Saying NO to a bridal party proposal.... for my brother's wedding.

Politely decline

Agree with PP, especially Cathy's response.

I can't imagine telling my brother no... I'm sorry finances have put you in this situation! Maybe you could explain it better to your brother and maybe he could help you out skme

This is exactly why I always discourage the bridal party proposal! (Also because it's a waste of money.) I'm a big supporter or the "just ask" method.

Sorry about your awkward situation. :-(

Cathy said it perfectly! I would have so much respect if one of my BM came to me and said no.

Frustrating huh! You don't want to come off as the "bad guy". Would your family be upset if you said no? Is your brother in your wedding? None of that means you need to say yes, just could be potential drama. I like Cathy's wording. Is it possible to save up the money? I know what you mean tho-- I was in a friend's wedding 2 months before mine but I knew a year out I would be. It was still hard saving the extra $500-800 for her wedding when I could have easily spent it on mine haha

I would have to find the money. If my little brother got engaged tomorrow to some random woman I've never met (only bc he has no gf lol) and said I'm getting married a month before you I would find a way to be there and pay for it. And she didn't have to ask you to be her BM clearly it's important to her to have you be apart of the same family. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty but I could never ever say no to my little brother.

I agree that you should politely decline if money really is the reason. Based on your post, I get the feeling that it bothers you that your LITTLE brother is getting married before you. Part of me is wondering if you don't want to make the money work to make him reconsider his date. I hope that you've thought long and hard about this and aren't just reacting to your jealously about him stealing your thunder.

Separate point...I was asked by my brother's fiance to be a bridesmaid and it was awful. It might have permanently damaged our relationship because she turned into a bridezilla.

Cathy, I love the way those words sound so not harsh! I think that mostly, I feel like Sara and couldn't imagine saying no to my brother. He is in our wedding (and was asked before his engagement). I mentioned to my mom before they set the date that it was likely I would have to miss the rehearsal dinner (I was assuming, of course, that the wedding would be a Saturday) due to the fact that I work on contract basis and am counting on working through the wedding to pay for it... So now that the wedding is on a Friday, makes it a LOT harder...

My 2 MOHs mentioned that I could let her know that I can't find it in my budget to be the BM that I want to be for her but if all she wants me to do is put on a dress and stand up there then I may be able to swing the $300 dress. But that's it. Can't fly up for and showers, or participate in a bachelorette party. FH and I are fully paying for our wedding and FSIL has her family footing the bill so I'm wondering if she will understand... I also don't want to not pull my weight as a bridesmaid

I feel like a brat, but I really just wish that they were having longer than an 8 month engagement so that I could participate in the way I want to and that they deserve. And also, so that my little brother wasn't getting engaged and married within my 15 month engagement.. ugh. (excuse my bratty rant - I already know its selfish and dumb)

ETA: @frugal_gator, you're right, it does bother me that he is doing this. I am working hard to get past that. but the bridal party decision is 100% based on finances because I know that I would never say a word to him and make him feel guilty about HIS big day.

OP, I get it, I really do. I've had 3 close friends (two who are my bridesmaids) get engaged and married during our 12-month engagement. I think you'll regret saying no if it's just to spite them. Also, the official duties of a bridesmaid only include buying the dress and standing up next to the bride at the ceremony, so if you can swing that, money isn't a real reason.

I really don't want to say no to my brother, but here is really the financial breakdown for me, which might be TMI ... his wedding is the Friday after labor day. (I'm a home health physical therapist, paid per visit) I cannot work Monday... no one will see me on a Federal Holiday. I have to find a way to replace those 7 patients throughout the week. Easy if I have Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri. If I participate fully in this wedding, I will only have realistically Tues and Wed. Maybe half of Thurs. Which also means I have to find another place that week for the 10 patients I'd miss out on from 1/2 thurs and fri. 17 make up sessions. If I don't manage to do those makeups (all have to be done within the month of sept. d/t insurance payments) I lose out on $1,200. Not to mention the money I have to put out for the dress, and the shoes she is requiring (info sent in the box...). Plus the flights. JUST putting the dress and shoes on for the ceremony is going to potentially cost me $2,000 and a ton of stress.

So yeah, I don't want to say no out of spite and that is not the reason I would say no. But with our wedding budget planned out to the last penny, it'll be hard to find that extra 1-2 grand to be a half-assed bridesmaid. Where I'm from, Bridesmaids help to throw the shower and also help to plan the bachelorette. Neither of which I can even attend let alone foot part of the bill for whether I'm in the party or not.

This, right here, is why people need to just ask their friends to be in their bridal party...not give gifts to go with it.

OP: I feel your pain. 3 months after we get engaged, FH's sister did too. They set their date for 2 months before ours. I am a BM in her wedding and FH is a GM. Big weekend bachelorette that was going to cost us over 500$ not counting food/activities....we can't go because we have been budgeting down to the penny like you. They also wanted a $300 BM dress and I was forced to be the odd one out that said I couldn't afford it. It sucks not being able to participate, but I can't take the time off work and shell out that money.

Being a bridesmaid is certainly expensive. Kelsey, please don't feel the need to defend your decision. It's perfectly acceptable for you to decline.

Thanks guys I feel like I'm more defending it to myself. I feel like crap saying no. But I really think that I have to. And that I'm literally going to read the words straight off Cathy's post while on the phone!

It sounds like you're more pissed than it being a question of money and really, while I understand why you'd be disappointed that they'd choose a date a month earlier because of out-of-town family having to make two trips, I think you're out of line to be pissed. If you're budgeting down to your last penny for your own wedding and can't afford $150 to stand up at your brother's wedding, you might consider scaling down your wedding slightly. $150 is really nothing in the context of thousands of dollars for a wedding. Invite one less person and there you go.

You also said he got engagement Christmas 2015 "practically AT my engagement party." I mean, you got engaged in July, so why is it a point of contention for him to get engaged at Christmas?

ETA: I just saw your other post with the financial breakdown. There is NOTHING wrong with just showing up to the wedding in your BM dress. You do not have to participate in all the extra stuff. I'm of the opinion that you should NEVER budget down to your last penny for your wedding for this very reason. You have no idea what may pop up in life.

Cathy, thanks! You win WW tonight

The bride is requiring a $300 dress and a specific type of shoe. That doesn't include alterations to that dress nor any last minute things that may come up during your own wedding. I agree to just tell her that you can't swing it with your own wedding so close to their chosen date.

Also, Elizabeth, we also included money going into savings as well, since we are saving for a down payment on a home. So it's not technically down to our "last" penny. Just money that was not supposed to go to inconsiderate siblings

and, my brother proposed at my engagement party the weekend before christmas (I'm out of town from my family so my mom waited to throw one).. He was "nice" enough to wait until most guests that weren't family left.

Kelsey, I just wanted to sympathize with having a sibling announce an engagement after yours with the wedding before-- happened to me, too. And I promise, it won't overwhelm your wedding as much as you think. Your family is only 1/4 of the guests, tops-- it's your friends, your family, your fiancé's family, your fiancé's friends, so not nearly as many people will be invited to both as it feels like at first.

I promise, this will turn out better than you expect.

Stuff like this makes me really glad I'm an only child.