Scared and Feeling Guilty

Hi Beebee, I’m sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time. Situations can weigh heavily on everyone involved, and it sounds like it’s taking its toll on your and your fiancé as well. I think you brought up several good points, and how medical treatment is important. I know trials can be really hard, and sometimes there seems like no end, but we can only see the here and now. Anything can happen tomorrow, next week, 5 months from now. As much as we like to plan our future steps, life can have unexpected twists and turns. I think it’s a wonderful blessing that you’ve met the man who you truly love, and from what it sounds like, he feels the same for you. Premarital counseling is very beneficial as well. I honestly think that this trial will help you and your future husband to grow closer together. Even though in your eyes there is a clear solution, his brother is in a state where he doesn’t see it that way. Your husband is showing his true character right now. He’s caring for someone he loves deeply, and he’s willing to put his wants and needs on hold right now so that he can serve someone else. I think having the opportunity to witness this is a huge blessing for you. This is the man who wants to devote his life to you, and if/when challenging times arise in your marriage, you already have a glimpse of the man he is and how he responds to situations. In the thick of it, it’s hard to see a way out, but I wouldn’t lose hope. It’ll take patience and perseverance, but it’s also an opportunity for your fiancé to see what kind of woman he will be marrying and how you respond to stressful situations. I understand wanting a family, and God willing, I hope that you can experience that joy. If he’s the man you love and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, hold on to that. Patience can be difficult, but it does reap great rewards. I hope that your future brother in law gets the car that he needs, and I hope that all of you involved feel supported and loved throughout this process as well. Don’t give up hope. 💗🙏🏻

View Quoted Comment Thanks so much Amanda. I think that's what I'm most fearful of, myself. That I'm not equipped for this and that this part of life. I'm scared that the person he'll see is a self-absorbed person who doesn't have patience. I don't have the best track record. I run at the sight of any stress, as a method of self preservation because it takes a huge toll on me. My own family isn't perfect and I live 3000 miles away bc they stress me out in their own ways. I lived alone for years and now find myself wondering, if I'm not cut out for marriage if I unable to take what life throws at me. I love him though and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

The answer to your FBIL’s health crisis isn’t being monitored by the family 24/7. He needs actual professional care- possibly even inpatient care if it’s gotten that bad. How long does the family plan on just taking turns watching him before doing more? I think it’s okay that your FH wants to prioritize his brother’s health, but that can’t be a never-ending responsibility he puts on you.


The other thing I want to touch on is for you to really think about whether marriage is for you. You mention you usually walk away from stressors, but marriage (and raising children since you mention wanting a family with him) are FULL of stressors that you’ll need to work through as a team.

Wholeheartedly agree and thank you for your response! That's exactly what I've been thinking. We can't watch him 24/7. I'm comfortable managing the things I have control of - my career, my family, who I date etc. I lived alone for nearly 15 years and managed many things through placing what I see as appropriate boundaries- sometimes that boundary is distance, as it is with my family. I don't like feeling helpless right now. I recommend professional help daily and DH's family has their own way of wanting to handle this, yet the situation is also affecting my life. Really conflicting feelings.


I think your comment gave me a reality check though. I don't want to go back to living alone. It eventually got to be really lonely even with friends and an active social calendar. I much prefer being with my fiancé. Maybe I just need to realize that this comes with marriage/partnering with someone, I won't be able to control them or their family. Nor will I be able to control my future kids at a certain point. So, I'll need to find some ways to manage the stress accordingly. Thank you!

Hi BeeBee. I think both Amanda and Sarah bring up excellent points and I'm glad you're receptive to them. To start, a little about me and my fiance: I am someone who has lived with severe depression for most of my life. In order to manage this, I have been in therapy for the past 20+ years and under the care of a psychiatrist for just as long. I have been hospitalized numerous times and have a safety plan. My mental health is my responsibility and I know when I need to reach out for more support. My fiance and I have been together for 15 years (we've been engaged for two) and he knows just how hard it can be, which is why he also sees a therapist. I know how hard it is to be in the situation you describe and my heart goes out to your FBIL, your fiance, his family, and of course, you.

Your FBIL does need to be hospitalized. Clearly, your fiance loves his brother deeply and is doing what he thinks is right, or perhaps doing the only thing he thinks he can, but he can not save him. That is too much responsibility for anyone to carry, especially a family member. They are not equipped to keep your FBIL safe, and since he has a firearm, they are not safe, either. I do not want to be an alarmist, but it seems a reality check is in order. If things are as serious as they sound, an ambulance or police can be called and they will safely bring him to the ER.

This is a very stressful and tense time for all involved. Although it may be difficult, there's something else you are tasked with for the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship with your fiance. You must communicate with him. Your feelings are valid, as are his. It's very important that you express them to him. Yes, this is a time when you get to witness how he responds to a crisis, and he, you. It's also a time when he needs to listen to how this is impacting the woman he loves. Without this, you will only feel more and more isolated. This is not something the two of you should be going through separately. You are partners and as such, you need to be able to support each other. If you don't express your feelings in a loving and respectful way and if your fiance can't listen in a loving and respectful way, there's trouble ahead. Couples counseling is a wonderful thing and I'm so glad you're starting soon.

I also strongly encourage you to get into your own therapy in addition to couples counseling. You shared some things that make me suggest this, specifically, "...That I'm not equipped for this and that this part of life. I'm scared that the person he'll see is a self-absorbed person who doesn't have patience. I don't have the best track record. I run at the sight of any stress, as a method of self preservation because it takes a huge toll on me... I lived alone for years and now find myself wondering, if I'm not cut out for marriage if I unable to take what life throws at me..." These are deep-seated issues that a therapist can help you with. It would also help you learn to set appropriate boundaries, express your needs, and practice good self-care. Please know that this is not a judgment. It's about giving yourself the love and respect you deserve, which will only strengthen your relationship with the man you love.

Be well. I hope you, your FH, and his family find peace soon.

View Quoted Comment Thank you SO much, Jennifer. I appreciate you sharing your story. It certainly helps to increase which my empathy, which I could certainly improve upon. I'm a huge fan of therapy and recently started individual therapy again to help guide me through this life transition. I wish it were unlimited talk therapy.


This situation is such a tough balance because preserving anyone's life - in this case FBIL, is WAY more important than life milestones (i.e. marriage). Despite rationally knowing this, feelings don't care about being rational. I don't have the best/ or really any role models for marriage. So, I just kind of take things as I see it. My fiancé and I's last 3 years together have been great. This is really the only time we've had to navigate a crisis - now I'm like, OMG is this life forever? I'm probably catastrophizing but without a plan to address the crisis, it's where my mind goes. I've asked for that and have been told, "we have to take it day by day"...when I'd rather hear, "we're going to rotate homes and watch him for X number of weeks/months and if he doesn't improve we're going to do X,Y,Z to help him". Right now it just feels indefinite and unsustainable. When I ask for a plan, it feels like I'm being brushed off, as if I don't understand the severity of the situation bc the plan at this time is to simply keep him from harming himself. I don't know what to do to advocate for my well-being in this situation.
As a society, we have so much more work to do with caring for people who suffer from mental health crises. We've tried twice in last week to have him admitted and we were unsuccessful bc he won't share the same things he tells us. He shares that he wants to live (which I believe), but he can't sleep/anxiety keeping him up. They give sleeping meds and discharge. Fortunately, he gave the firearm to a family member today for safe keeping, so that's one less thing to worry about...but Oh-em-gee, I had no idea what I signed up for when marrying in to a family.

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Hi again. I’m glad you’ve started therapy. Taking care of yourself is so important and this will help you navigate the storms and squalls, as well as help you to recognize and celebrate your successes. Unfortunately, the state of mental health care is not what it needs to be. It would be so much better to have access to unlimited talk therapy, but at least you’re taking steps in the right direction. Well done!

It's a great relief to hear that the firearm is in a safe place. It's an excellent sign that your FBIL willingly gave a relative the firearm; this goes a long way in terms of his state of mind. Anxiety and a lack of sleep are awful to experience, and both will alter one's mental state. He needs tools to help him manage his anxiety and I wish the hospital recognized this. Again, it's not something a layperson has sufficient training in to help someone in need, and certainly not something your fiancé and family can address without help. As someone who has an anxiety disorder (yeah, I live with multiple diagnoses, as most people with mental health challenges do), I know firsthand how debilitating intense anxiety can be. It's also something that took years of very hard work to manage and learn the tools needed to get through the attacks without feeling certain that it would never end. Other than this, I’m not in a position to comment further on what’s happening with your FBIL and why he wasn’t admitted for the typical 48-hour observation. Ultimately, he’s the only one who can ask for the help he needs. He’s also the only one who can keep himself safe, especially if he’s not willing to be admitted to the hospital voluntarily. His life is his responsibility.

You're right about feelings not always being rational. We feel what we feel. There's no right or wrong about it. How we respond to these feelings is something that we can control. It's good that you aren't suppressing what you think might not be " appropriate" or "right" feelings. That would only lead to trouble. I think it's crucial that you don't diminish the importance of this life milestone, a marriage, the sharing of vows between you and the man who loves you. Is the crisis you and your FH are currently going through more important? I imagine it seems like it is, but please don’t compare the two. Also, I would ask you to try and reframe this to something other than “preserving your FBIL’s life” because that’s an impossible task and if it’s how the family is approaching this then the stress is going to become overwhelming. Again, there’s way too much there for me to unpack or address. Plus, it would be presumptuous of me to think I had the answer. I don’t. I only know that what you’ve described is unsustainable. What I can do is give you some suggestions and possibly a tiny bit of support as you find your way through this. I don’t think it’s helpful to dismiss your fear of “OMG is this life forever?”. I do not think this is life forever, but that’s not the point. The point is that this is what you’re feeling; it’s what you’re afraid of and you have identified what would help ease your fear. You know what you need to help you move forward. By the way, what you’re asking to be clarified would also help the entire family. Not having a realistic, pragmatic plan during a crisis is no way to handle a crisis. “We have to take it day by day” is not a plan and to simply “keep him from harming himself” is not realistic, nor prudent. It’s not fair to anyone involved. Yes, I know life isn’t always fair, but this is not reasonable.

Let me get back to what I think you can do. You see, I think you do know what to do to advocate for your well-being in the face of this: you tell him what you told us. You’ve said it perfectly in your response to me and it’s ok to say this to your fiancé. I suspect he’s feeling really overwhelmed and doesn’t have an answer for you. How can he? He’s too close to have perspective and I imagine he’s too scared to step back. This is where you can help. Expressing your empathy for what he and his brother are going through can show him that you do understand the severity of the situation. Let him know that you are there to do what you can to support him through this. It helps someone who is under as much stress as he is to know that you’re not going to ask him to have an answer that he doesn’t have. This is where you will need to be very clear. It’s ok to tell him just what you wrote. Something like, “I understand you feel like all you can do is take it day by day, but right now it just feels indefinite and unsustainable and that’s causing me a lot of anxiety. When I’m anxious I can’t fully be there for you, and we end up isolating ourselves. When I bring this up it feels like you’re brushing me off and I don’t like it. This may not be what you’re doing, but it’s what it feels like. It would be helpful if we could figure out a realistic plan that will actually help your brother such as ‘we're going to rotate homes and watch him for X number of weeks and if he doesn't improve we're going to do X,Y,Z to help him.’ This is uncharted territory for us. It’s important that we don’t lose sight of each other and get through it together.” If you choose to do this, make sure to ask your fiancé if he’s able to listen before starting. He needs to be in a place where he’s not feeling defensive and can be open (as open as he can, under the circumstances) to you.

You’ve been fortunate that this is the first major crisis you’ve been through together. Every couple must be able to get through serious challenges together and this is a great opportunity for the two of you to strengthen your relationship. It is a test though. Hopefully, the two of you will come out closer and stronger. Time will tell. All you can do is clearly express your needs and respond as lovingly as you can to his. You can not control the situation and trying to will only make you reactive (rather than responsive), fearful, and strident, none of which is good for your self-care!

This brought tears to my eyes. I am in a somewhat similar situation right now. My FH's adult son recently moved in with us as he has some mental problems that have prohibited him from living alone so far. Since he's moved in, he has gotten physical with my younger son ( a child), does drugs constantly, makes a total mess everywhere, and is super loud and disruptive to my young children. He obviously can't stay with us anymore, but my FH is hurting because he has no where else to go. Rock and a hard place I'm pulled between being a good wife and a good mother to my children living in the situation.

I would not let this man stay with you anymore. Your FH is being a crutch for him, and he's only going to get help when he has no other option. God forgive me if I am wrong, but I don't think he will take his life, or he would have by now. Kinda seems like an attention-seeking behavior by just threatening to. Stop enabling him, and make him get help. You deserve to have a healthy, safe home. Especially because I would never consider bringing a child into your home with this going on. Good luck OP, my heart goes out to you

View Quoted Comment Thank you SO much again, Jennifer. Your words have provided solace during this difficult time. Much appreciated.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Samantha. I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing a challenging time as well. He's no longer staying the night, but we have him over for dinner - which is okay. Just hoping things get better soon.

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I'm glad I could provide some support. I'll be thinking of you. Please continue to set clear boundaries and be gentle with yourself.

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