behind.

Best of luck and congrats on the engagement!

May I ask how old you both are?
I have no doubt that you are in love .
But, sometimes looking before you leap isn't a bad thing.
You have forever, after all and there is no need to rush.

Not being critical, speaking from experience.
Why do you think your family won't support you?

If they truly want you to be happy I'm sure they would love to share your big day. You may be surprised, they may be overjoyed with the news.

Starting a marriage lying to others isn't a good foundation, in my opinion.

If this is truly your hearts desire, go for it, with Best wishes for a happy life. Just tell your parents or it will hurt them in the long run.

Sometimes when you think others are being critical and unsupportive...they are just trying to spare you some of the pain of things that they have been through. With age, a certain amount of clarity and wisdom is earned.

If it's meant to be, nothing and no one can stop it. Destiny has a way of working it out.
Good luck!

My brother did this with his now wife (and they have been married for 10 years now)! The only caution I will give you is against social media and local newspapers. My dad wasn't aware that my brother and sister in law got married until a little while later and was more upset that he wasn't invited than anything else.

The way he found out was through my aunt seeing it on facebook and calling him to ask why nobody told her they were getting married.

One of my other relatives found out when they saw their marriage license listed in the newspaper, as marriage licenses are a matter of public record.


The huge difference between their situation and yours is that my whole family already knew that they were engaged.


If you have anyone who scours every inch of the local newspaper or you are planning on posting anything on social media, it may be a good idea to tell them sooner than later. Some of my family members are still not totally over missing my brother's wedding.

Ultimately, it is up to you, you are the one who knows your relatives best, and you can totally wait until after to tell people! Definitely do what is best for you and FH! 🙂

Others have raised good questions/suggestions about things to think about. For me, bottom line is if you are adults/old enough to get married, then you should certainly be old enough to be honest with family and friends, and accept the consequences of their reactions. In my experience, lying/hiding something is almost never a good idea. As others mentioned, if people who are important to you have concerns about your relationship now, it's not likely to be better 6 months from now, especially if your plan is to respond with, "we've been married 6 months now and we're going strong." Honestly, that sounds very immature. If you are truly ready to get married/elope, I'd have a calm conversation beforehand or tell people immediately afterward.

FWIW -- sometime in the last year, there was a post from a bride who had been MARRIED for FIVE YEARS and LIED to her family the entire time. She and husband were having a vow renewal and her parents were flying in for what they thought was her WEDDING because she had never told the truth.... Her plan was for her parents to figure it out during the ceremony.... OMG, as a parent I would be devastated (and, less importantly, completely humiliated) to find out that way that my child had been lying to me about something this important. If you're both "100% confident," then I'd encourage you to own your decision and be honest with people. Good luck!

I feel like you need to sit down with your family and tell them you are getting married up front - or at the very least just after you elope. If you wait, I think you're going to have a LOT of hurt feelings in addition to people still questioning your choices. If you tell people at Christmas, it will still only be four months, so your family is still going to feel like you acted impetuously, and probably they're going to look at that four months and say it doesn't prove anything.

Yes, I have - back in 2007, I secretly married my fiancé in Vegas without any knowledge from my family. We thought it is the right thing at the time, but the sham of a marriage lasted about 7 months and then he just left one day (apparently he had unresolved/undiagnosed mental health issues). So, my brother had the task of advising my parents and whoa, that DID NOT go over well. They were deeply hurt that I made a very bad, impulsive decision and paid for my divorce as I really didn’t have the finances for it. I DEEPLY REGRET the choice I made. Tread lightly and carefully.

Is there a reason you are rushing.? You are going to love each other just as much in a year or two as you do now. Honestly you talk about getting married in August then telling your family your marriage is great cause it has been 4 moths in the scheme of things 4 moths for a marriage is not long at all. So honestly that argument would just make me upset as a family member.

Sorry it took me so long to reply I had to go through all of your messages. I appriciate the advice, and support, to answer and clarify some questions. He is 20, i am 21. And as to why its "so fast" is simply because its what i want. Sure we could wait a year or two. Weve discussed it, but its not what I want. And i dont see why i should wait on the account of others feelings or societies expectstions. Me choosing not to involve my family is not immature. My father is a dead beat alcoholic and my mother was a 15 year old bride who has a deep seeted hatred for weddings. As much as I love them getting married is my choice, and i dont need them shitting on it up until the dsy I say I do. I havent had much of a family growing up. My fiance is my family. Hes currently helping me raise my little brother cause my mother is incapable. I understand for some people its hard to understand making such a big commitment so soon, but id marry him tomorrow, and every day after for the rest of our lives.

You mention a lot about what YOU want, but what does your FH want? Is he close to his family? How will they feel if you do this?

View Quoted Comment I apoligize, he isnt close to them at all. He insist that theyre not invited. They have deep family issues as well. As i saud WE are each others family.

I think it's tricky. There are many good reasons to elope- wedding stresses, some important people not being able to attend, etc. Maybe announce your engagement, and pick a date - then elope? At least then they knew it was coming and maybe will handle it better than expected when you reveal that you jumped your wedding date and just did it. And you can confirm your worries and elope guilt free. I also think that if no one knows it's better than if a handful do, so if you don't say a word then you have to keep it quiet.

In short, I'd announce your engagement and then choose a reasonable date. Let them have their say and then do what you feel is right. This way the blindsiding will be kept to a minimum. Does that make sense?

My FH and I went to the courthouse Nov 9, 2018 and eloped, and will be having our “wedding” this Nov 9, 2019. But unlike you, both our parents came with us and we’re extremely thrilled for us. We were going to keep it a secret from most guests for our upcoming wedding, but after about 3-4 months it got very hard and decided to not hide it.

What has your partner said about his wants? Does your partner want to get married now or wait?

I think your responses are a bit inconsistent/confusing. In your later posts you said neither of you really wants anything to do with your families and "you're each other's family," but in your first post you said you want to have a vow renewal in a year and have all your family present.... Either way, if you're both ready to be married, I'd get married, but I'd still tell people (either immediately before or just after) because it doesn't really make any sense to keep it a secret. Even if you "don't care about these people," I'm still a firm believer that mature, responsible adults make their own decisions and then own them and their consequences. If you love each other enough to get married, I'd think you'd want to shout that from the rooftops, rather than have to hide it. Keeping the marriage a secret just seems to play into all the dysfunction you seem to want to get away from. This is the start of a whole new life and a new, hopefully better, family for the two of you. Be proud and open about that. Good luck.