Hey y’all,
I’m a girl in my 20s seeking some advice...I’m really hurting inside and don’t know what to do; I’m an emotional wreck. Right now, I’m engaged to a wonderful, kindhearted, devoted man. To give a little backstory, we met when we were 17 as freshman in college. We’re now 25, Catholics, never dated other people, virgins, and never lived together. We’ve been dating several years until he popped the question in July. At first I was really happy and got wrapped up in planning, but now all of a sudden I am experiencing horrible, stomach-wrenching anxiety about the wedding and Part of me wants to call it off. He says he is 100 percent sure I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He’s not abusive, an alcoholic, no family problems. For extra safety we are also in marriage counseling and have read the Book “getting the love you want” which talks a lot about married couples and resentments that build.
The problem is this. When we first starting dating, he shared with me that he had an uncomfortable sexual fetish. It’s so gross it tramatized me, and he kept bringing it up because he’d hope I’d like it. He never forced me to ever do it, but he just liked to talk about it. Because I have my own insecurities I just enabled the behavior when I should have just had the courage to tell him no, which now has caused tension between us. Not only that, but we’ve both suffered from depression over the years because of our families have both gone through tough divorces and at one point we were both in and out of school at different times, etc...bottom line, because of all the physical distance and lack of sexual relationship I have realized through therapy that it has led me to feel very isolated, abandoned, and hurt. We talked about it recently and finally he is working with a therapist to cut out the fetish cold turkey. He said it has to stop and I matter more. After all the years of wanting him to say that I should be happy, but for some reason I am not...I don’t know whether I am getting cold feet, or if this is a serious problem to consider calling off the marriage. I realize that love is a choice, to stay by through everything, but right now, I am feeling out love with him because of the past. yet at the same time, I can’t imagine my life without him, love him as a person w/all my heart and want to go through with the marriage. How is it possible I can feel upset and hopeful at the same time??? It’s eating me up inside and I don’t know what to do. :/ He’s never done anything to hurt me intentionally and he’s the most kindest man I know. I told him these feelings honestly and he says he feels so hurt that I have so many doubts and I feel TERRIBLE.
My therapist has suggested living together before getting married to resolve our issues and/or cancel the wedding but as a catholic I am highly against that idea of cohabitation. At the same time, it would give us the space and privacy we needed to resolve our sexual dysfunction. The church also says you are not supposed to have sex before marriage, but my therapist (who is atheist...and divorced ironically) is insisting I do not get married and try to resolve the problem. It’s only making these doubts worse. I still love him just maybe not in the same way, and I am wondering if these feelings are normal. Has this ever happened to anyone and what did you guys do about it? Are these fears all irrational and in my head? Or am I really out of love? Our society pushes to just break it off and not solve the problem on the other hand I am feeling doubt...HELP!
Thank you so much for your time; any response would appreciated xoxoxo