Secret Elopement Before Ceremony

I've done it and we keep it a secret for about few months but it was so hard bc my mom saw my ring my hubby ring and she's a mom she knows best lol

You can’t apply for a marriage license in any US state if you are married so there’s no way to get a new one and just not turn it in. I don’t know what else you could do, but I imagine it’s going to hurt your mom a lot more if she finds out just before/at the wedding than if you just be honest with her now. I know lots of people who have made this decision (my ex-husband is military) but none of them successfully kept it from their family/friends for longer than a few months.

I honestly would just sit down and tell her because if it does come up that you did this and she didn't know she's going to be more hurt. My fiance and I are eloping and I barely made it very clear to him that he needs to tell his mom sister and dad had some point even if we are not having them there because I feel it's wrong to just bring our news on them. However it sounds to me like you did it for military purposes which is common and you still plan on having the official ceremony so it's not like you eloped and you're not doing anything else. A friend of mine and her husband they did a quote-unquote elopement but that's because they were getting married in Puerto Rico where she was from and the rules to get married there were much more strict so it's easier to get married State side have the marriage certificate and then just do the ceremony there. Although technically your ceremony would just be a vowel renewal or a symbolic ceremony it wouldn't be an official wedding ceremony because you are already legally married people I would also suggest whatever you decide to have a ceremony and do invitations to word it as such but I think you should just explain to people that for military purposes you legally married but we will still have a ceremony so that way your mother knows that she will still be a part of your big day even if the legal portion of it's already done.

Like Sarah mentioned, it’s not possible to get a marriage license when you’re already married. If you’re mature enough to make the decision to get married, you’re mature enough to own up to it. Lying to and deceiving your loved ones isn’t any way to start out a marriage, and they will find out.

Exactly. And she will likely notice. As far as the gov is concerned, a military benefit for a spouse is for truly married people. Which requires that you live as though you are married. And do not hide it. If you do, and someone turns you in, you can be made to repay every penny of insurance, tuition, housing or other benefit you receive. Then, a Dishonorable discharge with no benefits.
There is a Federal law ( most states too) that you can not marry just to get benefits. I hey can use social media and forum posts to show this is your intent. Call your family, " oh, your daughter is engaged not married?" And get confirmation that you are not " living as a married couple."
Hubby and I were each in the service before we knew each other. One person he served with, and one I did, were caught up with. His friend, 10 months after the fact, having had a baby at 8 months, then a sham wedding at 10 months. Every penny of medical expense for maternity cost and the baby's birth had to be paid off after Dishonorable Discharge. They had continued to see each other, her living and working within 20 miles, him there when he could be. But not having told parents, or their landlord, and having deliberately held back, but having claimed military benefits of marriage, K lled then. No Federal school loans. Over $15,000 in insurance costs and benefits paid back. To the military, just having a marriage ceremony and a marriage certificate does not make you married. As with common law marriage, and as with green card marriages, you must openly announce to others that you are married, and live as though you are married, both. My friend had taken advantage of being single for the year's financial aid package, getting more for being single. Then got put on hubby's medical and insurance when they secretly married, and the right to be next of kin ( death benefits and inheritance ). And did not tell her family, or his, because they had scheduled a wedding for after the end of school, and his hitch in the service. Caught, DDis, for him. And for her, trouble with school, which recinded her Master's Degree ( fraud and moral character clauses), made her pay back her scholarship as a market rate loan, plus a fine and a fraud suspended sentence, a felony record. I don't know how often different services enforce it. But is it worth it? If you are adult enough to marry, you are adult enough to be honest with the world, starting with your mother.

I just shared this on another forum.
I have a friend who did this successfully, only a handful of people knew the truth. And the “wedding” held all traditions including officiant.

My friend was in the same boat, didn’t want to tell her parents. I don’t think anyone asked to see the certificate, do you think your mom would really ask to see this?

View Quoted Comment I totally agree. My sister got married and lied about it. It took two days before she was found out. Marriages are public record so when a family gets suspicious they can just look up your marriage license. They’ll find out eventually and the fall out will just get worse the more deceitful you are and trying to get a prop license is very deceitful.

I haven't done it yet, but the plan is to have an elopement first, then do a party when we're ready/have money saved up. There are many reasons for this, mostly that me and my fiance have overwhelming families to deal with.

However, I DID give my mom fair warning that "when I get married, I'm eloping." I said this while dealing with the stress of my brother's wedding, so I don't even know if she took it seriously. But she totally respected it.

Best policy I guess is to tell people you want to elope "if/when the time comes" so they're prepared, but it keeps it ambiguous enough that they don't ask for the details. Then you pretty much have to come out and share photos not long after the elopement. If you KNOW they're going to freak out, have the family party planned before announcing it. Like I don't have a date set for a family event, but I already have a venue and caterer picked so I can hit the ground running.

So... yeah, honesty is the best policy. And families are understanding if you had a good reason to do a small ceremony to get it done! My sister-in-law is from Iran, and she technically has been married to my brother since 2018, but didn't have a big wedding in Armenia until last September! The first one was for legal reasons, second one was for family and friends, and everyone was fine with that because of the honesty involved. My cousin is married to someone in the military and had a similar situation-- she was already legally married before the big family wedding. Loads of people do it, and it's totally acceptable. If you tell your family your reasoning and they flip out, that's on them, not on you.

I can't give you any advice on how to do this well and keep the secret, but I can tell you in the time I've been on this forum that there are TONS of stories about how it was impossible to keep the secret and when it came out it severely damaged relationships. I agree with others that if you're ready to get married, CONGRATULATIONS and just own your decision. If eloping will "break your mom's heart," what's it going to do to her when she finds out you not only eloped but lied about it? As others have said, there are SO many ways it might come out. If you and FH have decided getting married now is the right thing for you to do, go for it, with the understanding that your mom and others are entitled to whatever reactions they have about the timing. Odds are everyone will come to accept your decision and be excited for your celebration in the future, but lying may not be something that will be as easy to smooth over. Good luck to you!

Do you really want to start off your marriage by lying about it? Nothing stays a secret forever - your families will find out. Like Caitlin said, if you’re mature enough to get married you’re mature enough to own up to it.

Well you'll be already married at your wedding. Depends on how that will sit with you if people find out beforehand, or after really.

Marriage license is usually signed in private with your witness directly after your ceremony. Seriously-your mom won’t even be there so I wouldn’t worry! I have Photographed at least a dozen weddings where the couple was already married and didn’t tell anyone but me! 👍😘

View Quoted Comment

Agree with this. I have attended "real wedding" ceremonies for military couples who thought they were keeping secrets until it was mentioned in the receiving line they had eloped a month prior. Only the parents stayed for the reception shocked at the outcome since angry guests who were lied to took their gifts and left.

I've had a handful of couples that I've worked with in a similar situation. One couple had been married for nearly 2 years at the time of their 'wedding'.

Mom found out a few months before the day and pulled all funding she had offered. ONE person found out and slipped up in front of her. They ended up going into a huge amount of debt to pay for an extravagant wedding that wasn't even the real deal.

You're not having a wedding, you're having a vow renewal. So, keep that in mind and tell your guests.

All the other stuff aside, why would she even see it even if you weren’t already married? If she asks, tell her the officiant is handling it.

View Quoted Comment Seriously? Every guest took off? There has to be more to the story than that.

Lol y’all the “vow renewal” has come and gone. I can’t believe people are still commenting on this.


To close the loop for everyone still wanting to hand out their advice, I told my parents beforehand that we eloped and all went off without a hitch (minus COVID). No relationships were damaged, we had a beautiful day, and guests and all were happy. No one got pissed because we eloped. No one took their gifts back. None of that.
Sorry to anyone who had a shittier experience, but ours turned out perfect