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Super June 2021

Seating issue--difficult guest

Elizabeth, on March 29, 2021 at 2:42 PM Posted in Planning 0 10

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I just posted another seating question, but this one popped into my mind and is pretty personal.

I have one cousin who has had substance abuse issues in the past. She is now recovering, but when she was using she hurt a lot of our family and broke relationships. She could be volatile, inconsiderate, and occasionally downright mean. As a result, many of my extended family members no longer speak to her, including my siblings.
I kept a decent relationship with her that was one-sided for a while but has become more two-way during her recovery. I love her so I invited her to my wedding.
She told me yesterday she booked her hotels. Now it's occurring to me that I don't know who will tolerate sitting with her. Her siblings would, but they are in a different age group and would probably want to sit with their closer cousins that won't sit with this cousin. I don't want to sit her with parents. Should I sit her with the one other cousin who tolerates her and maybe a couple friends she knows (we grew up going to the same HS). I'm worried it will be obvious from the seating chart that the family didn't want to sit with her. Do I just ask my family to maybe tolerate it for a day?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Eniale, on March 30, 2021 at 10:15 AM

Expert September 2021
MK · on March 29, 2021 at 2:47 PM
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I would probably ask the family to put their issues aside for the sake of your wedding day. But having her sit with her cousins would be okay, too! From your last post, this may be a good time for the "Random table"? She may make friends by sitting with other people her age! Just a thought!
The dinner won't last too terribly long, so I feel like whatever you wanted to do should be okay for guests to tolerate the people at their dinner table for an hour - however you decided to seat them!
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on March 29, 2021 at 2:48 PM
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Can you ask her who she would feel good sitting with? If she’s in recovery she may already have gotten to the point where she accepts that it will take a long time to repair things - and it may never be prepared - and will have an idea of where she would feel comfortable while respecting that those she has harmed may not want to spend time with her.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on March 29, 2021 at 2:50 PM
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Could you seat her with some of your friends who may be a better fit or closer in age? I have a cousin who I don't know if he'll come, but if he does, I'm not seating him with the rest of the cousins. He's very nerdy and kinda socially awkward and I don't think he'd fit with all the outgoing cousins, but instead he'll sit with my fiancé's friends since they are all computer nerd/gamer types. Sometimes there is that one person (especially if they're single) who may not fall into a neat category and it's OK to mix it up.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 29, 2021 at 2:54 PM
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Seat her those with whomever will be kind to her. Unfortunately some relatives will not set differences aside for any reason. Do what works best.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on March 29, 2021 at 3:17 PM
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I would sit her with a combo of "friendly" family and friends so it's not obvious. If the friends are closer in age to her than family, she would probably prefer to sit with them anyway!
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Expert May 2021
Erin · on March 29, 2021 at 4:01 PM
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I have a similar situation on my future husbands side of the family. i am seating her with her parents, sister and grandmother. she has recently gotten out of rehab and is her grandmother's caregiver at this point, some cousins don't trust her and want to be kept at a different table, so she will be with her family.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on March 29, 2021 at 4:29 PM
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I really appreciate this perspective. I felt like seating her with her parents might make her seem excluded, but I think she is aware that she hurt her cousins and that she will be best seated with her parents and siblings.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 29, 2021 at 4:48 PM
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Maybe it’s best to just sit her away from those people and put her with those few friends like you said.. It’s obvious that she knows the extent of the relationships with her family, and I think she would actually appreciate you not sitting her with people that don’t want to be near her.
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on March 29, 2021 at 6:28 PM
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I would ask her where she would feel the most comfortable and then if she says the cousins she hurt most, ask them their feelings on it.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on March 30, 2021 at 10:15 AM
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Ask her where she would like to be seated. I'm sure she isn't dumb. She went to rehab to get better, so surely she is aware the destruction addiction wreaked on her relationships. Even she might be uncomfortable seated around the people she hurt.
I think the best decision here is to be honest. You love her and want her there. You are happy she is coming. But you are also sensitive to her situation, and you want her to be comfortable.
If you want to limit the possibility she requests to be seated with the people who don't want anything to do with her, make selective offerings. Tell her these are the tables where you'd like to consider seating her, which would she feel best at?
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